Two Years Since - Guilt Ridden

[Pusskins]

It's now just over 2 years since I lost my husband. He had dementia but died from a heart attack. At the time of his death he had been in care for 12 months. I had gone through a range of emotions, including anger and depression. The anger was because I discovered he'd cheated on me during the last decade of our marriage. By the time he passed away, I had recovered and my grieving was actually over.
After his death though, I felt so broken, like half of me was missing. I couldn't bear the the thought of being alone. I soon met a lovely man who was head over heels in love with me. I liked him a lot and love him and we married about 10 weeks after my husband passed away. So many things in my life have changed and I have put away thoughts of loss and grief for my former husband. Now, however, I have moments when he comes to mind and I feel so guilty about so much ... how I could have been a better wife, how impatient I was with him at times when he had dementia. I wish I could go back and 'fix' everything to make a happier ending. I know I can't. Why are we always wiser after the event?

 

[Lawson58]

It's now just over 2 years since I lost my husband. He had dementia but died from a heart attack. At the time of his death he had been in care for 12 months. I had gone through a range of emotions, including anger and depression. The anger was because I discovered he'd cheated on me during the last decade of our marriage. By the time he passed away, I had recovered and my grieving was actually over.
After his death though, I felt so broken, like half of me was missing. I couldn't bear the the thought of being alone. I soon met a lovely man who was head over heels in love with me. I liked him a lot and love him and we married about 10 weeks after my husband passed away. So many things in my life have changed and I have put away thoughts of loss and grief for my former husband. Now, however, I have moments when he comes to mind and I feel so guilty about so much ... how I could have been a better wife, how impatient I was with him at times when he had dementia. I wish I could go back and 'fix' everything to make a happier ending. I know I can't. Why are we always wiser after the event?

Because we are merely human, with all the flaws that afflict us during moments of crisis, and with all the beautiful things we as human are capable of.

I am so glad that you have found love again but it seems you feel guilty because you are happy.

You can’t change what has passed, but neither are you responsible for what happened to your husband. I would like to think that he would have wished you nothing but happiness. You have been a carer and that makes you deserving of some good times in your life.

 

[Kevinl]

Only end of October last since my wife passed away, but I've come to realise living alone isn't suiting me.
If Mrs Right came along...yes and if things were the other way round I'd want her to do the same thing.
You're here for a good time, not for a long time.
Carpe Diem as they say.
K

 

[PalSal]

I rarely come to this site any longer. My Nick passed away July 19 2021. After a long haul with Early On Set from 49 years (2003) of age. With the Covid lockdown and no help at home, I placed him in care on Sept 11 2020 World Alzheimer's Day. He had a fast decline without being in our home surroundings and with me. He had a terrible fall in June 2021 and then he passed away in July.
I have such guilt and I know that my patience was often tried. I seem to focus on those times and not the loving times.
I feel I keep myself very busy, but mostly feel I am using up my life. Not really living and enjoying. I will now be 70 in March. I did my duty to him and my children. Now I am free of responsibility, but I no longer have much zest for life. I still do many activities which have always given me pleasure, but no one to share the morning coffee. It is a lonely life. I fill my life but I never feel thrilled about my life. I have always practiced gratitude and prayer, but at the moment I am feeling the best of my life is long over.

 

[kindred]

I rarely come to this site any longer. My Nick passed away July 19 2021. After a long haul with Early On Set from 49 years (2003) of age. With the Covid lockdown and no help at home, I placed him in care on Sept 11 2020 World Alzheimer's Day. He had a fast decline without being in our home surroundings and with me. He had a terrible fall in June 2021 and then he passed away in July.
I have such guilt and I know that my patience was often tried. I seem to focus on those times and not the loving times.
I feel I keep myself very busy, but mostly feel I am using up my life. Not really living and enjoying. I will now be 70 in March. I did my duty to him and my children. Now I am free of responsibility, but I no longer have much zest for life. I still do many activities which have always given me pleasure, but no one to share the morning coffee. It is a lonely life. I fill my life but I never feel thrilled about my life. I have always practiced gratitude and prayer, but at the moment I am feeling the best of my life is long over.

Palsal, I wanted to reach out and say how much I understand. My beloved husband died in 2019 and since then I feel like I am trying to fill life usefully until I join him.
It helps to talk to people who understand.
With you in spirit and love.

 

[canary]

I suspect that a lot of these things are due to grief
My mum died nearly 7 years ago but I get intrusive thoughts that I wasnt a good enough daughter. I couldnt grieve for her properly though because 4 days before her funeral OH had a stroke and everything changed. I was plunged straight into caring full time for him and suppressed my grief. I felt numb for months and wasnt able to express my grief. I still have never cried for her. But grief has to come out - if its swept under the carpet, or denied (because we are supposed to have "moved on") then it lies there unexpressed and festering. Perhaps it is no surprise that I have been plagued by depression. Caring changes you.