Someone is possibly stealing from my mother in law

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by alipom, Oct 29, 2015.

  1. alipom

    alipom Registered User

    Jul 18, 2011
    65
    street somerset
    My mother in law has dementia and she has carers going in three times a day but we are fairly sure someone is stealing money from her, probably l y over £200 over the last few months!
    Yes it is possible she is hiding it but not likely, much of her dementia is at present being unable to speak.
    Any suggestions as we live an hour away from her
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,489
    Female
    London
    I would suggest installing covert CCTV cameras which you can watch from your home. You should hopefully find out what's going on then. You can't accuse any carers without concrete proof as it's well-known that some dementia patients do indeed hide or mislay their belongings or use money to buy things they don't need.
     
  3. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    15,976
    Toronto, Canada
    #3 Canadian Joanne, Oct 29, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2015
    It is very common for persons with dementia to hide money so successfully that it only turns up when the person has passed away. I read quite a few posts here about finding money in the most unlikely places - freezers, in a sock in a bag in a suitcase, in the leaves of books - it goes on and on.

    So while the CCTV may not show money being stolen, it may well show the money being hidden.
     
  4. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    My Mum is always putting stuff away and not being able to find it. This includes her false teeth, she's also done it with money, and my money, books, papers, anything
     
  5. nannylondon

    nannylondon Registered User

    Apr 7, 2014
    2,474
    London
    Hi when my Husband was at home money kept disappearing since he went into care home I have found money all over the place under carpets in the shed in books I think this isn't that unusual hope you solve the mystery x
     
  6. Sindy B

    Sindy B Registered User

    Mar 9, 2014
    13
    My father hid money all the time when at home; in some cases I think he might also simply have thrown it away thinking it was just paper. He was also constantly trying to give money to us, visitors and carers because he thought he needed to pay us for doing things for him. It became a real skill to appear to accept the money, but then ensure it was replaced again without him seeing it. He became very offended and agitated if he thought he owed money or that we weren't accepting the money he owed us. Like other posts, I still expect to find cash under the floorboards when we finally clear his house.
     
  7. Witzend

    Witzend Registered User

    Aug 29, 2007
    4,282
    SW London
    Colleague of mine found over £2000 stashed away in an uncle's flat after he died. Most of it was hidden in piles of newspapers and magazines, either between or actually inside them.
    Just to say, if money is disappearing, best to check absolutely everything before it goes out for the dustbin men - anything that could possibly serve as a 'container'.
    I hope it's not the carers - it's horrible to have to suspect people who are supposed to be helping.
     
  8. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,453
    Ireland
    What you could do is ask the carers to check anything that's going in the bin- papers etc- as money is going missing and you suspect that your MIL is hiding it, and it may be getting inadvertently thrown our. That way, you let them know that you are aware, but you aren't accusing them- you are asking them for help in solving the issue, and alerting them to a problem they may not be aware of. It's also common for someone with dementia to misplace or hide things, and accuse people of stealing them. So if stuff is going missing, the carers would like to know.
     
  9. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    1,111
    Hiding money.

    When you first discovered, money being lost/hidden, how does/did your sufferer react when you first mentioned this to them?

    We are in a position, money missing, MiL won't discuss, just bursts out snivelling.


    Bod
     
  10. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,453
    Ireland
    It's such a sensitive subject, isn't it?! If it was something like magazines going missing, there'd be no problem saying something like "have you any ideas about what's happening with this? It's such a mystery! "

    A couple of times, during the middle stages of his illness, William told me himself that he had given money to the man I used to hire to stay with him when I went to work two mornings a week. So I mentioned it to the guy, putting it that it was fine, but it might be better in future if he just returned it to me, as William usually wouldn't remember giving it away, and frequently thought someone had stolen his money. And, I said, I wouldn't want William to accuse him. I didn't so much mind William giving him money - William was like that - but I didn't like the fact that the guy hadn't mentioned it to me.
     
  11. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    LadyA's suggestion about making carers aware of missing money tactfully is a good idea. My mum has hidden money all over the house over the last few years, and we are still finding it in really wierd places even now. She used to accuse us and neighbours of stealing it.
     
  12. Roses40

    Roses40 Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    473
    manchester
    I also agree with LadyA's advise. I found almost three thousand pounds in various places after my Mams demise. One still needs to be aware of other possibilities x
     
  13. tatty

    tatty Registered User

    Oct 14, 2015
    61
    MIl, who is still in early stages, had squirrled away £800 in between individual pairs of knickers which, when she was in hospital, FIl found put it in the bank and then was forever accused of stealling /spending it! After dear FIL death and MiL moved in with us another £350 swished into the gutter as a chest of drawers was put in the van , really baffled as we had tried hard to keep track of the cash she had in ths house, all this on just a state pension! Now she accuses SILof taking cheque book keeping her money when ever she stays with them, she thinks Day care is £36 aday instead of £6 even with DC manager confirms the very good rate and she is always trying to pay us for things 10 times over so hopefully it's the same for your mum though anyone less than scupulous could easily take advantage_fingers crossed this is not the case!
     
  14. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Alipom, I understand what a worry this must be for you, I do hope you are able to find a solution.

    One of the wardens where Mum lives asked me to 'have a word' with her because she is always trying to give them too much money for things. They rightly point out that it would be so very easy to take advantage of her. However, you will know that simply 'having a word' is not the answer when someone has dementia!

    We keep an eye on Mum's spending generally and she is not losing large amounts so I don't think there is anything else I can do at the moment.
     
  15. Rivershores

    Rivershores Registered User

    Jun 10, 2015
    11
    Hi Alipom

    I echo what everyone has said so far. It does seem to be a very common thing for people with dementia to hide money or have some sort of obsession about money so of course it's possible that your MIL is hiding it. It's horrible to think that carer's could be taking the money but, due to our family's personal experience of unscrupulous people, I have to say that it's best to be cautious and vigilant. Perhaps you can start seriously monitoring the amounts (how does she access her money - does someone get it out the bank for her or does she go herself?) and be aware of any "spikes".

    My mum (who was still going out on her own at the time - something we have now had to stop) seemed to be getting through a fair amount of cash each week (one to two hundred pounds and it wasn't like there was anything for her to spend it on because she was pretty much always with one of the family) and my sisters and I were non-plussed as to what she was doing with this money but we concluded that it was within fairly reasonable bounds so we would let her get on with it. Then, this July, my eldest sister noticed a huge spike (£950 in one week) and that was the start of us discovering she was being stung for money by a young guy who approached her in the street and who subsequently visited her home (even staying over night - horror of horrors) and eventually extracted thousands out of her. After much investigative work by me and my sisters (no, NOT by the police who didn't want to know at first!) the guy has now been arrested and the police are trying to build a case against him but, money aside, it has been very traumatic and we have had to remove my mum from her home for her own safety. What this highlighted for me is just how vulnerable people with dementia can be, no matter how well they appear to be coping.

    I wish you all the very best with this situation. It is a difficult one and will have to be handled with care. I will be thinking of you and your family and sending you all good wishes.
     

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