Should I tell my mum that my younger brother has 8 weeks to live?

[Duck17]

My 93 year old mum has a diagnosis of mixed alzheimers & vascular dementia and lives at home. I am her carer and struggling to give her the level of support she needs and support my brother. My brother has cancer and has just been advised he has a limited time left. I feel she needs to know if only so she can say goodbye, but know that she won’t remember and will be going through the trauma of finding out repeatedly. My brother would also like to say goodbye to her. Any suggestions please?

 

[Rachael03]

Hi @Duck17 and welcome to Dementia TP. I'm very sorry to hear about your brother's terminal diagnosis.

Does your brother live nearby and see your mum regularly or would this be a case of him wanting to see out of the blue to say goodbye? I do think he should see his mum to say his own personal goodbye, but maybe the context can be shielded from her and not necessarily explain to her the circumstances. It could just be a case of them spending time together while he still can. I'm not sure if this is possible eg if he is in hospital or receiving care at home but any white lie to make the visit pleasant for both of them might be worthwhile and to relieve the stress for yourself.

I don't know if I'd tell your mum upfront about his short time left, it might cause a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety for everyone at an already difficult time. Maybe it is best to cross the bridge of what to say once that time comes. There is no right or wrong in thesw circumstances, you are already doing your best for them both.

Wishing you strength in the coming weeks. Do come back here to talk if you need support during the time.

 

[Chaplin]

Hello @Duck17 sorry to hear about your brother.

We have a similar situation whereby my mum is living with very advanced dementia. Her brother has recently received a terminal diagnosis and given around 6 months. Mum often talks of her family not visiting her and sadly thinks her parents have abandoned her! I told her that her brother has been poorly and he visited her last week for her birthday. We haven’t told her about his diagnosis as she will forget in minutes.

I would suggest your brother visits your mum without the need to share his diagnosis. Hopefully that will give him comfort, make your mum happy without the anxiety of knowing the detail.

Is it possible to find your mum some respite care with a view to making that a permanent home for her. Sadly as we all know caring for someone with dementia doesn’t get any easier alongside the normal frailties that come with advancing age. Give yourself a break, you’ve a lot going on and you cannot pour from an empty cup. Take care,

 

[Sarasa]

Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Duck17. Sorry to hear about your brother. It is so difficult when you have two close family members that need support.
I think arranging a visit between the two of them is important if you can. At about the time my mother went into care my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I didn't tell her as she would have only worried to no good purpose (her memory wasn't too bad at that point). My brother was very ill and nearly died a couple of times. Fortunately he recovered. If he had been advised that he had only a short time left I'd have tried to arrange a visit, but as it is mum is still unaware of what happened. When she could still remember him clearly and wondered why he hadn't visited I sent him on a world tour! (he's a musician)
However I can imagine it might be tricky if they don't live near each other and neither is able to travel far. Certainly if I had had to get my mum from South London to the hospital my brother was in in North London it would have been very hard to arrange. Can they see each other via zoom or some other virtual platform?