Yesterday I had a little cry. This is born out of frustration with my relatives and their lack of support. I am my mother's only daughter and my brother passed away 10 years, leaving a wife and 2 children. Five years my sister in law (My brother's wife) have virtually broke all communication with me and my mother. We don't know what we have done to cause this rift. This has been heart breaking for my mother who have not seen my brother's children for over 5 years. My brother's children is the only biological surviving link she has with them. Neither of us have received any card, phone call or visit. I have sent my sister-In-Law emails, messages via facebook and twitter asking her to call my mum as she would love to hear from her but to no avail. My nephew is in his early 20's and I have too sent texts and messages asking him to call my mother. He has promised to come down and meet us but it never happens. I have told him that his grandmother have alzehemier's disease and she is getting more forgetful. I phoned my sister in Law but she was very cold and distant with me. She asked 'What this call about?' Unbelievable so I hung up in tears. On the positive side I keep in touch with my niece, I know she wants to come down and see us but its difficult for her and I don't get her involved in what happening to my mother and her mother as she is 14 years. Now I am worried that by the time my niece and nephew get round to seeing my mother, it will be too late as my mother's memory will get so bad and she will be unable to recognised them. Similarly I have asked my mum's cousin to phone my mother as she still thinks they live in Cardiff. she can't remember their phone number. I have asked my cousin daughter to asked her parents on my behalf to no avail. For some reason she has become non communication with me. All I ask of my relatives is just make one call to my mother as she get depressed and lonely. Why is it when you say the 'A' word people run a mile. I do appreciate that my relatives may have busy lives and have their own issues to deal. I envied my partner's family they are half Irish and he has 7 brothers and sisters and they rallied round helping their parents as one of them has Alzehemier's disease. I have spent the past weeks organising care and support for my mother and dealing with her issues. It is such a lonely mountain to climb, doing it all on my own.
So frustrated with my family
- Thread starter FoxMulder
- Start date
I can appreciate why their uncaring attitude must seem so unreasonable to you, especially when your partner's family are so supportive of each other. Unfortunately that's families for you, and reading around on the forum, it soon becomes apparent that the indifference you are encountering is not uncommon.
I wonder if something has happened in the past that you are not aware of (and that your mother can no longer remember) that has antagonised your sister in law? In-law relationships can be notoriously difficult; I have been married for 39 years and it is only in the last two, since my MIL went into care, that her true opinion of me has surfaced thanks to some frank talking with my SIL. I have been pretty hurt and shocked, tbh, as I was under the impression that we always got on well, and if I'm totally honest, I feel pretty indifferent towards her now too. She's my mother in law, not my mother. That blood bond just isnt there, and one unintended hurtful comment or some slight can often spawn a long-held grudge. I go and visit with my husband (she isn't local) and I'm nice and friendly, but would I bother otherwise? I doubt it.
If your relatives won't telephone or visit willingly, I do wonder if it's worth the distress of trying to convince them otherwise.
I wonder if something has happened in the past that you are not aware of (and that your mother can no longer remember) that has antagonised your sister in law? In-law relationships can be notoriously difficult; I have been married for 39 years and it is only in the last two, since my MIL went into care, that her true opinion of me has surfaced thanks to some frank talking with my SIL. I have been pretty hurt and shocked, tbh, as I was under the impression that we always got on well, and if I'm totally honest, I feel pretty indifferent towards her now too. She's my mother in law, not my mother. That blood bond just isnt there, and one unintended hurtful comment or some slight can often spawn a long-held grudge. I go and visit with my husband (she isn't local) and I'm nice and friendly, but would I bother otherwise? I doubt it.
If your relatives won't telephone or visit willingly, I do wonder if it's worth the distress of trying to convince them otherwise.
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Oh FoxMulder what a difficult situation.
I too am an only child with no support - my mum's SIL (her life-long friend) has visited my mum once, my cousin - her daughter, has told me she finds it too difficult and asked me not to speak about dementia to her..... so here we are abandoned by the very people who should be able to give a little friendship.
Whatever grievance your SIL feels she has successfully passed this on to her son but maybe not so much to her daughter. To have been left bringing up two young children alone must have been a great shock and perhaps she felt in some way abandoned. I am only trying to find a reason for her subsequent behaviour.
Were you and mum actively able to keep the relationship for some time after your brother's passing or had there never been a close relationship? Bereavement can easily divide families as well as bringing them closer. Perhaps she finds contact with your family too painful and a reminder of a life she loved and lost. Who knows really? Your SIL's reaction seems very cold. Maybe she is punishing you and mum for something she feels you did to her - rightly or wrongly. But if she doesn't tell you, how can you ever put this right?
I realise she is not round the corner but have you ever tried knocking on her door and asking to sit down and speak with her - putting your cards on the table? How about hand-writing a very impassioned letter with some photo's of Mum explaining how sorry you are that you were unable to have a continuing relationship with her and her children and that you and your mum would greatly value being given a chance to make up for any mistakes, however unintentional, made in the past. I feel texts, Facebook etc are just too impersonal and almost an easy way out. Although you could show your mum some Facebook photos to make it seem as if she is able to share their lives a little. As your SIL seems angry and bitter and I would want to know why. Of course it may also be the case that she has just decided it's better for her to forget her husbands' family (Although I can't think what would be a reason for depriving her children of a relationship with a grandparent).
Give it your best shot to enable her to be completely open and honest because her priority at the moment is not visiting or contacting your mum, it's in punishing you both.
If it's any consolation (probably not), my mum has a half brother and half sister who ring me very occasionally but who have had no contact with mum since her diagnosis over 3 years ago.... on TP disappearing friends and relatives are called The Invisibles.
I too am an only child with no support - my mum's SIL (her life-long friend) has visited my mum once, my cousin - her daughter, has told me she finds it too difficult and asked me not to speak about dementia to her..... so here we are abandoned by the very people who should be able to give a little friendship.
Whatever grievance your SIL feels she has successfully passed this on to her son but maybe not so much to her daughter. To have been left bringing up two young children alone must have been a great shock and perhaps she felt in some way abandoned. I am only trying to find a reason for her subsequent behaviour.
Were you and mum actively able to keep the relationship for some time after your brother's passing or had there never been a close relationship? Bereavement can easily divide families as well as bringing them closer. Perhaps she finds contact with your family too painful and a reminder of a life she loved and lost. Who knows really? Your SIL's reaction seems very cold. Maybe she is punishing you and mum for something she feels you did to her - rightly or wrongly. But if she doesn't tell you, how can you ever put this right?
I realise she is not round the corner but have you ever tried knocking on her door and asking to sit down and speak with her - putting your cards on the table? How about hand-writing a very impassioned letter with some photo's of Mum explaining how sorry you are that you were unable to have a continuing relationship with her and her children and that you and your mum would greatly value being given a chance to make up for any mistakes, however unintentional, made in the past. I feel texts, Facebook etc are just too impersonal and almost an easy way out. Although you could show your mum some Facebook photos to make it seem as if she is able to share their lives a little. As your SIL seems angry and bitter and I would want to know why. Of course it may also be the case that she has just decided it's better for her to forget her husbands' family (Although I can't think what would be a reason for depriving her children of a relationship with a grandparent).
Give it your best shot to enable her to be completely open and honest because her priority at the moment is not visiting or contacting your mum, it's in punishing you both.
If it's any consolation (probably not), my mum has a half brother and half sister who ring me very occasionally but who have had no contact with mum since her diagnosis over 3 years ago.... on TP disappearing friends and relatives are called The Invisibles.
