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    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

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Struggling with mums dementia

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by pinky80, Feb 10, 2015.

  1. pinky80

    pinky80 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    9
    Hi

    I am new to the site so just wanted to post a thread to express a few problems I am experiencin at the moment.

    My mum (67) has early Alzheimers (although it feels a lot more progressed than that), she was diagnosed over a year ago. Initially I thought caring for her would be fairly straight forward and I would be able to handle it.

    After diagnosis she had a major breakdown and my older brother involved social services in which they then took charge of her medication and came in in the morning and evenings until a care package was put in place. This worked for a while but once the home care calls started, she was what I would call "back to normal" and able to get back to everyday life.

    Mum refused to have the carers in and it was upsetting her (there were a few concerns I personally had with the carers who were coming in) so cancelling them was quite a relief to me too. From that time, I have taken responsibilty for her medication each night after work, along with doing her shopping, managing her finances etc

    Recently tho, I have been feeling extremeluy stressed and have been finding myself angry with all aspects of mums situation. The constant calls on my mobile whilsy I am at work (around 20 a day) then calls straight after I have visitied her, then calls during the night if she is having an episode (I have my phone on silent constantly now). Everything worries her to the point it stresses me out which in turn is having a huge impact on my relationship.

    Does anyone have any advice on the constant calls and the way I should be communicating with my mum so I am not causing her any unnecessary distress.

    Thanks in advance
     
  2. sheelz

    sheelz Registered User

    Sep 1, 2014
    35
    Hi, sorry, I don't have any advice, but can sympathise with you , especially the phone calls. My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia 2 years ago. She lives on her own, I ring her every morning to check she is ok (I live a distance away) and I can have as many phone calls all day, then my sister (who lives nearer to my mum has phone calls too) calls in to see her and mum tells her she hasn't spoke to anyone since yesterday !!! Then mum rings me and tells me she hasn't hasnt seen my sister for days, when I tell her she called in at such a time that day she says 'well, she didn't stay long' . At the end of every day, it's so tiring, I do feel for you, it's good to share.
     
  3. RobinH

    RobinH Registered User

    Apr 9, 2012
    266
    London
    Anxiety and Agitation

    Hi

    I would go with her to her GP, or the memory clinic, and explain the symptoms. They may suggest some medication to help.

    Robin
     
  4. Sweet

    Sweet Registered User

    Jun 16, 2014
    72
    I so recognise all what's been said. I had constant phone calls all times of the day....mum was able to text too but she'd get it wrong so I'd also get endless blank texts.

    She also had family visiting each day but would say she hadn't seen anyone. It wears you down. That was at the beginning stages of her dementia. We got the Dr involved.
     
  5. shark2

    shark2 Registered User

    Aug 22, 2012
    136
    n ireland
    Been there, done that. :cool: no advice , just wanted to say I know what it's like. My mother can't use the phone anymore so it's not an issue now. Thing is- that's equally because you are constantly worrying if you can't get in touch with her. :(
     
  6. Darren 48

    Darren 48 Registered User

    Sep 4, 2014
    11
    Lincoln uk
    Hi my mums 84 in April and I'm 49 she came to live with me my wife and our children 14 months ago she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 3 years ago now but has suffered with memory loss since the late 1990's it's not easy caring for somebody who is fading day by day but all we can do is offer the best care we can mum asks the same questions all day every day but all we can do is answer the questions over and over .she is becoming unsteady on her feet now also struggling to eat certain solids they are starting to get stuck in her throat as she does forget how to chew food .She has started to get out of breath as well just walking from room to room .She has lost the use of her bowels at times it's heartbreaking to watch at times and I have to walk away for five minutes or so and my wife steps in but we promised we would care for mum until we could no longer help her.
     
  7. Liz57

    Liz57 Registered User

    Dec 22, 2013
    184
    I can so relate to this. My mum lives alone and I'm now in there for about 3 - 4 hours a day. I'm alone so have no one to help or to help me for that matter. I've turned off the answerphone and voice mail as it was taking me hours to delete the 50+ messages each day. I left a good job/career for two part time jobs to give me more flexibility to care fo rmum but I'm struggling to find time for the home based one as mum is always needing something or complaining she's had nothing to do all day. She's lost the ability to occupy herself even for a few hours and today was on the phone less than 20 minutes after I'd taken her home from the day centre and saying she'd seen no one all day!
    One comment made to me early on was that I couldn't do this alone and they were so right. My one piece of advice is to involve carers or social services or whatever you need now, before you really need it.
    In recent weeks I've turned down an invitation to my son's birthday dinner (with his potential in-laws) as I didn't feel I could be so far away from mum (it was an evening do so not suitable for her as her sundowning is pretty bad at the moment) and tonight found myself at the supermarket at 10pm as I didn't feel I could leave the house until I was sure she was asleep (and I don't even live with her), so it's another late night for me and I'm fortunate that she seems to sleep all night.
    Don't feel guilty about feeling resentful. I'm sure we all do at times and then grit our teeth and do what we have to do. On the positive side, I've had a couple of conversations with mum about a possible care home and I've found the day centre to be a godsend (albeit an expensive one around here for self funders) which has encouraged her to see the positives of a care home.
    Good luck.
     
  8. lastingmemories

    lastingmemories Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    2
    Ipswich Suffolk
    Think about mum or dad!

    I gave up work about 6 yrs ago to look after my mum, she has Vascular Dementia. I was already caring for her before that really, because she had 2 strokes the first was 2000. I still went to work got tired etc. then, one day I said right, what if this was me? from then on I appreciated what I was doing and I have coped ever since.
    Mum's swallowing was affected, if that's the case, I suggest getting a blender and blend food up. I also add baby food stage 1 or Aunt Bessies mashed potato, My mum looks better now than she did 15 yrs ago. She is strong, healthy but the Dementia kicks in daily.
    I tend not to lose my temper now, I put myself in her position. She lives with me at home. I have plastered the walls with A4 photos old and new and typed in bold black letters what and who they are of.
    A giant letter on a page making up her name is stuck with blue tac on the wall, she looks at it daily.
    I tend to make every carer visit ( I am a double up carer ) a fun time and its great because when she is on the commode there are always results.
    Come on, carers think about them, yes it does cause us problems but we still have out marbles!
     
  9. aitch-boss

    aitch-boss Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    9
    Brighton, UK
    Hi, I'm pinky80's partner. I've found these forums a godsend over the last year -albeit as a lurker.

    One question, how do you all get a daily care/life balance if at all? The constant phone calls are exhausting, throughout the day and starting literally as she's leaving her mum's flat each evening. Carers could help with giving medication, so providing a night off, but from experience they cause her so much agitation we'd still get the calls.

    We're in the process of getting her into sheltered accommodation with a lounge and social events - I think her main problem is loneliness so she needs constant reassurance (she's also drinking alcohol during the day, another worrying isolation symptom), and the company should do her a lot of good
     
  10. butterfly-angel

    butterfly-angel Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    3
    Malvern

    Hi. I know how you feel.
    I look after my nan full time plus cares going in 4 times a day. She rings my mum constantly asking is all ok. And not seen a sole....
    She is 88 and late stages. Memory really bad.
    She lives at home. She lost her husband 10years ago now. Other family don't bother. Left to me her granddaughter and her daughter...
    I'm really struggling with everything.
    And the care company.
    I hate the illness. I want my nan back. I'm angry all the time. No one to talk to.
    She gets very angry and aggressive. That's not my nan.
     
  11. butterfly-angel

    butterfly-angel Registered User

    Feb 13, 2015
    3
    Malvern
    Hi. I know how you feel.
    I look after my nan full time plus cares going in 4 times a day. She rings my mum constantly asking is all ok. And not seen a sole....
    She is 88 and late stages. Memory really bad.
    She lives at home. She lost her husband 10years ago now. Other family don't bother. Left to me her granddaughter and her daughter...
    I'm really struggling with everything.
    And the care company.
    I hate the illness. I want my nan back. I'm angry all the time. No one to talk to.
    She gets very angry and aggressive. That's not my nan.
     

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