Spoiling for a fight

[Tot]

Our mother has been diagnosed with vascular dementia and alzheimers she is also registered blind with amd. We have seen the memory clinic doctors and ot and have done everything they suggest to keep Mum at home as long as possible. She has carers 3 times a day. BUT Mum is very cross with us - spoiling for a fight. She says it is us that have got the memory clinic involved, it is us that say there is something wrong, no one else has noticed any problems. (In fact the doctors got involved after she had a fall when wandering) Our visits and phone calls are very unpleasent - my sister and I are biting our tongues and not rising to the bait, but this just seems to be making her worse! We are finding this very hard to handle, we know she is hitting out at those she knows will keep on taking it, those she knows love her. But we'd welcome some ideas on how to cope and has any one dealt with this and how long will this phase last? (We keep telling ourselves it is just a phase!)

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Tot

I know how upsetting it is when you are blamed for trying to get help for your mother. My husband used to tell me I was taking over his life.

All I can suggest is you ease off a little and tell your mother you won`t visit as often if all she can do is fight you. There is absolutely no point in trying to reason with her while she is so angry.

 

[CollegeGirl]

Hello Tot and welcome to TP, I hope you find as much support and comfort here as I do. I think the approach you are already taking (biting your tongue etc) is probably the right one at the moment. There's no point in trying to reason with your mum because she firmly believes that you are to blame. Have you tried apologising, expressing regret at what you 'did', then trying to distract her?

 

[Rageddy Anne]

When my father was saying things that absolutely broke mt heart, I reduced the frequency of my visits and said very little. After awhile he thanked me a couple of times for helping him. That didn't last, but I think something had soaked into his awareness, even if it was only that he actually needed me. As time went by he did become less aggressive than he'd ever been.

So dreadfully sorry for the pain you're going through. How this horrible disease distorts the people we care for. All I can send is a hug...

 

[Tot]

Thank you all for your help. Just the act of writing things down helped me focus on my worries, my sister and I see now that we need to back off and give mum some space and will be doing that, or at least trying to!
One thing that is a blessing is that there are 2 daughters pulling together, however do singletons cope?
Thank you once again.

 

[Noorza]

Thank you all for your help. Just the act of writing things down helped me focus on my worries, my sister and I see now that we need to back off and give mum some space and will be doing that, or at least trying to!
One thing that is a blessing is that there are 2 daughters pulling together, however do singletons cope?
Thank you once again.

I think it is brilliant that you are pulling together, this horrible disease splits so many families up. Well done to you both for caring enough about your mum to put up a united front.