Social Services Potentially putting my mum (carer) in danger

Pammy12345

New member
Dec 16, 2020
4
0
Hi Everyone

Would really appreciate some advice of what to do here. My dad has early onset Alzheimer's, was diagnosed at age 58 and is now 63. My mother (66) has been his main carer during this time. Over the last two years, the level of verbal and emotional abuse from my dad towards my mum has increase, to the point where it is constant. He follows her around the house, often shouting and screaming at her. There have been a couple of mildly violent incidences over the last year, but last week he grabbed my mums throat, punched her on the arm and threw her on the bed. Then during that weekend police had to be called because he was violent with both my mother and my sister (who had come to the house to protect my mum after the earlier incident). My mum has become a husk of her former self, and I am seriously concerned about her getting hurt or becoming very ill as a result of all of this. My father is physically strong, much bigger than her, and capable of doing serious harm.

We managed to get him into respite care last week finally (many homes wouldn't take him because of the violence and aggression). We now have decided it's best he remains in a home, as my mum cannot live like this and regular carers coming into the house are unlikely to remove the risk to my mum. We are self-funded at this point.

However, social services are insisting on a DoLS assessment at the house and have suggested that dad could be at home with carers coming in. This is unacceptable to me, as dad's very presence in the house puts my mum in danger. I understand that SS have to look out for the vulnerable adult - but where is the person looking out for my mum's best interest? I feel like SS are basically saying it's fine for my mum to be at risk because she is the wife and oh well.

Has anyone been in this situation before? My mum is being domestically abused by my dad, and even though the early AD is the cause of this, the effect on my mum is still absolutely devastating. I feel like nobody really cares to be honest, even his doctors and SS.

Any advice or insight would be amazing, most of all I just needed to get it off my chest. I am so frustrated. I've already lost one parent early to AD, and now I risk losing another to a violent incident or to stress and illness caused by all of this.

Thanks and big love to all of you caring for someone with AD. x
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,227
0
High Peak
You are right of course. Abuse is abuse whatever the 'reason' and no one should have to put up with it. Your poor mum has the same rights to a decent life as your dad has.

My mum was also self-funding and after a fall/hospital stay I moved her to a care home near me. Because she kept trying to escape, they had to apply for a DoLS and I had several rows with the social worker over whether mum had capacity or not because at that point she could hold a good conversation and be very convincing. it didn't help that she was also undiagnosed. We argued so much about it that the SW wouldn't allow me to be her RPR (relevant person's representative) because I wished her to stay there and mum - apparently - wanted to be elsewhere. I couldn't believe they were suggesting she could manage in 'a nice sheltered flat somewhere'. I won in the end - a temporary DoLS was granted pending diagnosis which happened a few months later. Next time the SW visited, mum talked to her about rice pudding for over an hour (I was there) and wouldn't be distracted.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that this is all about capacity as far as the SW is concerned whereas for you, it's all about your mum's safety and wellbeing. You need to stand firm and stress that your mum must be protected from your father's violence and you are right that it won't help if he has a few care visits at home because your mum will still be alone with him all night. Your mum is within her rights to refuse to have him home/look after him. Social Services have duty of care, not your mum.

Stay strong and keep saying 'no' to him coming home and don't let the social worker bully your mum.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,345
0
Dorset
I don’t have the links but a phone call to the Admiral Nurse, who is there to support carers, may be of help or a chat with the Alzheimer’s phone line people ?
I’m sure a volunteer moderator will come along and provide the links shortly.
i know the Social worker is there for your Dad but their suggestions are ridiculous!
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,623
0
Midlands
What would a DOLS assesment do? They are very rarely applied ( or granted) for someone livving at home.
 

nitram

Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
29,925
0
Bury
DOLS does not apply to living at home, an equivalent can be obtained by application to the COP.

DOLS is being (has been) replaced by LPS (Liberty Protection Safeguards)
https://www.scie.org.uk/mca/lps/latest . which does apply to living at home and I think does not involve the COP.

Don't know how far legislation/implementation has progressed.
 

SAP

Registered User
Feb 18, 2017
1,115
0
@Jessbow i think the point is they are hoping that by doing it at home they can convince themselves that this person has mental capacity and therefore can stay at home. I know that is being cynical but I’ve seen it all before.
@Pammy12345 , your mum is going to have to take a tough line and basically refuse to have him back and refuse to care for him , obviously you can do a lot of the heavy lifting on this for her by standing your ground with ss. If he does come home, I suggest that the police are called every time the situation gets physically violent or you mum feels under threat of physical violence ( they will still come out if the person or other persons are at risk of harm) I really hope you don’t get to this point.
 

Pammy12345

New member
Dec 16, 2020
4
0
Hi All

Thank you for all your responses! It's really reassured me that I'm not crazy in putting my mum's safety first (which is what I had been thinking after talking to SS).

The great news is that SS have relented and said we can have the DoLS assessment at the home where dad is doing respite. Apparently this is fairly common, I just think our social worker is maybe new and was being a bit of a jobsworth with insisting on a home assessment.

@SAP Your first point is exactly correct - I think they have a remit to keep dad at home regardless of it putting my mum in danger.

@Jaded'n'faded - Thank you for your advice and sorry to hear about your mum's situation. Sounds like an absolute nightmare and with SS fighting you as well it must've been a lot, especially without a diagnosis!


We will stay strong with SS and say there will simply be no one here to care for him because my mum would move out if he came back for her own safety.

I spoke yesterday to the National DA Helpline / Women's Aid - they were fantastic and were the first people I spoke to who actually cared about my mum's wellbeing. They put in a safeguarding referral to the adult safeguarding department of the LA here, so combined with the referral from the police and from myself two weeks ago that would be a lot of things for SS to wilfully ignore. So a PR nightmare if they forced my dad to live at home again and something awful happened (I've already told them I would speak to the press in this situation, in one of my more angry moments on the phone yesterday).

We are both feeling much calmer today, in part thanks to the responses on here. It's nice to know we are not the only ones going through this. I'm just angry because my mum was just starting to get her sparkle back and this has set her back a bit due to the SS piling on the extra guilt which she is feeling all the time anyway.

Thank you again xxx