1. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    #1 Kylie, Dec 27, 2015
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2015
    We had mum here out of hospital as hated the thought of her In hospital my sister didn't offer wanted her to go to a care home and my dad, I understand but we wanted her To have a good Christmas with maybe a chance to stay here see if we can cope, she is my mum and I love her so much.

    But feeling guilty We are coping but only just, We are fine with the daily looking after but she follows me everywhere can't even go for a break. She also keeps us up all night we are so tired we get fours hours if lucky a night, she wonders the house all night, wakes me and Hubbie up five times a night looking to have a cigarette. We allow her only if we are around as she would be a fire risk. We have a special needs son she even wakes him up which isn't fair he's such a caring child he gets out of bed and warns us when she's up around.

    We have seven big dogs she knows she's not allowed in their area but has been going in looking for cigarettes. I'm scared they will knock her over.

    I feel guilty as we can't live like this.
  2. optocarol

    optocarol Registered User

    Nov 23, 2011
    Auckland, New Zealand
    Kylie, I agree you can't live like this. Sooner or later (probably sooner) you'll crash and that won't be good for anyone. I know you love mum and if my guess is right, she wouldn't want you to live like this either if she were in her right mind. Please consider that your sister might be being the most realistic.

    Best of wishes for sorting it.
  3. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    I would agree that my sister is probably right but she has never had our mums best interest at heart. My sister and my Father have pretty much washed their hands of her and have left it to me to cope. I have tried so very hard but I am really struggling and my own family is all paying a big price just because we care so much. I couldn't bear the thought of mum in hospital over Xmas. But now feel abandoned my my dad and sister, it's as if they have got rid of the problem and don't care anymore.
  4. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    Thank you so much I feel like a complete failure
  5. hvml

    hvml Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    North Cornwall
    Morning kylie. Please don't be hard on yourself in such a difficult situation. You and your family have done your absolute best by Mum and given her a wonderful Christmas with you. In the long term, you have to think of you and your family's best interests as well as those of your Mum. A care home is equipped to deal with this kind of behaviour night and day with a succession of staff.

    IMO, now would be a good time to research places and find somewhere you are comfortable with for your mum. In this way, you could visit her when you want and continue to be the caring daughter that you so clearly are, in a more sustainable way.

    In my experience, disrupted sleep is the thing most likely to affect you negatively (you and your family) and could lead to a burn out, especially as it is not for essential care, such as toiletting, but for a cigarette.

    You will not be a failure, if this is what you decide to do, you will be taking charge of a terrible situation and making a way to deal with this horrible disease.

    Thinking of you.

    Heidi xx
  6. Lawson58

    Lawson58 Registered User

    You are not a failure, Kylie. All you want to do is help your mum and no one here will ever criticize you for that.

    When a parent develops dementia, it often causes friction in the family as many on TP will tell you. Everyone seems to have a different idea about what should be done and it frequently splits families which is a sad situation that unfortunately can become permanent.

    You don't tell us much about how long your mum has been ill or much about her care prior to coming to you. It seems to me though that if your mother has been behaving like you say for quite a while and your dad has been the primary carer then many of us will recognise and understand how exhausted he might be.

    You have had your mum for a short time and you are already struggling to cope. Imagine how you might feel after three or maybe six months of trying to keep your mum safe. You are also discovering that this illness affects all those around the person who has it - you have already mentioned your husband and child so it is not just your mum that needs to be considered but you and your family, as well as your dad and extended family.

    I think you need to think about where your dad is coming from and that you might need to understand what he has been through. He may well have been struggling for some time and then you try to intervene without knowing what you are taking on. His reaction sounds like that of a man who is at his wits' end, who is exhausted and frustrated and I am not surprised that he had little patience for your insistence on taking her for Christmas.

    It is difficult without knowing all the details but I think the best way to help your mum is to restablish a good connection with your dad and sister. Now you have had a little experience in what it is like to care for your mum, I hope that perhaps you just might be open to listening to what your dad thinks.

    Good luck
  7. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    North West
    You have done a loving thing in trying to help your mum in this way. Getting her out of hospital was a good move. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

    But you were seeing if you could cope in the longer term. Clearly you are right to say that you can't go on living like this, not because of anything within your control but because of the nature of your mum's condition.

    I think you have answered your own questions. It's very sad indeed but you know that the situation can't continue. It's no good for you and your family and, in truth, no good for your mum any longer.
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I think that dementia is somehow destined to make us feel a failure because dementia is just too big and powerful for us. We cannot give them what they want - we cannot take them home, fetch their parents, find imaginary items, allow them to do dangerous things (that they dont understand are dangerous) and stay with them 24/7 (we have to eat, sleep and go to the loo!) - and we have to get them to do things that they dont want to do - get them to wash, change their clothes and sort out personal care.
    Whatever you do it is not enough. It is just too big.

    You have tried your best and I think that if you had not tried you would still be wondering "what if". Now is the time to find an alternative. Get back with your sister and your dad and go and look at care homes. There are good ones out there, who will look after your mum and there will be more than one person on duty during the day and night.
  9. Kylie

    Kylie Registered User

    Dec 7, 2015
    Thank you so much xxxxxxxxxxxx

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