1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. Chesca

    Chesca Guest


    Today has been one of my worst for a while, a culmination of the last week's experience of visiting Me darlin' Mrs P in the nursing home.

    We were worried about her not eating very well, losing weight, but have been in to check at meal times, watched from the sidelines, and the staff are doing their wonderful stuff, letting her eat independently until she gives up and then assisting her before her food goes cold. In between times, of course, we are stuffing her up with treats, think I mentioned the pixie sandwiches Dad makes for her and feeds her, a very genteel afternoon tea, if you don't mind me saying so Jeeves.

    I'm doing my normal denial thing, aren't I? Fact is, the other day in one of her more chatty moods I managed to get some kind of dialogue going, Mrs P told Dad he was cheeky when he teased her 'Mrs, you're looking rather lovely today, but you owe me for your hair do!'

    But when chatting the pseudo chat you chat to maintain some kind of flow, she had looked troubled, more so than usual, and her reply to my asking if she was troubled? 'Daddy has put me away!' I was floored. Seeing my face a little taken aback, Dad, hard of hearing, asked what had been said and I dismissed it as a jumbly chat we have. It's haunted me for days.

    This afternoon, me and the glorious Mrs P shared one or two of Mr Kipling's lemon slices, a recent favourite of hers. We chatted some of our jumbly, went a little walk, sat her comfortably and as I did the on-my-knees thing to smile to her eyes, she said to me as clear as a bell: I'm not happy! That makes two of us, was my thought. I'm absolutely bereft, tissue permanently to hand, a total mess.

    And today I found out on asking where one of our favourite residents had gone, she was a joy even in her illness - a hug to a hello, a 'cheeky thing' reply if you asked her about the song she was singing. She had died - those were her lovely flowers in the foyer! We miss her.

    We have recently been looking at houses for another move, the second in 18 months to accommodate this effing illness, the first being a knee jerk and totally logistically unsuitable for both Mum and Dad, him not being very mobile and us moving closer......but 3 floors up! There's clever! Just wanted to be closer at the time as urgency dictated. Total balls up on the accommodation front!

    Just want the opportunity to bring Mum home sometimes, and for Dad to be able to drop in for a cup of tea, slug of scotch when needed, without having to feel as though I have three homes to look after - one hell of an interruption to any flow of a plan for the day.

    I suppose I should dismiss Mrs Pumblechook's words as the rambling of the demented, but I can't, I know none of us are happy. If she could just come home every now and then for an hour or two, afternoon, overnight I could think of the rest as respite care. Am I kidding myself...............
    don't say, of course you know you are. It's my fancy!


    And the bloody central heating has packed in again, need a hot toddy, that'll help - if only to sleep!
  2. Norman

    Norman Registered User

    Oct 9, 2003
    Birmingham Hades
    I read you sad posting and I think I know how you feel.
    It is said one must have been there to understand,but I don't subscriibe to that one.
    Knowing you I am sure you will get through your sad period,I think it was Mum's words that upset you and I can understand that too.
    Day to day Chesca
    Kind thoughts for you
  3. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Norman, you don't have to be there, because you know. Thank you for understanding. Where would I be without you?

    Tomorrow will be better, I know

  4. barraf

    barraf Registered User

    Mar 27, 2004
    Oh Chesca, my heart bleeds at your mums words.

    You know she is in the best possible place to be looked after, and that with the best will in the world you and your dad couldn't keep her as comfortable at home.

    BUT, her words must have cut you to your heart as she obviously misses her family.

    Luckily your dad missed the remarks, so you have to be thankful for small mercies. Only one of you has been hurt.

    There is nothing anyone can say to alleviate the pain you feel today.

    All you can do is keep battling on in your own inimitable way.

    Hope tomorrow will be better.

    All our love

  5. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Barraf

    Thanks for helping to hold me up, as you do. It's just so sad, I'll never tell Dad, couldn't!

  6. angela.robinson

    angela.robinson Registered User

    Dec 27, 2004
    hi chesca thanks for replying to my post ,when you have had such a **** time yourself ,hope tomorrow is better for us all .
  7. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Ah, but Angela, you are heart and part of what helps to keep me going, so I should be thanking you. We all have our bad days and goods as you know and as you say, tomorrow will be a little better hopefully for all of us.

  8. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Dearest Ches, been thinking a lot about you, it's so darn hard this illness. My Mum said something that still haunts me, about a week before she died, she said as clear as day, "Oh I'm so depressed" I cuddled her, told her I loved her, but I knew what she mean't because this illness does that to us all. Like you, try as I might, I just couldn't make everything right in her world and that's what really hurts the most isn't it. I don't think your daft at all about wanting to move, we moved here for similar reasons. All you can do is your best Ches, on all fronts. You do that now, so don't go beating yourself too hard with that big stick will you? Hang on in there, sending you a big pink fluffy hug 'cause you need some softness to snuggle into right now for a bit, (just till you get your pecker up, I know pink and fluffy arn't your scene) love She. XX
  9. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Dear Min

    Thanks for your understanding. I sometimes wonder if I will carry these thoughts until the day I die..........did I do? could I have done? Mama........Sure I'll never lose them. But she is so lovely, and so vulnerable now. I know it will pass, just an up day on the rollercoaster, tomorrow may be a downhill day, please God!

    Mmmmmmm! Pink and fluffy is my scene when I'm being pink and fluffied. I could get used to that................but I'm not wearing it..or speaking it, well sometimes! I can live with that. Speaking of pink, have you been spending too much time on the pink birthday buck, because your housekeeping is leaving a little to be desired - your mail box has been full to bursting for about more chases around a green carpet at which any old buck can stop!

    Right now the softeness into which I need to snuggle is snuggled..........and spoiling it all by snoring a symphonic snore! At least he'll be warm.... seems almost cruelty to put my cold feet onto his farenheit (how do you spell that) high peds. Life's a bitch...........when the central heating's banjoed! If down in your part of the world you hear the tortured screams as my feet hit his back don't call out the forces, just throw another log on the fire! Save him hitting me with it!!!

    Lots of love, bunny chaser

    Empty your private mail box, for the last time. How many times do I have to ask? (Do you recall sometime in the past having this conversation with your sons by any chance in relation to that which passed for their rooms - aka as the building sites?) Your turn now. Put number one son on, he'll get it sorted!
  10. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    bin there and done it now! Sorry!! I know I am useless! What, no pink pjs then? Well at least you've got your humour back, glad to see it love. I sympathise totally with your feelings, it's all part of the love thing and I couldn't bear to be cold and unloving could you? So, we hurt, we agonise and we cry, at least here we can cry together. Thinking of you, love She. XX
  11. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Darling Min

    The day anybody dares call you useless will be the day we are all baring our bums on the town hall steps, major boroughs included!

    Couldn't bear to be without the mixed bag of emotions, it's what makes me who I am - not always easy to live with but..........all the better if I do have pink peejams. But they're silk, a present along with the fluffy flippy slippers (a joke present) you'd have to see (have to be bought from an Ann Summers shop, am sure) totally useless in the cold and I'd slide out of bed in the peejams that is. Am thinking of throwing myself on a pyre just for the hell fire of being warm!

    I like loving, even with the pain. Rather that than be one of my sisters. By the way didn't tell you, they're being batch delivered in February for a visit. What larks!!!

    Tomorrow will be a better day, central heating fixed in the morning. What Ho!

    Love to you and the bunnies
  12. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    You too eh, I had silk pjs for Crimble too, but from my lovely daughter and a dressing gown to match. We've got an Ann Summers down here, hubby wanted to go in at Christmas, but I couldn't face it, too old now, all the assistants are slim and twenty something! Just have to stick to the odd party, always good for a laugh. Do you remember those orgy T shirts years ago? I got one each for my son and nephew for Chrismas one year, they both wore them till they fell apart! The fluffy hoppitty thing hops in and out the house at will, last seen chasing the greengrocers van for carrots, s'pose he'll come home when the warrens turn out! He did cause a bit of a stir over the allottments though. Someone had some home made wine on the go and thought they were hallucinating, (or were they). Love She. XX
  13. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    #13 Chesca, Jan 18, 2005
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 18, 2005
    Darling Min

    Speaking of Ann Summers and things hopping in and out of the house, wasn't their biggest profit margin ever on the back of a 'rabbit'? Just thought I'd mention it. Hope the Buck is not being used for research purposes to measure it's hoppin' endurance. There are lines.............

    As for entering the portals of Ms Summers emporium, I have to tell you that me and the ever-so macho-and-thank-you-very-much-JJ (he dared I wouldn't but knew he wanted me to lose the dare - he actually blushed! blushed! JJ!) ventured into one of her shops after a rather merry lunch one particular odd Saturday we ventured into the City. Regardless of the dimensions of the vacuous cashing up the bunce, the punters were on the floor laughing as they passed their credit cards over! I do have to tell you that there was not an item of underwear that you couldn't get a damn site cheaper down at M&S (even ASDA, Matalan), and sexier actually - men take notice as Valentine's Day approaches - the cheaper it is, the easier to throw in the bin.

    As for the items of a more exotic nature? If you ever need your sink unblocking, take yourself down there - cheaper than calling out a plumber and a damn site more effective than Mr Muscle - always supposing it does what it says on the instructions for that particular Mr Muscle!

    Laugh! A better afternoon than the movies! And they have security guards! Permanently embarrassed men dressed in uniforms in an ... how shall we say it ... erotic emporium. Explain that job spec to the 'boys' down the pub!

    Yours vibrating with laughter - and very cold feet!

    Thanks all for helping me with kindness and laughter through this horrible bit. Means an awful lot to me.
  14. Kriss

    Kriss Registered User

    May 20, 2004
    Hi Chesca

    couldn't go off to work without adding a word or two. It's 'orrible isn't it - just when you think they're "out of it" and past the mental torture of maybe not knowing what they're not knowing if you know what I mean, some little spark of understanding pops out and you're stuck between upside of thinking "hey they're still with us, not lost yet" and the torment of "what sort of hell is this ".

    I keep going by trying to tell myself that the moment passes more quickly for them. Aunt too was very down when one of her "friends" in the home suddenly passed away. That's probably gone now but I still get the occasional "I don't like it here" comments. It guaranteed to break whatever sleep pattern i have developed and increase the turnover for Kleenex!

    Chin up chuck
    Kriss xxx
  15. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hi Chesca

    Sometimes you have to rise above the personal pain that comes of such conversations - difficult, sometimes impossible to do, I know - and just think that Mrs P is safe and cared for, both where she lives, and by you. Hold on to that.

    We all have thoughts that we might be able to bring our loved ones back home - but then, home really isn't home to them anymore - in their minds, I mean.

    I don't know which is the most painful - the moments of clarity when to our horror, we realise that they know things - or the inevitable decline.

    Mr Kipling must be making a fortune out of us - Jan gets through Country Slices like they are paper through a shredder. At present Jan can't even manage to kneel on all fours, and nose-dives to the mattress all the time. Takes all my strength to haul her upright to feed her the slices. Care staff won't do the lifting alone - it takes 2-3 of them, but that is all in the procedures, I guess. It is a pain when contact has been lost, hopefully momentarily.
  16. Katy44

    Katy44 Registered User

    Sep 14, 2004
    Chesca, you are always quick to reply to other people's posts with some words of wisdom or just something to cheer them up, I wish I could do the same for you. You really are doing your best, but unfortunately the illness is making everyone unhappy, there is nothing anyone can do, which I'm finding it hard to come to terms with.
    Good luck with the accommodation hunt, and I hope the heating comes back on soon!
  17. bjthink

    bjthink Guest

    Chesca, you have helped me in recent weeks with your openness and understanding, and I just wonder if there may be another way to look at Mrs P's sadness? She has used the only expressions she knows how to, saying that she's unhappy and wants to leave, but could she have been trying to tell you that she's confusedly grieving for the death of this friend?
    The human spirit is a wonderfully resiliant thing. It links all of us together, and makes us hurt for each other. You were hurt because she was hurting, but her hurt could have been a natural reaction to death of someone she cared about. And perhaps she was trying to share her moment of grieving with you, in the only way she now knows how?
    I see in what you told us not despair but comfort - the comfort that your mother is the same wonderful empathic and kind person she always has been. She cares, still. And that has to be a celebration of her indefatigable spirit, hasn't it?
  18. Chesca

    Chesca Guest

    Thanks once again, folks

    I know that what you say makes sense, just needed to hear it I suppose. It is painful when you believe there to be some awareness but I always get a little spark that she is still in there, as you say, BJ, that indefatigable spirit.

    24 hours on I have reverted to no panic zone, acceptance of the status quo and that is as a result of having you all to talk to. As ever, you're fantastic.

    Lots of love

    Thinking of buying shares in Mr Kipling and Kleenex.....
  19. Sheila

    Sheila Registered User

    Oct 23, 2003
    West Sussex
    Hi all, Ches, well your braver than we Gunga Din! (we dont have guards, what were they wearing for goodness sakes!) Beej and Katy, there is great wisdom in what you say. Brucie, the legal lifting max is now 2 stone, (tell that to all our family carers!!) You are all absolutely fabulous, between the lot of you, TP is unmatched in compassion, wisdom and humour (etc!) Lotsaluv, She. XX
  20. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Hello she,

    2 stone? Crikey, our cat weighs more than that! [the vet says he is a small dog, for the purposes of medication...]

    Good news is that Jan is back to her normal. I talked to her GP about medication [there has been no change], was it normal progression of AD [probably]. Then I saw her immediately after and she was crawling and smiling again. She slept all my visit on Monday, so it seems she was simply exhausted.

    Motto: there are always factors we don't know when trying to figure things out.

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