Hi, my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s a couple of years ago and in October 2022 we made a decision as a family that she needed permanent care. She was struggling to look after herself and even with daily support and plenty of visits she was becoming very confused in her flat, often sitting for hours staring at the mirror in her bedroom or frantically calling family saying she had been abandoned. Mum is now 93, she lives in a lovely care home 5 minutes walk from me, I pop in 3 times a week and my other local sister sees her several times a week. My other siblings are further away and some are better than others at visiting, problem is mum is terribly depressed. She says she hates it there, won’t join in with anything, sometimes is aggressive towards the staff too. She can’t remember anything short term so she never remembers all the visits and has recently started telling me she is there because her father can’t handle her any more. It makes me feel so sad when I see her, I try to make the best of it and chat continually and I know she is happier when I am there but I work as a teacher and. Only go in on the weekends and 20 minutes after I leave she has forgotten the visit. Sometimes I feed visiting because she can be so down and negative and she keeps saying ‘just hope you don’t end up like this, I am never getting out of here’ and sometimes she can be so mean, I knows it’s the Alzheimer’s not her but it is so hard sometimes and I worry about her all the time.
Struggling with guilt
- Thread starter Mitchkin75?
- Start date
Welcome to Dementia Support Forum @Mitchkin75?
Have you spoken to the care home about how your mum is when you aren't there? You may find she is actually fine. Sometimes people in care homes save up all their misery for when relatives are visiting. If you can be bright and jolly when you visit and spend the time telling your mum how lucky she is to be living somewhere nice. It might not work, but is worth a try. It might also be an idea to visit during the week in the holidays and try and get involved with an activity with her to see if that helps.
This is a very friendly and supportive place and I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions.
Have you spoken to the care home about how your mum is when you aren't there? You may find she is actually fine. Sometimes people in care homes save up all their misery for when relatives are visiting. If you can be bright and jolly when you visit and spend the time telling your mum how lucky she is to be living somewhere nice. It might not work, but is worth a try. It might also be an idea to visit during the week in the holidays and try and get involved with an activity with her to see if that helps.
This is a very friendly and supportive place and I'm sure others will be along shortly with their suggestions.
Hello @Mitchkin75? I am so sorry to hear your feelings around guilt. You and your siblings know you have done the right thing in finding a suitable care home for your mum where she is safe and looked after. Life in her flat sounded confusing and upsetting for her. You write that the decision was made to move her in October 2022 so I am assuming she has been in the care home for a while. Have you talked to the care home staff about how she is , away from visitors? You may find they paint a different picture. Oh, I have just seen @Sarasa has said the same ! It’s very hard, and I do feel for you.
Hi @Mitchkin75?
Im so sorry your mum is so unhappy. Depression is a common bedfellow of dementia and if your mum is feeling the same way at other times, not just when you are visiting, it may be that she she is depressed. Speak to the care home GP about whether an antidepressant might lift her mood
Im so sorry your mum is so unhappy. Depression is a common bedfellow of dementia and if your mum is feeling the same way at other times, not just when you are visiting, it may be that she she is depressed. Speak to the care home GP about whether an antidepressant might lift her mood
