1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

Struggling with mums dementia

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by pinky80, Feb 10, 2015.

  1. pinky80

    pinky80 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    9
    Hi

    I am new to the site so just wanted to post a thread to express a few problems I am experiencin at the moment.

    My mum (67) has early Alzheimers (although it feels a lot more progressed than that), she was diagnosed over a year ago. Initially I thought caring for her would be fairly straight forward and I would be able to handle it.

    After diagnosis she had a major breakdown and my older brother involved social services in which they then took charge of her medication and came in in the morning and evenings until a care package was put in place. This worked for a while but once the home care calls started, she was what I would call "back to normal" and able to get back to everyday life.

    Mum refused to have the carers in and it was upsetting her (there were a few concerns I personally had with the carers who were coming in) so cancelling them was quite a relief to me too. From that time, I have taken responsibilty for her medication each night after work, along with doing her shopping, managing her finances etc

    Recently tho, I have been feeling extremeluy stressed and have been finding myself angry with all aspects of mums situation. The constant calls on my mobile whilsy I am at work (around 20 a day) then calls straight after I have visitied her, then calls during the night if she is having an episode (I have my phone on silent constantly now). Everything worries her to the point it stresses me out which in turn is having a massive impact on my relationship.

    Does anyone have any advice on the constant calls and the way I should be communicating with my mum so I am not causing her any unnecessary distress.

    Thanks in advance
     
  2. MeganCat

    MeganCat Registered User

    Jan 29, 2013
    356
    South Wales
    Hi pinky
    You have a lot on your plate - the constant calls must mean you never relax. I know from experience of caring from a distance how hard those calls are, and the online shopping and finances after a day's work.
    Would your mum agree to try the carers again, you could say it's so you can have a break, if that might persuade her. Unfortunately when people with dementia are early on in the disease they can manipulate their loved ones, if it allays their fears, or makes them feel safe - or she might simply have forgotten that she's already seen you/ spoken to you.
    Would she go to a day centre to give you a little break where you know she's ok?
    There is a thread on here about 'compassionate communication' - try it in the search box - it's about how to speak to someone with dementia.
    Would she consider a change to her home circumstances? Around the time mum got scared at being at home alone (after the wants to be at home alone and wouldn't consider any alternative) she started asking about sheltered accommodation - unfortunately by that time she would have needed very sheltered and these things all take time - she ended up in psych assessment.
    Do try to do something for you, you can't be strong for your mum if you make yourself Ill
     
  3. pinky80

    pinky80 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    9
    Hi

    Thanks for the reply, as i type this I have already had around 20 plus phone calls today, she is fixated on the dental appointment she has tomorrow. If its not the dentist is worrying about money, whether I am going round today. She continually forgets I can not answer my phone at work and yet if I turn it off, she will panic ALOT and call my other half (who also cannot answer much whilst at work) or knock neighbours doors in a blind panic. Hence why I tend to try and call after every phone call. She is also calling 123 ALOT, and I mean alot. This is costing alot of money.

    Ive mentioned carer coming in again and she refuses. She fixates on me and my partner being the only ones who can "help" her. I have 2 older siblings who offer no help so its been left to me to care for mum. Although my older sibling "wades" in when he wants and tells me he knows best when he has only seen her twice in 1 year and she lives 5 min car ride away.

    She went to a cafe meeting once and enjoyed it, but she has lost the abilty to go out to these events on her own now without being chaperoned.

    I do fear I may have to give up work to care for her, but this just isnt an option as I top up my mums rent each month and have little savings.

    I will look into the section you mentioned and swat up on talking more compassionatly to her.

    Its just hard to clam her down 24/7 when i am trying to work and relax, and it feels recently that I am able to relax at all.
     
  4. mumbasi

    mumbasi Registered User

    Sep 1, 2013
    106
    Sorry, but I just wondered why you are topping up your Mums rent each month?

    Have you been informed about the benefits she might be entitled to which might help with this?

    If so then ignore me, but if not please contact your local alzheimers office, CAB or age UK.
     
  5. pinky80

    pinky80 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    9
    Hey

    She gets the high LHA rate but that doesnt cover her rent fully so I have to top it up to pay the landlord monthly.
     

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