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Struggling to deal with quick deterioration, going into care home and covid restrictions.

Poppy##07

New member
Feb 23, 2018
4
0
My dad deteriorated quickly after the first lockdown and had to go into a care home after he started getting aggressive with my mum. I've not been able to visit as I live further away and due to level 4 restrictions and working in a job with risks I was scared to go to the care home....then the 2nd lockdown happened. I tried video phoning but he didn't understand and walked away. I'm so upset as I haven't seen him in months now and feel so upset all the time, I'm struggling to get my head around it all because it feels like he has just disappeared from my life. I know things will help slightly after vaccinations, hopefully as I'll can see him but he will still be away from me, in a home. I guess I'm just looking for any advice on how to deal with it all as I'm struggling. My family are great but not close by and partner not great at talking about stuff.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,497
0
West Hertfordshire
Difficult as it is, we have to accept that sometimes what we wish for, isnt the same as we get. I am sure we all wish our parents will toddle to the end hand in hand , but it doesnt often work that way.

For now, your Dad has the care he needs and your Mum some peace. Aggression is one of the flame points for many- and the person being hurt draws a line in the sand and says ''enough''. I am sure it wasnt an easy decision for your mum.

Are you able to support your Mum?
 

Louise7

Volunteer Host
Mar 25, 2016
2,989
0
Hello @Poppy##07 welcome, you'll find lots of friendly support here. Having a loved one in a care home but being unable to see them or have any meaningful contact with them for a long period of time is very hard. I'm in a similar situation with my mum, with video phoning not being a suitable option. If you can, try to focus on the positives - both your dad and mum are safe, and things are starting to look a bit more promising in terms of care home visits although it will take some time for 'normality' to return. I've been sending cards and small gifts to my mum regularly in the hope that she will know that she hasn't been forgotten by the family. Perhaps this is something you could do to help remove the feeling that your dad has 'disappeared from your life'? Keep posting, as there are quite a lot of us here who are facing the same issues in relation to care home visiting restrictions so you are not alone.
 

Poppy##07

New member
Feb 23, 2018
4
0
Difficult as it is, we have to accept that sometimes what we wish for, isnt the same as we get. I am sure we all wish our parents will toddle to the end hand in hand , but it doesnt often work that way.

For now, your Dad has the care he needs and your Mum some peace. Aggression is one of the flame points for many- and the person being hurt draws a line in the sand and says ''enough''. I am sure it wasnt an easy decision for your mum.

Are you able to support your Mum?
We all made the decision together as a family, hardest we've ever made but it was the right one for everyone. My sister lives near mum thankfully so is there all the time. I'm further away so my support is through video calls just now due to lockdown but hopefully will be there with them soon.
 

Poppy##07

New member
Feb 23, 2018
4
0
Hello @Poppy##07 welcome, you'll find lots of friendly support here. Having a loved one in a care home but being unable to see them or have any meaningful contact with them for a long period of time is very hard. I'm in a similar situation with my mum, with video phoning not being a suitable option. If you can, try to focus on the positives - both your dad and mum are safe, and things are starting to look a bit more promising in terms of care home visits although it will take some time for 'normality' to return. I've been sending cards and small gifts to my mum regularly in the hope that she will know that she hasn't been forgotten by the family. Perhaps this is something you could do to help remove the feeling that your dad has 'disappeared from your life'? Keep posting, as there are quite a lot of us here who are facing the same issues in relation to care home visiting restrictions so you are not alone.
Thank you for your reply, its good to hear from someone who understands. I sent a photo card of me and my children so he keeps seeing our faces so will keep doing that and some gifts are a lovely idea, I will definitely do that too. I know, I've got myself into a bit of negative head space just now. I need to try and think about the fact that we will hopefully see him soon, and that I'll see mum! I think being away from my main support group has made this harder.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
14,939
0
South coast
When someone moves into a care home it is often a huge, huge milestone that signals how much we are losing them - even without the complications of covid.
What you are describing - the feeling that they are gone, yet they are still there is called anticipatory grief. It is still grief, though, and it helps to name it as such.