Should I bring Dad home for Christm

Discussion in 'Recently diagnosed and early stages of dementia' started by Evie5831, Dec 5, 2015.

  1. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    This is my Dad's first Christmas with dementia so dealing with Christmas is a new experience for me. He is in a local care home but my dilemma is whether to bring him home for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. I don't know whether it will brighten him up or cause his confusion to ramp up. Does any one have experience of this?
    .
     
  2. Beate

    Beate Registered User

    May 21, 2014
    11,708
    Female
    London
    Everyone asks this. You know your Dad best but the general consensus is to leave them in the home to limit confusion. People with dementia often don't understand it's Christmas any more, and all the noise and fuss can unsettle. The home will put on some festivities and a special meal too, so just visit for a while and leave it at that.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,203
    Merseyside
    Personally I would let him stay in familiar surrounding & go to visit.
     
  4. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    I have the same dilemma. After worrying about it i have decided to visit. I think tsking mum to our house woukd be too much for her. There are stairs and not enough space for her zimmer. I think she will be happier in the home and theyvwill have plenty of things going on. Its hard for me but better for her. Dont feel guilty. Dementia is driving the decisions here.
     
  5. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Thank you everyone, I appreciate you replying so quickly.
     
  6. Dustycat

    Dustycat Registered User

    Jul 14, 2014
    220
    North East
    I brought my Dad out last year but found after a short space of time he was agitating to go back. This year I am just going to visit. X
     
  7. Emac

    Emac Registered User

    Mar 2, 2013
    172
    Home for Christmas

    Hi I am in the same position. It's Mum's first Christmas in a care home. I think the answer depends on how far along the dementia journey the person is and if he is still able to get out into the community with you regularly? If he is used to going out with you perhaps it would not stress him unduly, however depending on distances to travel maybe you might not want to keep him out overnight? It also depends if he will be in a large crowd or small family group and how you think he will cope with that. My Mum is taken out either during the day or evening about 4 times per week. The care home have said some residents are better left in but that Mum seems much happier when she has family come to see her and take her out. Because of this the plan is to collect her on Christmas day and go for lunch (which she probably wont eat much of) in the local golf club (a familiar place where she knows a lot of people, or at least they know her) then Dad will take her to their house for a couple of hours quiet time and then bring her to me for a Christmas night party with a slightly larger group of family. There will be singing and dancing which she loves! If she is happy enough we will keep her out late and it could be midnight before we take her back, however the home is near enough that we can take her back earlier if we need to. I say this not to make you feel guilty but just to suggest that the answer depends on the person and the situation. I totally agree that if it is likely to cause stress to your Dad or the rest of the family his need will be well taken care of in his usual residence with a visit if that is possible. I will let you know how my Christmas goes and wish you luck with yours! ;)
     
  8. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Thank you EMac. I am considering taking him with me to my daughter's on Christmas day and to my son Boxing Day. Both of my children visit him regularly so they are still familiar to him, the issue is that neither of their homes are and both of them have their husband/ wife's parents staying.
    I think that my Dad would want to go back after a shortish time but I wonder if a little time with family will balance out his potential unsettle news. Tough isn't it!
    I hope that everyone on here has a lovely Christmas no matter how they spend it.
     
  9. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Oh well! I brought Dad out for a couple of hours and it was a disaster, he literally folded in on himself and wouldn't stand, walk or even sit up on a chair at the dining table. Even after receiving your advice on leaving him in the home he seemed so bright I decided to take the chance and take him out. He managed well at my grandson's christening a few weeks ago and I naively thought it would work again. I will be visiting today but not taking him out to my son's.
    I thought that I would write this in the hopes of helping others making tough decisions about taking their loved ones out of the home. The guilt I would have felt at leaving him there is nothing to the guilt I feel today at removing him both for him and my Mum who is gutted by the whole experience.
     
  10. stanleypj

    stanleypj Registered User

    Dec 8, 2011
    10,654
    North West
    You shouldn't feel bad about this Evie. You considered carefully and though that, on balance, it was worth a try. This time it didn't work out but the recent christening did. If you had been more cautious on that occasion he, you, and the family would have missed out. It's never going to be possible to know for sure how things will work but I think you are doing the right thing by trying to keep an open mind and not assuming that once your loved one has walked through the CH door that's it.
     
  11. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Oh well! I brought Dad out for a couple of hours and it was a disaster, he literally folded in on himself and wouldn't stand, walk or even sit up on a chair at the dining table. Even after receiving your advice on leaving him in the home he seemed so bright I decided to take the chance and take him out. He managed well at my grandson's christening a few weeks ago and I naively thought it would work again. I will be visiting today but not taking him out to my son's.
    I thought that I would write this in the hopes of helping others making tough decisions about taking their loved ones out of the home. The guilt I would have felt at leaving him there is nothing to the guilt I feel today at removing him both for him and my Mum who is gutted by the whole experience.
     
  12. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Thank you so much for that response, I appreciate your positivity as I have lost a little
     
  13. jan.s

    jan.s Registered User

    Sep 20, 2011
    7,352
    Dear Evie, don't be too hard on yourself. You made the decision with the best of intentions. You tried something that didn't work as well as you had hoped, so you can think next time about your experiences and make a different decision.

    I think we all suffer from guilt, making the right decision is so hard sometimes. We do what we feel is right at the time, and always with the best of intentions.

    I hope you enjoy your day today. Dad will be fine; he knows the routine there!

    J x
     
  14. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    I agree with Stanley, evie. You have nothing to feel guilty about. It's one of those "damned if you, damned if you don't" situations that the Guilt Monster loves to play with! Boot the guilt out! As with anything, you try your best with the information available to you - which was that your dad did well coming out for the Christening just a few weeks ago. Now, you know that that few weeks has made a difference, and from now on you can make your decisions with that further information. If you hadn't tried, you'd be left wondering "What if I had tried? Maybe he would have been fine?" - now you know, and don't have to worry about future outings. Your dad's illness has made the decision.
     
  15. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Evie, you took your Dad out of the home to spend Christmas Day with you because you love him. Please give the Guilt Monster a punch in the nose, he is not welcome here!
     
  16. Evie5831

    Evie5831 Registered User

    Nov 7, 2015
    108
    Thank you to everyone who has replied to me, your comments have really helped me and to hear them from people who have all had experiences with this sort of dilemma means a lot to me.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.