Where is 'safe'?
Jules, this is a tough one, isn't it? It's not like a decision that can be easily reversed if it proves to be wrong.....
Sorry folks, but this is a llllloooonnnng one! Anyone cares to read through and can offer any advice, I would be really grateful.....
We asked mum to move into a house together years ago (physically frail then, and with no idea of what we might be facing now. Steadfast refusal at that time!)
We are still in the same situation in that neither our house nor hers is big enough for all of us - but in a very different situation now in terms of her health.
I read somewhere (probably here!) that to move someone with dementia would be bad for them as they will have 'lost' their familiar surroundings.. I can see the logic in that... yet I am trying to balance not wanting my mum to ever go into a home, yet not feeling physically or emotionally capable of 'running' two households for an infinite amount of time, especially with the forewarnings of how mum’s demands (for want of a better word) are likely to progress…
Quite frankly, on the purely practical level, it would be easier (for me!) to have one lot of bills/shopping/cooking - and mum would have 24/7 support. Even hubby agrees he would be more happy have MIL live with us than think we can continue this constantly 'running about' even though she is a 'stone's throw' away ...
It would be tough to even 'arrange it' – most here will no doubt know that selling and buying ONE (!) property is stressful enough - and I wonder whether mum is really well enough (if that's what we all agreed to do) to see the process through and whether I am capable enough of taking all the paperwork and legalities on (I don't seem to be coping now as things are).
Then there are the implications of selling mum's house (we would certainly need her capital from the sale as much as our equity to finance the type of property suitable for us all)... would that be seen as 'misappropriating'? - even if we're doing it in the short-term to ensure her care? This is not about ‘saving’ the family home – it’s no mansion, this about being able to look after mum in her own home for as long as we possibly can, but could it/would it be seen that way? But would it be her ‘own’ home? And why do I feel I need to justify all this?
I really don’t think she is sure anymore whether she prefers to be where she has been for the last 30+ years or would prefer to be 24/7 with us (including her treasured grandson). In which case, what right do I have to say, seeing as you can’t make your mind up, we’re doing this because it’s easier for me?
Someone please tell me the decisions get easier……
There is another side to this, …..
One incident with mum which has disconcerted me probably more than anything was finding a note by mum’s phone only a couple of weeks ago. (She always has a note pad by her phone and tries to ‘capture’ details when I am not there – although mostly now she has rehearsed the ‘Please ring my daughter and explain this to her’, and has my number written down next to the phone to pass on to the caller, unless it is a friend she recognises).
It was her handwriting - beautiful and legible as it used to be when she seems to have struggled to write/spell or re-read her own ‘reminder notes’ for months now. It read: ‘You can come home now, the fighting is over. Remember to say thank you to those who have looked after you.’
(I feel like I am prying, and at other times, like I have to be ‘private detective’ to give me clues as to what’s going on when no-one is with her!)
I recognised this was a throw back to ‘evacuation days’ (I know I have already posted elsewhere about mum living the legacy of the (WWII) war years, which I don’t necessarily see as an entirely bad thing in some respects), but I was shocked (apart from she had had some ‘imaginary’ phone call) that the ‘idea’ of coming home/going home is already a confusing issue for some.
If dementia sufferers like my mum (73) have suffered childhood trauma of being confused about where ‘home’ really is, is this likely to be magnified if there is another (apparently ‘forced’ – as was evacuation) change of environment?
All that of course, was in the best interests of the children’s safety – but I know for my mum personally she has NEVER recovered from being ripped apart from her mother for so many years…
Do I let her be, and just keep dodging the bombs that are dropping all around us or insist she goes along with what I consider to be a ‘place of safety’?