Struggling with losing mum

[AT81]

Mum passed away towards the start of June 2023, she had suffered with dementia at various stages for 6 or 7 years but for the last few years she was pretty much bed bound and non-communicative. Whilst I obviously found it difficult I felt that i had coped as well as could be expected. I went back to work (I am a secondary school teacher) a bit too early and struggled, so took some more time off before returning and then having a few more days off around the funeral. But seemed to then cope ok.

Seemingly out of nowhere this weekend I started to become low and very emotional again and seem to be struggling again. Thankfully work have been very supportive and I am taking a few days off to try and get myself back on an even keel. Is this pattern of a wave a grief normal?

I also feel massively guilty for a number of different reasons;
1) my brother is unemployed and was mum's main carer. As a teacher in another part of the country it was difficult to visit and I feel guilty that i didn't do enough.
2)I feel guilty that when I did visit in the last few years, I didn't spend as much time with as I could or left her sleeping as I didn't want to disturb her
3)When mum became non-communicative i think i started to grieve at this point but now feel guilty about this
4) In the last year my brother and I were asked about do not resuscitate notices and a few days before she passed we were asked if she should be taken to hospital or to be made comfortable at home, I know it was mum's wish that she didn't pass away in hospital and that she had very little quality of life but I still feel guilty about these decisions.
5)I feel guilty that on the day that she passed I didn't get to see her one last time, I had seen her about a week before, but she passed away about 25 minutes before I got there, could I have left the house sooner, driven faster, made it without stopping etc?

I am aware that guilt is often closely link to grief but has anyone found any strategies that help or places to find support

Thanks

 

[SkyeD]

My heart goes out to you @AT81 . Hopefully it WILL get better as time goes by.
I can share many of your feelings - my mum also died in June 23 and my dad died 9 months before her. I too have had some very sad feelings this week which seem to have come from nowhere.

I don't have any strategies to pass on (yet) but I have found this forum to be invaluable for support.

Hugs x

 

[AT81]

Thanks SkyeD. I have found recently that on TV, news or social media lots of news about celebrities passing away, adverts about funerals, twice in the last day I have heard a song that we played at her funeral. It feels like I have been bombarded with it

Take care

 

[Alberta23]

Hi AT 81. So sorry to hear about your Mum. Everything you say about your grief is ALL grief. Normal and not to be worried about. But the waves of emotion can be very powerful. Some people get them on and off for a long time. Emotions are real and raw. Its knowing how to look after yourself when they happen. I find its important not to panic about the waves and accept them as they are. They go away bit by bit and get less intense over time. Never fight them. Learn to accept, relax, take time out to remember good memories.

I still chat to my mum. She died in October. I go to her grave. Plant flowers she liked. Although I think I missed the right time to plant daffs, so they may not work well. But Mum will laugh at my forgetfulness.

We all have regrets. Its understandable. We always had other things we wanted to do. I see people with their parents and wish that was me with my mum. I see chocolates and wish I hadnt forgotten to give Mum the ones I had bought for her. She died before I could give them to her.

But then i tell myself, shes now always in my heart. No matter where I go. So in a funny way, i get huge comfort in knowing she is somewhere nearby.

I look through her belongings and shes written all sorts of things. So its like she is guiding me through my grief. Photos are great to look back and remember.

You were only 25mins after she died. I put that as being with her when she died. I cuddled mum for over an hour after she died. We have no idea how long the mind keeps working after the body begins to rest. I am sure she would have known you were there. Take comfort you WERE there. You did get to see her and hold her hand. Talk to her. She will have heard you. Believe that.
She will never leave your heart.

 

[Solar 1]

HI AT81
So sorry to hear about what you are going through.
My dad died in March of this year. after a long and difficult period of illness and dementia., made even more traumatic by my mother's advanced Alzheimers. The first few months were very rough but I gradually felt that I might be returning to some kind of even keel. However, the last few weeks have again been terrible. Dreaming about him, trying to get somewhere on time to see him and not succeeding and feeling very weepy during the day for no reason. I do think this is the path that grief takes but I also think it might be something to do with approaching Christmas ....the time when everyone makes plans to see each other and catch up and they are no longer there to do that with. Hopefully, we can get through Christmas without too many expectations of ourselves. Alberta's advice is very good I think .....I am learning to "lean in " to the grief rather than try and push it away .......
Wishing you all the best
PS we ALL have the guilt.......