Two years ago my wife was diagnosed with mixed dementia, primarily Alzheimers with some Vascular and now I am slowly becoming someone else.
Who I am can change between Grandson and older brother, or younger brother. Attempting to tell my wife that I am actually her husband distresses her, and nor is it possible to deflect or change her mind.
When this happens I have to keep leaving the room, and house, i.e. taking the dog for a walk and then in what is becoming and increasingly forlorn hope that when I walk back into the house the recognition has switched back to normal and I am recognised, however this then means that my wife gets upset with me because I wasn’t at home, and I did not chase away the interlopers.
This recognition can also change suddenly during the day and even worse, in the evening, which then means we cannot go to bed together because understandably she doesn’t want to share her bed with anyone else other than her husband. I then end up sleeping on the sofa to avoid distressing her any further, however then she gets upset with me when recognition switches back because I wasn’t in bed and did not chase away the others.
Attempting to improve the situation we have got some additional locks, and alarms on each door, the idea being that no one else can get into the house and once we have locked up, there is just the two of us. Then every evening I insist we go through the ritual together of locking the doors, checking they are secure, checking every room in the house that they are empty, reassuring my wife that it is just us. It doesn’t make a blind bit of difference and I can change from her husband to someone completely different even as we walk up the stairs together.
So how does one deal with that, my wife will readily admit that the interloper looks remarkably like me, wears my clothes, drives my car, even drinking a cup of tea in exactly the same way, but still she will not recognise me as her husband.
This is not just short term memory being affected, after all we have over forty-three years of being together, her elder brother is 20 years my senior and she has not seen him since the funeral of her Mother some 30 years ago, if he is indeed still alive, the grandson is many years my junior and so very much taller, and yet none of that matters.
Initially for my wife, seeing other people in my place is so very real, frighteningly real and she is was getting more and more upset and agitated, even tearful and frightened as each day passes and it is becoming increasingly difficult to smooth over the inconsistencies for her. On good days we have now talked about this rationally, me explaining that I accept that for her it is real and I am someone else but in reality it is the Alzheimer’s causing the confusion. As a result, my wife, when she remembers the conversations, can accept that there is something wrong and while the problems are definitely increasing, some of the initial agitation felt by my wife have calmed down.
But sadly and in the last few months, this problem is increasing on an almost weekly basis, there is now never a day that goes by with my wife seeing someone else other than me, and now this is not confined to just one episode per day, it can be three or four times in one day, it is becoming impossible to resolve for her.
I can find no specific advice on how to deal this this, how to try and make it better for the both of us, and each day a part of me is ripped away and discarded like meaningless trash. It is no ones fault, there is no one to blame, and you cannot fight it, you can only stand on the edge of the abyss and scream.
I do not know how much support other people have had, but here my experience is that the memory clinic has a policy of diagnosis, discharge, ignore and our local GP’s only effort was “if your wife gets violent, call the police,” otherwise they are simply not interested and provide no support, no assistance and no help whatsoever.
So how does one deal with the problem? any advice on workable strategies gratefully received.
Thank you...
Who I am can change between Grandson and older brother, or younger brother. Attempting to tell my wife that I am actually her husband distresses her, and nor is it possible to deflect or change her mind.
When this happens I have to keep leaving the room, and house, i.e. taking the dog for a walk and then in what is becoming and increasingly forlorn hope that when I walk back into the house the recognition has switched back to normal and I am recognised, however this then means that my wife gets upset with me because I wasn’t at home, and I did not chase away the interlopers.
This recognition can also change suddenly during the day and even worse, in the evening, which then means we cannot go to bed together because understandably she doesn’t want to share her bed with anyone else other than her husband. I then end up sleeping on the sofa to avoid distressing her any further, however then she gets upset with me when recognition switches back because I wasn’t in bed and did not chase away the others.
Attempting to improve the situation we have got some additional locks, and alarms on each door, the idea being that no one else can get into the house and once we have locked up, there is just the two of us. Then every evening I insist we go through the ritual together of locking the doors, checking they are secure, checking every room in the house that they are empty, reassuring my wife that it is just us. It doesn’t make a blind bit of difference and I can change from her husband to someone completely different even as we walk up the stairs together.
So how does one deal with that, my wife will readily admit that the interloper looks remarkably like me, wears my clothes, drives my car, even drinking a cup of tea in exactly the same way, but still she will not recognise me as her husband.
This is not just short term memory being affected, after all we have over forty-three years of being together, her elder brother is 20 years my senior and she has not seen him since the funeral of her Mother some 30 years ago, if he is indeed still alive, the grandson is many years my junior and so very much taller, and yet none of that matters.
Initially for my wife, seeing other people in my place is so very real, frighteningly real and she is was getting more and more upset and agitated, even tearful and frightened as each day passes and it is becoming increasingly difficult to smooth over the inconsistencies for her. On good days we have now talked about this rationally, me explaining that I accept that for her it is real and I am someone else but in reality it is the Alzheimer’s causing the confusion. As a result, my wife, when she remembers the conversations, can accept that there is something wrong and while the problems are definitely increasing, some of the initial agitation felt by my wife have calmed down.
But sadly and in the last few months, this problem is increasing on an almost weekly basis, there is now never a day that goes by with my wife seeing someone else other than me, and now this is not confined to just one episode per day, it can be three or four times in one day, it is becoming impossible to resolve for her.
I can find no specific advice on how to deal this this, how to try and make it better for the both of us, and each day a part of me is ripped away and discarded like meaningless trash. It is no ones fault, there is no one to blame, and you cannot fight it, you can only stand on the edge of the abyss and scream.
I do not know how much support other people have had, but here my experience is that the memory clinic has a policy of diagnosis, discharge, ignore and our local GP’s only effort was “if your wife gets violent, call the police,” otherwise they are simply not interested and provide no support, no assistance and no help whatsoever.
So how does one deal with the problem? any advice on workable strategies gratefully received.
Thank you...
