In the Big Club!
To everyone who has ever felt anger towards their loved one - you are all in the 'Big Club'! In other words, you are not alone, and if you only knew how many others have felt the same, you wouldn't beat yourself up so much. Dementia in any form changes the personality of the sufferer, and in my Dad's case, he became delusional, aggressive, argumentative and unreasonable. He stretched our patience to the limit, and when my Mum was looking after him, the toll it took on her own health was incredible. My Dad had been the sweetest, most gentle, loving, calm, rational person, and the illness reversed all those qualities, leaving behind someone we hardly recognised. Every single day brought unlimited new challenges, dealing with difficult behaviour and emotions, and for a while, when things were at the their worst, I actually believed that I hated my Dad - and I had always worshipped him.
Dad has now been in care for almost two years, and all the love I have for him has returned. He doesn't remember me being angry. He still knows his close family, and he knows we love him - and he loves us. For those things, we are immensely lucky.
Today Dad had his first seizure, unexpectedly - the care home phoned us to tell us, and we were there within a few minutes. He had 'fitted' for 5 minutes, but had recovered, and had no recollection of any of it, although he seemed more muddled than usual afterwards. We have no idea how much more he will have to endure, or how long he will be with us, but one thing I am so grateful for is that my love for him is as great as ever, and my anger towards him disappeared long ago.
Never feel guilty about how you feel - it is an awful time for you, and your emotions are raw and easily upset. No matter how much you try to stay calm, due to the illness, sometimes the behaviour of your loved one is very difficult to deal with. You should be concentrating on all the wonderful things you do for your loved one, not beating yourself up about your temper fraying. Ultimately, they won't remember you being angry, so be kinder on yourself. You are coping better than you give yourself credit for. I understand what you are going through, as do so many others on this forum. Take care, and know that you are not alone. God Bless.