Should dad go to mum's funeral?

[snowygirl]

I can hardly believe that I've moved to the next part of the forum now but here I am. Mum passed just over two weeks ago and her funeral is on Monday. I thought all was arranged and settled until yesterday when my sister suddenly said that she was thinking that we should tell dad and even take him to the funeral. Dad has Alzheimer's too and is in a care home and up until yesterday we had all agreed not to tell him and not to take him to the funeral. Its been hard and in our true hearts of course we would like him there but he's ill so why would we? What good would it serve? Why do I want to impose the distress and sadness I feel onto him? I really don't understand. How can we know how this will affect him. How will he deal with all those faces? What will he do when he sees us crying? I'm just so upset by it all. Can anyone tell me a good reason for him to go? Is there one? thanks.

 

[Jessbow]

Flip side.

My father ( who wasn't a PWD) died quite suddenly , and as Mum and he had, until that point , lived together, It didn't occur to us not to take her. ( don't think we really realised how engulfed she was by dementia by that time)

Honestly? Most of it went straight over her head! I am not sure she even knew why she was there. She was almost indifferent- could have been anyones funeral.

Would I, If I had my time again, take her? No .

 

[cragmaid]

Condolences on your loss.
Does Dad talk about Mum or ask about her at all? If he is likely to retain any mental image of his wife, then it might be kind to tell him, but if he gets distressed, or does not mention your Mum at all, then I would neither tell him of her death or take him to a very confusing event.....at least it will be to him.

 

[Dazmum]

Hi Snowygirl, I'm so sorry about your mum.

When my dad passed away over four years ago now, we told my mum, who was not as bad as she is now. She was terribly upset of course. Two weeks later was dad's funeral. I had decided that mum should come as she had visited him while he was poorly and seemed to understand how ill he was.

Of course on the morning of the funeral we had to tell her again that he had died and what was going to happen that day, and she was upset again. I think that by the time we got to funeral she had forgotten again, and I spent most of the time worrying about how she was doing. At the gathering afterwards she sat in a corner and all our relatives can to see her and chat. On the way home, she said that she had had 'a lovely day', and has not mentioned my dad since, he has been completely forgotten.

So, with hindsight, would I do it again? Definitely not. My experience was just the same as Jessbow's. I did it because I thought I should. The only good thing was that mum had a nice time seeing all the relatives.

I hope that all goes as well as it can, and I fully agree with what others have said here.

Just to add that since that time, mum's brother has died as have some of her friends and other relatives and I haven't told her about any of them, as I can't see the point in upsetting her so much even for a very short time.