Social services won't include my mother in fathers care! Believe she is a danger!

[jen4jenuk2000]

Hi,

This is my first ever post..

I have moved back home where my mother and father live in the marital home..married for 28years. Father has been diagnosed with vascular dementia recently but has been having signs for quite a few years. My mother is perfectly healthy and has looked after him since marraige.

My father has many problems that are linked with the dementia I list just afew so you all get the jist..
Lights fires and sets thigns alight,
blows up microwave cooking meals too long,
wont keept clean, wont get out of pjs, wont wash
blows the electrics in the house,
invites strangers in the house from the street,
etc

My father has been accusing mum of having men in the house and running off for years leaving him, that she has stolen from him, that she steals...shoes..food..all his clothes basically anything he thinks of that day. None of that is true...he is also convinced she tried to poison him years ago with laxatives and she was even investigated by police ( this was before we realised he had dementia ) and nothing was found.

Basically my dad doesn't get on with mum any more, he shouts at her aggressivly all the time, intimidates her, bullies her and and she just accepts he can't help it.

Dad was sectioned ( 2 ) 3 months ago after badgering his GP... from the minute he was there he started saying she was trying to kill him and stelaing from him etc. The hospital not once involved my mother or myself in any meetings, we were kept in the dark and said if he wants to tell us whats going on it's his place to not theirs. They have had meetings regarding what is happening to him ie release or a care home without us being present and social services have said he is coming home this coming tuesday. Mum has said he is a danger to himself but they donn't care.

Dad has a son in America where he has been for over 40 years and doesn't ever get involved with dad and visits for 30mins every 5 years and makes a call a week for 2 mins. however the son, my step brother has told SS that mum has stolen from him and she IS a danger and they are siding with him and involving him and not us!

Mum had the house phone placed on incoming calls only as dad was a nuisence...the son in america complained about this and they "upheld" that mum was guilty of psychological abuse because of the phone!!...is this right?!


I'm sorry i've gone on and one but it seems that social services have pushed us aside and done EVERYTHING behind our backs, they think my mother who has done everything to care for my dad is the bad guy. Can they legally do this...she is his NOK and if they don't agree I live with him and have his best interests over his son in America how knows nothing.

Also the son in america got a solicitor to go and see dad in the hospital to get a divorce...dad didn't want a divorce and didn't even know he was coming!...the solicitor wont discuss anything and I believe that he is applying to the court of protection to access his finances! I can't get any legal advice because a solicitor is already involved with my father..so I basically have no idea what is going on with the person I love and live with!

Someone with some advice please help me...this situation is making my mother ill and we don't know where we stand and what to do..

Thanks,

Jenna

 

[Lulabelle]

Your poor Mum Jenna.

I am not able to advise you really but just wanted to say that I have read your story and acknowledge your feelings.

I should have thought, though, that your mother would be able to consult her own solicitor on how to protect her position. As there has never been any proof that she has mistreated him in any way her kinship would be every bit as strong as your step-brother's.

So sad. Oh and don't forget that you are his daughter - primogeniture no longer applies.

Please get advice from a different solicitor. She really must take steps to protect her position especially if your step-brother is going to attempt to go for Guardianship.

Good luck and keep posting.

Lulabelle

 

[Carabosse]

There is nothing to stop you getting a solicitor of your own, if only to watch what the other solicitor is doing. There is no reason you shouldn't be involved as you are the one in constant contact with your parents he is not, he hasn't a clue whats been going on. As i said get a solicitor of your own quickly and apply for POA (welfare/ financial) asap, as long as you can register the papers first you should be fine.
Your dad won't realise what he is saying even though the stuff thats been said is very hurtful and the one its aimed at feels it very deeply, understand the fact he can't help it.
If your step brother has hardly any contact then why is he in control of everything and as for saying your mum has been stealing i would ask him for proof or start an action for defamation against him (you don't have to unless you want to, or just call his bluff).
As for SW i know exactly where you are coming from, currently having my own battle with them (see my other posts).

 

[Lulabelle]

and the cynic in me sees that your step-brother is trying to prevent your mother, your father's wife, from inheriting what he sees as his due and is, therefore, trying his damnedest (spelling?) to split them up.

Or is that me being mean?

 

[Carabosse]

No, you're not being mean, he has a hidden agenda.

 

[Lulabelle]

No, you're not being mean, he has a hidden agenda.

I think so too - sending a solicitor to him in hospital with a view to divorce seems very suspect to me.

Who is the one guilty of abuse here, I ask myself???......

 

[Carabosse]

If your dad signed anything you could agrue the fact he did so under duress, was coersed (sp) into doing so, making the the document invalid. As i said get your own solicitor tomorrow, and get things rolling.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Jenna

Welcome to TP. I am so sorry that your first post is to explain such a difficult situation. Many of the symptoms your dad is showing are clearly linked to dementia.

First thing, as you have a diagnosis of dementia, I would contact Social Services and ask for a carers assessment for your Mum. It isn't fair that she has to put up with abuse, although that is a common aspect of dementia (my husband was diagnosed with Vas Dem). When talking to the social worker, she needs to tell it like it is on a bad day, not to be brave. You also need to let SS know what son in USA is doing, so they get a fair picture.

I wouldn't go down the route of solicitors myself just yet. I don't know whether Dad has been deemed to have the ability to make a sound decision; it sounds unlikely, but that needs to be established.

I am surprised that Under Section 2, they didn't involve the next of kin. I assume your dad has a consultant. If that is the case, I would write to him/her and also explain what is happening and that Mum is next of kin, and that any decisions need to be discussed with her, as, not only NoK, but also his main carer.

I would certainly get as many of the agencies involved as possible to support your Mum. I am not sure where your step brother fits in with this, but it does sound as though he is manipulating a situation; that needs to be addressed.

I hope my ramblings have been of some help. Please keep posting, as there are a lot people out there with a huge range of knowledge who will be able to offer you probably better advice.

Keep positive. Jan x

 

[Lulabelle]

If your dad signed anything you could agrue the fact he did so under duress, was coersed (sp) into doing so, making the the document invalid. As i said get your own solicitor tomorrow, and get things rolling.

That's true Carabosse BUT, if Jenna goes for Power of Attorney which, given that he could be deemed to have lost capacity, the step-brother could object on the same grounds.

Tricky one which I think does absolutely need the advice of a solicitor.

Not really to send any letters or even necessarily take any action but just for Jenna's Mum to know where she stands and how far she can push it with SS and other agencies and to ensure she doesn't do anything which falls foul or the law or which could impact negatively on her current position.

 

[jenniferpa]

To add to what Jan said: there is a special designation for next of kin when it comes to sectioning. It could be a person who wasn't related but was doing the major part of the caring. However, what it can't be is someone who lives overseas. Imagine my surprise when I discovered this was the case for my mother (not that she was sectioned): that her only child would not be considered her nearest relative if it came to the 1983 Mental Health Act.

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Something doesn't add up here, your mum is an alledged abuser yet they are discharging him home? The son is going for CoP yet trying to persuade hime to get a divorce? CoP is for those who lack capacity, I don't think a person who lacks capacity could consent to a divorce.

You could always ask OPG if any application has been made, I had some suspicions when something very odd happened to our family, the OPG were very kind, helpful and fast in replying.

Accusations of theft, abuse etc are not exactly unknown with those who have dementia, that is why we, as a family, watch mum very carefully, in case she is exploited, but at the same time we have been accused of being abusers, all has to be investigated, allegations unfounded and not even an apology.

 

[Delphie]

My first thought is that if there is a Deputyship application then you and your mother MUST be notified and you can, and by the sound of it need to, object. If an application has been made and you haven't been notified then that needs to be flagged up to the Court.

If no application's been made, and if your dad's lost capacity, then you ought to consider either you or your mum applying for a Deputyship. The son in America will, likewise, have to be informed of this but I suspect that it's significant that there's a section on the paperwork that asks you to list who has contact with the person and how often. It would be very unusual for the Court to appoint someone who had limited contact over a hands-on carer who asked for the Deputyship. That said, if there's conflict within the family, the Court is likely to appoint an independent professional. This might not be ideal but still a better outcome than having the son getting control.

I would also be asking all those who ought to be treating your mum as the nearest relative why they're not doing so. And also why a complaint by someone with such limited contact was taken seriously, especially given that dementia and accusations go hand in hand. Obviously serious complaints can't be dismissed without any investigation but if there's no evidence of anything untoward then it's a fair bet that your dad thinking mum's stealing shoes or trying to kill him is part of the illness. A degree of logic needs to be applied. Both murder and shoe theft from spouse are rare crimes, and your dad is alive and, I assume, has clothes and footwear, if you know what I mean.

It sounds like a horrible and distressing situation. I hope you get a good outcome, even if you have to fight for it.

 

[LadyA]

You and your mum need to start keeping a diary of all events. To be honest, I would advise anyone, at the first signs or inklings that a spouse or parent might be developing dementia, start keeping a detailed record of "odd" accusations, occurances, etc. It can be invaluable in helping to show a pattern later. Logic would seem to say that if your dad has had to be sectioned, then he would be in no condition to be making life-changing decisions like divorce. I think the advice you have been given is good - your mum should see a solicitor of her own, to clarify her position, and also she should get as many agencies on board as possible. She is his next of kin and is entitled to be kept abreast of what's going on.

 

[Isabella41]

I work in the NHS and from a legal point of view we take the next of kin to be the person's husband or wife. If they are not married it is then usually a named relative. If however Mr Jones decided that for whatever reason he did not want his wife classed as his next of kin we will take his instructions and recognise whoever he nominates. The caveat however is that Mr Jones must have the legal capacity to make this decision and it must not be done under duress or pressure from someone.

Here in Northern Ireland we have a system whereby a person like your dad can have an independent advocate appointed free of charge. Their role is to speak to the person and ascertain what their own wishes are. My mum was sectioned last summer and had an advocate appointed for her. Mum would and still will agree with whatever anyone suggests to her at a given time. Her interfering relatives were suggesting she do all manner of unsuitable things and as my poor mother no longer has the ability to think things through sensibly and rationally she was getting more and more upset.

Wiht regards to the possible divorce. I think its highly unlikely that any court would grant a divorce to someone with a dementia diagnosis without first getting expert advice that the person fully understood the ramifications of their decision.

Mum had the house phone placed on incoming calls only as dad was a nuisence...the son in america complained about this and they "upheld" that mum was guilty of psychological abuse because of the phone!!...is this right?!

You don't say who the 'they' are that upheld this complaint. I know only too well what its like to recieve endless phone calls -each one more abusive than the last. Mum went through this phase last year. I just didn't answer the phone and I too was accused by own children of being cruel to their granny. It was as if it was ok for me to be subjected to horrible verbal abuse and accusations but the minute I took steps to protect myself I in effect became the abuser.

I think your mother really needs to get sound legal advice and quickly. I would suggest your local Citizen's advice as a first port of call. I really couldn't see a UK court allowing someone in America to be the day to day controller of someone's finances. I think (but can't be sure) that a requirement is that you must live a reasonable distance away.

It was a good thing (if that's the correct term) that your dad was sectioned as this in itself is proof that all is not as it should be. There will be very detailed records from this time. All the behaviours you describe are very common in dementia. I've been through most of them with mum. Mum told my own children so many invented stories that both of them now refuse to speak to me. Its really very sad but mum is so plausible and comes across as so convincing. Strangers who meet her would not guess at what lies beneath. This was probably the case with your own dad - hence the police involvment.

They have had meetings regarding what is happening to him ie release or a care home without us being present and social services have said he is coming home this coming tuesday. Mum has said he is a danger to himself but they donn't care.

I would be asking for an urgent meeting with the multi-disiplinary team looking after your dad. I'd want to know the rationale behind letting him move back in with your mother yet she has not been involved in this decision. It sounds like she doesn't know if he's on medication, needs more appointments etc. If it were me I'd be refusing to pick him up until I had answers. I'm presuming he would be unable to make his own way home.

You can also ask the hospital if your mother is named as next of kin. If she's not and they refuse to tell you who is then point out your dad is a vulnerable adult and if your mother is not next of kin and your dad needs treatment she would be unable to secure this for him in present circumstances.

I agree with the poster who said your mother needs an urgent carer's assessment carried out. They cannot refuse to do this. Its a legal requirement that they must carry one out particularly when expressly asked to.

I think this guy in America is only in it for the money. Wht come on the scene after so long. Again I imagine a court would take his absence and lack of contact into account when determining what role he should play in future.

It really is such a worrying time for you all

Isabella

 

[jen4jenuk2000]

Thanks for replies but it's got worse

Thank you everyone for your advice, this afternoon dad was returned with two members of staff, within 30 seconds he had assaulted my mother and told her to ****** off.... I can't contact police as I am an officer and I know what it would mean for my dad. I've emailed the social services do you think they will take this seriously?!

Jenna

 

[FifiMo]

Jenna

Yes they will take things seriously, they have to. I wouldn't however rely on email. Look up the Duty Social Worker in the phone book and get them to come out.

For advice, you can google Action for Elder Abuse. They have a phone number and offer lots of advice and support and also offer an advocacy service too.

Fiona

 

[LadyA]

Couldn't your mother call the police? Did he leave a mark? If so, wouldn't it be important to get a pic for Social Services?

 

[jan1962]

you have top phone SS this situation is not good. could your mum not ring the police they know how to handle these situation. please remove your mum from the situation and ensure she is safe. please act know help is needed.


jan1962

 

[NeverGiveUp]

Council depts often do not keep e mails sent to them, they get read then deleted, if you need to get a copy of their notes in the future the email may well not be there. Not good if you need to construct a paper trail.

County council will have a dept for reporting abuse, be warned that their notification to relevant dept may well be slow - weeks in the one case I know of.

If he is unstable, call an ambulance, they may well ask police to acompany them.

 

[jenniferpa]

Thank you everyone for your advice, this afternoon dad was returned with two members of staff, within 30 seconds he had assaulted my mother and told her to ****** off.... I can't contact police as I am an officer and I know what it would mean for my dad. I've emailed the social services do you think they will take this seriously?!

Jenna

Jenna, I really think you need to rethink your position about this. While I do understand your concerns do you really think that your colleagues in the police force would make judgements about your father, particularly bearing in mind his past hospitalization, I think you are mistaken.

Your mother desperately needs help and calling the police is the most immediate way of getting that.