Still my dad won't listen

[JoannePat]

Hi all,

I am so sorry, but this is going to be a bit of rant and a bit of not sure what to do next.

I know I am not allowed to swear on here, but believe me if I could the air would be turning a very dark shade of blue, peoples toes would be curling and I am sure we don't won't that!

Just a quick back story (really quick) my mum has had memory and mood problems for a couple of years and last november had a stroke. This has brought the dementia (and we now think psychosis) right to the front.

My dad is her full time "carer". She doesn't need "care" as such, she is clean, can hoover and mop and she even does a bit of ironing. But she needs constant company. She gets very agitated on her own and can call me 3 times in twenty minutes if my dad pops out. I have been saying to my dad that he needs a bit of Home Help, just someone that comes in so that he can go out. Hes 84, he isn't hitting the local night spots, he just wants some downtime when he isn't constantly thinking about her.

In the last couple of weeks he has begged me to arrange a meeting with the local care company to come out to arrange Home Help.

Me and my husband had a meeting with the care company to update him on the situation (they were the care givers when my mum first came out of hospital after the stroke). We explained everything and he went to see mum and dad.

Firstly, she "played the game" (HOW DO THEY DO THAT), acting all good, not ranting, staying calm, admitting she had a small short term memory loss, saying she doesn't drink (liar). Secondly, dad sat there and said he didn't need any help!!!

WHAT??? How can that happen??? So, no home help is arranged and dad is practically dead on his feet.

I have just been to their house, because dad wanted me to help set up an on line shopping account for the heavy stuff.

She kicked off saying, I like going shopping, I want to see whats there, I have managed up until now. So I was straight with her and said thats fine. You can still go shopping and get bits, but this is for heavy stuff. Let the supermarket take the strain. She gave me a smacked A@@@ look, shook her head, and said "oh well". I had to tell her - MUM, you have one useless arm and dad is 84, why the hell won't you do it on line?

At that point, I had to leave...........I couldn't stay because I knew we would end up having a row about something as ridiculous as getting their shopping delivered.

I don't know what to do next???

He won't get a home help and she won't get the shopping delivered! I can't force them to do either of these, I realise that, but the consequences could be devastating!

If anyone has any ideas, PLEASE HELP, otherwise I will end up in hospital......my anxiety is up the wall.

Jx

 

[Bunpoots]

In the early stages I introduced care to my dad as a friend who needed a little job so he agreed to pay her for mowing the lawn and doing a bit of housework.

If your dad is being resistant you'll have to be sneaky. In the later stages I organised carer's to help dad and installed a keysafe so they could get in. By this stage he needed help with everything. Dad never batted an eyelid. I had LPA so I could arrange payment.

I think the best thing is to speak to the care company and see if they will work with you to get your parents the help they need. If you ask your parents the answer will be no - at least it always was with my dad!

Good luck. I know what you mean about anxiety. At times dad had me tearing my hair out!!

 

[canary]

Im so sorry @JoannePat - it is so frustrating when when something like that happens.

As to your mum"playing the game" - its known on here as being in "hostess mode" and is an extremely irritating phenomenon that everyone who has a lot of contact with someone with dementia recognises. They can sort of pull themself together and appear almost normal, but it takes a lot of effort and they can only do it for short periods of time as it leaves them very tired afterwards. They therefore save it for visitors, professional staff and relatives who they dont see often who then think that everything is hunky dory. It has been suggested that it is a primitive survival instinct to cover up inadequacies so that you dont lose your place in the pack. It sounds as good an explanation as any.

Your dad, however, has no excuse. It really annoys me when carers refuse professional help, but then expect family to fill the gap. I honestly think that as long as you are there sorting things out, they will never accept any help. Perhaps the thing to do is to become less available to do things and keep suggesting that they get in help. Eventually it might take a crisis, which is what happened with mum.

 

[marionq]

Total sympathy. My SIL has no food in her house and will not buy any more than she plans to eat at that moment. I get so frustrated knowing that if she wakened and felt unwell there is nothing more than tea bags in her house. I have tried everything I can think of with her but even regular deliveries wouldn’t work as she refuses to stay in to receive them and I would have to
Pay for them as she would refuse.

A crisis looms!

 

[Bunpoots]

I agree with the others that it may take a crisis for things to change and making yourself less available may be the only answer.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Sounds like what your mum and dad really want is for you to do everything. But that gives you some leverage. It may sound mean but if you start to withdraw your help it may focus them more as to how much they can't do for themselves.

You could even be 'ill' and 'unable to help' so that it's carers or nothing.

Your father probably feels all sorts of guilt that he's not coping but feels asking family is less 'shameful' than openly admitting it and having carers in. A lot of people of that generation feel the same about outside help. Your mother had dementia so no point trying to get her to understand.

Unfortunately, you may have to wait for a crisis to force the issue.

 

[Helly68]

I really relate to the bit when the carers came, and not only your Mum but your Dad convinced them that there was nothing wrong. I think it may be a generational thing, my father will never admit to anyone that either he or my mother have any problems. Drove me up the wall. Eventually, things got to such a point that my Mum went for daytime respite and then permanently to a care home, as they wouldn't have carers visiting.

 

[JoannePat]

Thank you all so, so much for your replies. It is comforting just to know that someone has read my rant, but to know that you take time to answer too, I am very grateful.

After a long chat with my husband and a very close friend, we all agree with all of you: Its going to be an event/crisis for them to realise they need "assistance". Isn't it hard though, as the child (46 ) I hate stepping back.

Thank you all again from the bottom of my heart!

I hope you all have a great weekend!
xxxxxx