Should my dad know

[Stacy]

Hello,
I wonder if anyone could help me.
My dad has just been recently diagnosed, and my mum hasnt told him, she feels it will upset him even more. I am very worried about her as he has had a lot of mood swings. I think he does need to know, but she says no. What would b the best advice? Many thanks
Stace

 

[john51]

As a dementia sufferer I think I would feel angry upset and let down if I wasn't told

 

[TooHard]

I'm surprised he was diagnosed without being told.

For what it's worth he may not remember even if he is told. By tea time of the day the specialist gave mum the official diagnosis (in great detail) she had forgotten what he'd said and told my siblings and my aunt that she was officially "a person". This "diagnosis" made her inordinately happy though. I don't know why I was so taken aback...I suppose because he went into so much detail - talking about a scan she'd had and the nature of mixed dementia, alzheimers and vascular etc - I thought it would stick.

Since then she has received a letter from the post diagnostic dementia support team to say she's on a waiting list for a visit from a liaison nurse. She went absolutely ballistic about the letter - "how dare they send that to me, I don't have dementia".

 

[Stacy]

Thank you for your replys.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Stacy
You've had 2 vary different relies so far - which shows that this is a tricky question.
It's good that you've found TP to read around and get information which will help you to support your mum in caring for your dad - and it's lovely that you're concerned about her
I tend to think that your mum knows your dad well and has the main carer role, so go by what she feels is best - certainly chat it over with her, however she is the one who must live with your dad, and will probably have very good reasons for her decision.
She's going to need your support, so maybe find out as much as you can about services in your local area to support them both and be there to step in when she needs you.
Sometimes it's not the knowing something that makes the difference, it's being supported in dealing with whatever arises that matters
best wishes

 

[jjude]

Hi my dad was diangnosed six years ago and we never told him. I also asked for advice on hear and several people said if he was happy and would probably forget anyway then there was nothing to gain. I like you wanted to tell him but my mum didn't. In the end I respected her decision as she was the one who was looking after him. He is now in a care home in the final stages. I often ask myself the question should we have told him and the simple answer is I dont know. All I do know is it wouldn't change anything. i wish you well in the journey ahead

 

[Stacy]

Thanks for your best wishes, its a very hard decsion and i can see the benefits of both sides. But i suppose it comes down to my mum's decision, and i must support her as much as i can. Thank you for your comments.

 

[Kevinl]

Hi Stacy, welcome to TP
It really depends on what it would achieve, John who posted earlier says yes, but he's obviously in a position to be able to handle this and I feel I would want to be told too, however, my wife was in very aggressive denial for a long time and anyone who mentioned it took their life in their hands.
Telling him might cause depression, it could lead to friction between him and your mum anytime she did or said something that he perceived as being treating him as someone without capacity and it could be any little thing.
When my wife was diagnoses I went agreeing with her that the doctors had got it wrong, she went to all her appointments just so we could prove them wrong (never did) but it meant we were on the same side, knowing what I know now I would rather she hadn't been told, it wasn't the right thing for her.
On balance and from what you've said about your mum not wanting to tell him and the mood swings I think mum may be right, withholding it at least for now might be for the best. If it's any consolation in time it will cease to matter anyway.
In other circumstances I would say he should be told but from what you've said telling him may not be in his best interest.
K

 

[fizzie]

I really think it is your mum's decision - because she knows him best. When my husbands cancer was deemed to be terminal I knew that he didn't want that piece of information - we had had many conversations over the years - and so I made sure he wasn't told - what a struggle that was! But others would very much have wanted to know in that position. There's no one size fits all but Mum knows best lol xx take care of yourselves

 

[sparky023]

My Dad has also been recently diagnosed. I cannot bring myself to mention it, but he knows things have happened as he's home from hospital now with a care package in place. But he isn't asking any questions regarding the carers, which surprises me, but to be honest with you, I think he realises that he needs support now.
He goes to hospital 3 days a week for diaylsis now. Each time he's been, he thinks he's spent the afternoon sitting around "wasting time" even though he's been plugged into the machine for 4 hours, he has no memory of it. And he's so convincing when he speaks, well obviously because he believes it's the truth so why wouldn't he be convincing?!

We have had conversations about his hospital stay since he's been home, and each time, it comes as a surprise!

It's a very personal thing. I agree you should leave that up to your mum. Unless of course he asks you x