Struggling to find a care home

[canary]

Thanks for all the advice so far - I have another question I'm afraid! Our relatives have found a very nice place, with a room free and everything we were looking for. But they need a lot of paperwork from the Drs and the application form we've looked at says there is a 4-week period where they can change their minds about accepting her... As she doesn't actually think she needs any help and is absolutely going to fight us about going there - is this something that would cause them to not want her there? Do many people settle down within 4 weeks and is that why it's there?

All care homes want to make sure that they can meet a residents needs and they all have the prerogative to ask someone to leave if they cant, so this will be the reason for the 4 week "trial period". Have you asked them how they would deal with this and what sort of things would make them ask your mum to move? It very much depends on the care home whether resistance to care will make them want to move her. My mum was in a care home that didnt bat an eye-lid about something like that and looked after mum right until the very end, but some care homes like to "cherry-pick" their residents and only want people in the early stages of dementia - once they start showing common symptoms like wandering at night, resisting care, going into other peoples rooms or incontinence they dont want to know. So ask them now, before you commit to the "trial period"

 

[FRED24]

hi again @FRED24
personally, I think you need to listen to your daughter especially, and your friends - your daughter will want the best for both her parents and be looking out for your welfare and health as well as her father's - she sounds to be concerned about how much having your husband home will affect you and worried about what will happen to both of you if you hit carer breakdown
what, for instance, will happen should you have him home and he is still asking you to take him home .... it's most likely that won't change
it's important that you think of your own needs and life equally - I can only imagine how it feels to be at home without your husband but even if he is in the house you will still be missing your husband of old
you aren't letting him down, you are making sure he is safe and looked after and he would want to know that you are also taking care of yourself because he no longer can

 

[jojo2018]

Thanks for replying, I'm glad you didn't get the resistance you were expecting and it's also useful to know what 4 weeks might be optimistic.
J x

My MIL never really settled in her home and I would think 4 weeks is probably a bit optimistic. I'm not sure about the contract you're describing perhaps others will be able to give better advice soon . My MIL never thought there was anything wrong with her either but as she went into her home straight from hospital we didn't have the huge resistance we were expecting. We just told her it was a convalescent home to recover fully

 

[jojo2018]

All care homes want to make sure that they can meet a residents needs and they all have the prerogative to ask someone to leave if they cant, so this will be the reason for the 4 week "trial period". Have you asked them how they would deal with this and what sort of things would make them ask your mum to move? It very much depends on the care home whether resistance to care will make them want to move her. My mum was in a care home that didnt bat an eye-lid about something like that and looked after mum right until the very end, but some care homes like to "cherry-pick" their residents and only want people in the early stages of dementia - once they start showing common symptoms like wandering at night, resisting care, going into other peoples rooms or incontinence they dont want to know. So ask them now, before you commit to the "trial period"

Thanks for replying, and it's a good idea to ask them upfront and try to understand what might cause them to not accept her within the trial period. We're so nervous as it seems like a perfect place and she is worse every day it seems - today the first toilet issue occurred that we had to deal with (I'm not sure that's something we can leave for the carers, while we are here at least). I really hope they don't cherry pick! Thanks again, J x

 

[jojo2018]

Thank you for your reply I have found a nice home but after his 4 weeks stay if he still wants to come home what would many people do my daughter, friends say let him stay I would feel better if he didn't know who I was I feel as though I am letting him down

Hello I am so sorry to hear you are going through this, it's such a huge dilemma when someone doesn't want to stay in a care home but it's actually the safest thing for them. It's also very hard for some people to think of their own needs as well as their loved one. I agree with the other reply you had - your daughter loves both of you and it sounds like she has given you good advice. I wish you all the very best in this very tough time x