should i go and see Mum

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by dianemb, Sep 13, 2006.

  1. dianemb

    dianemb Registered User

    Aug 17, 2006
    20
    My Mum passed away on 1st sept, she is being buried on Friday 15th. Up until now I thought I did not want to see her at the undertakers as I had seen her in the hospital after she passed away and I had said my goodbyes.
    Now with only one day to go before the funeral I feel desperate about seeing her but also somehow frightened. i do not want any regrets but neither do i want to see her looking very different> I am in such a turmoil
    Diane x
     
  2. cris

    cris Registered User

    Aug 23, 2006
    326
    Chelmsford
    should I see mum

    The choice will be yours at the end of the day, but if it is the first time that you seen someone like that, take someone with you at least for when you come out. I think you may be surprised at how at peace she is. The worry lines fade, they smile, and are at peace with the world. In my view they are beautiful.
    cris
     
  3. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    1,656
    Sheffield
    Hi Diane
    I can only speak from my own personal experience.....I also saw my dad just after he died in the hospital...(.Not AD....cancer....) I also visited him in the chapel of rest a week later. I wanted to see him and I was also frightened but I'm glad I went.....he looked really at peace....I took the opportunity to put a poem in his coffin and pictures of the granchildren.....I'd say yes...go....especially as you feel so desperate to see her...
    Take care Diane and I hope all goes well on Friday
    love xx
     
  4. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Diane,
    My FIL died very suddenly 18 months ago. My children and I went to see him in the Chapel of Rest. He was not smiling; for all of us it so obviously was nolonger grandad, we were able to accept his death. We placed a letter in the coffin with him, saying the things that we would have wanted to have had time to tell him. For me it helped at the funeral, because I knew that Grandad was not in the coffin, just his shell. It was scarey at the Chapel of Rest, I think being faced by death, and I was so pleased that we were there as a family - but it did help us begin to accept, and so begin to heal. I would make the same decision again.
    Thinking of you.
    Love Helen
     
  5. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    5,379
    NW England
    Diane

    This is a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' .... no way to judge what 'regrets' you may feel later whichever way you turn .... my gut reaction is 'to go with your instincts' and don't persecute yourself later if you feel afterwards you made the wrong decision at that particular time.....

    Having seen both comfort and difficulties arising from this kind of situation in the family previously, I took the 'middle road' when my dad died some years ago and without 'seeing him' spent many hours in the Chapel of Rest ... so so, close....

    My love and thoughts are with you, Karen, x
     
  6. dmc

    dmc Registered User

    Mar 13, 2006
    1,157
    hello dianemb

    i went with my brother to see my nan, at the time i was petrified but i was left with a feeling of peace, becouse i knew that it wasnt my nan and that it wasnt her laying there.
    it did give me the chance to say goodbye in my own way though and i also placed a few items in with her mostly a teddy bear, cigarettes and lighter and hair tongs which sounds really strange now ive written it down but at the time it seemed so important and im so glad i did it.
    i think you can only do what you feel is right for you, my mum couldnt visit my nan, im not sure i can visit my mum when the time comes, its just how you feel at the time
    hope things go ok for you my deepest sympathy on your loss
    take care x
     
  7. MrsMoneypenny

    MrsMoneypenny Registered User

    Sep 12, 2006
    13
    Suffolk
    Can only speak from my experience and you must do what you think is right for you as Cris said. I was absolutely petrified of seeing my Nana. She had Cancer and passed away in a hospice I saw her there but felt the need to see her just one more time. I didn’t and don't regret it. She looked so peaceful. More so than when I saw at the hospice. It gave me a sense of closure and contentment. You’ve got to do whatever feels right but just remember there are no second chances.
    Hope all goes well Friday be thinking of you.

    Naomi
     
  8. maria29al

    maria29al Registered User

    Mar 15, 2006
    426
    Warwickshire
    My Dad died in June and we had a long gap between his passing and the funeral. I went to see him a number of times in the Chapel of Rest and he looked beautiful...very serene and dignified.
    It is a shock however and I never went on my own..usually with my sister or my daughters.
    I miss going to see him now the funeral is over. I found it really helped me. But, everyone is different so you have to go with how you feel.

    Take care.
    Hugs
    M
    x
     
  9. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    When my father died my mother decided we didn't want to go and "pay our respects", and at that time we were letting her make all the decisions, and then when she died we thought we should do the same things she'd decided then, I did regret it when I phoned the day before the funeral and was told it was too late to change my mind.

    Of course I don't know if I'd have more sense of closure and peace now if I had seen her after her death.

    It must be a comfort for those whose religion gives them guidance and a pattern to follow.

    Lila
     

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