should i talk to my dad about it?

Discussion in 'Younger people with dementia and their carers' started by sarah<3, Apr 13, 2008.

  1. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    24
    Essex
    i want to talk to my dad, but im not sure if i should,
    his sister has alzheimers, and so did his mum
    i cant remember how he acted when my gran had it, because i was 6, but with my aunty, hes really 'matter of fact' about it, and seems to have no emotion
    because my aunty has down's syndrome, none of us were that close to her, but i was more close than my brother and sister.
    my dad doesn't realise how upset i'm getting about this, and i dont want him to know..
    i dont know what i should do
    any ideas?

    sarah
    xxxxxxxx
     
  2. Suzanna

    Suzanna Registered User

    Dec 5, 2007
    55
    Manchester/London
    Hi Sarah,

    sorry it has taken so long for someone to get back to you, i think people see the posts on the 'younger people with dementia' section less often, they tend to focus on the main forum.

    I was a bit confused about your post, is it that you are concerned for your Dad, or that you want someone to talk to about your aunty - or both?

    i think really the decision will have to be yours, it can be very hard sometimes to talk, but usually people end up feeling better after.

    hope you are doing ok,

    Suzanna
     
  3. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Sarah

    Hi, you said you wanted to talk to your dad and near the end of your post you said you didn't want him to know how upset you are. Maybe you can begin to write down (privately) what you would want to say to your dad (you don't have to show him if you don't want). This can help to formulate what it is you really want to say and it also helps to get it out. Of course, if it's private and you can be sure it stays private, you can write anything and it doesn't have to be reasonable or polite!! I've noticed that sometimes people use Talking Point to do the same thing and it seems to be quite therapeutic. Also it is a way of being able to say what you want without your dad seeing how you feel. Maybe you need to gear yourself up first in a safer environment.

    Hope this helps but if not I do hope you find the help that you need.

    Love

    Helen
     
  4. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Hi Sarah - sorry too I've not responded before - my son is nearly 14 and I'm not sure I always do the right things about telling him or not telling him about his grandma's dementia .... how much we visit together etc ..... most parents do their best - but we don't always get things absolutely right!!!!! :cool::)

    As you will well know - you are at that splendid age where you are so aware of what might be happening around you - and yet not legally able to do anything about it for yourself? I do wonder if the 'matter of factness' from your dad comes with simply being in the situation when you just have to get on and try to cope with all the practical things when you are feeling lots of emotional things ...... and you just have to try to 'bury them' to cope from day to day .... the trouble is when we bury feelings they can resurface later in life - so you are very wise to want to deal with this openly now ... but perhaps your dad isn't feeling quite so ready to do that?

    Are there other members of the family who may be able to help? Would they understand how your dad might be feeling too? You sound a hugley compassionate young person who is considering others too .... but you must gain all the support you can for yourself too .....

    This site might be a starter for you ... http://www.there4me.com/home/index.asp

    Please keep posting here too .... I am sure everyone would want to help in whatever way they can ...

    Love, Karen, x
     
  5. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    836
    Australia
    #5 jc141265, Apr 19, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2008
    Hi Sarah,
    Hard to advise when I don't know about your current relationship with your father but I would think that if you are usually close it may be nice for him to hear from you that you care about your aunty and you care about him.
    He is probably acting very matter of fact because he has dealt with alzheimers before (his mum) and probably has spent many a year already concerned for his sister due to her down's syndrome. I would think maybe he's always had to be strong?
    So don't be put off if he doesn't necessarily want to talk back as it may be hard for him to 'be strong' if he actually does have to talk about it, but I can't see what harm it would do to just tell him that you worry about your aunt and worry about him, perhaps you could tell him you don't want him to worry about you too but that you want him to know you care about him and hope its not all too hard for him as you imagine it would have to be. I know this doesn't help you immediately if you are looking for someone to share your grief with, but if he knows you are concerned you may just find that opening up to him will allow you both to talk about it?
    My Dad has dementia and that has made me realise that no real harm can come from telling a family member that you love them or worry about them or worry about other family members. I also have a mother who can be rather matter of fact, and sometimes she brushes off my emotional moments as if I am being silly and over emotional but I don't take it to heart and am just glad that whether my thoughts and feelings are outwardly scorned, tut tutted or smiled at or not, they have been said, so my Mum and my Dad do know I care deep down. I'd rather that than them thinking I was cold and uncaring! :eek:
    P.S. Often actually talking to someone about this stuff can be rather embarassing and awkward and the words don't come out too well and first up you may think 'oh my gawd why did I even try to say something' or worse yet you may find your words didn't come out right at all...but this is your Dad and he will eventually get it. When my Dad was first getting ill I didn't know how to talk about it with him, but he knew I knew and even though I was in my mid twenties at the time, I decided the best way I could express my concern and my worry was just to grab his hand and hold it sometimes like I would have when I was a little girl. We never discussed anything but I am glad I held his hand now and I think he was glad I held it too...I think he knew what I wanted to say.
     
  6. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    24
    Essex
    thank you everyone
    i have talked to my dad, but not about me being upset
    i asked him about my anunty, how shes doing, and the chances of him getting alzhermers
    i do normally get on with my dad really well, and ive realised how similar we are in personality
    my sisters going through a really hard time, and she didnt think i cared about it, like my dad with my aunty
    things are ok at the moment, and im focusing on my gcse's
    but my sister might have cancer, so im also worried about that

    thanks for everyones advice
    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  7. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Sarah

    Well done for talking to your dad. :)

    It sounds as if you've also talked to your sister about her worries, and that's really good. What a sensitive, mature young lady you are!:) Keep telking to them, it's impostant for them to know you care.

    I hope your sister's cancer scare turns out to be unfounded, but I'm sure you'll support her in any case.

    And good luck with the GCSEs -- what a lot you have on your plate at the moment! But you're doing fine.:)

    Love,
     
  8. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    24
    Essex
    thanks
    yea, its all going ok at the moment
    my dads been on holiday twice now, so havnt seen him much
    was a nice break for him though :)

    thank you! i hope i do ok :)
    xxxxxxxxx
     
  9. sarah<3

    sarah<3 Registered User

    Apr 12, 2008
    24
    Essex
    oh, and to Karen
    thank you so much for that site, i went on and talked to someone
    it was really really helpful, and i feel a lot better now :)
    thank you :D
    xxxxxxxxx
     

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