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Should Dad be present when we inter Mums ashes?


Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
Hi all
Just a recap: Mum died June last year, Dad has vascular dementia. Is still at home on his own with car calls three times a day and day centre four days a week. I am his registered carer, I shop, do his washing, take him to appointments, do his banking, a Take care of his three cats vets appointments and everything else. I also work full time.
When Mum died, Dad went into a moderate depression, resulting in antidepressants. It's taken him about three months to get right, he is now quite content. The thing is, we have had a plaque made for Mum for the local cemetery and I am interning her ashes there on her birthday 9th March.
I scattered some ashes on my Nan and Grandad grave before Christmas and Dads GP advised me not to take Dad with me then as he was still recovered from a low period and GP didn't want him knocked back. I am wondering whether to take him along to the interment of Mums ashes or not. GP says I should see how he feels but to be careful; I should do what's best for him. Its a lot of pressure! I don't want to deny him the opportunity for closure but I don't want him to go into another depression when he is doing so well.
I would appreciate some advice and perspectives from you guys, I get good advice here


Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
West Hertfordshire
Honestly? I wouldn't. I wouldn't risk upsetting him at this stage. He's on his way through the really hard bit and so set him back...well, for what? he had his closure at the crematorium.

I guess others will say say 'yes, its important' but to me, the ashes could go anywhere, she'll be in his heart , always

cold feet

Registered User
Nov 19, 2010
I agree with Jessbow, I wouldn't take him. Why introduce the possibility of a return of the depression, when presumably he knows nothing about what is going on? He has already said his goodbyes.


Registered User
Apr 6, 2011
North Manchester
I agree with Jessbow, you say 'he is now content' , I would take his to mean that he has obtained some degree of closure. Taking him to the interment could just knock him back again to square one, I think the GP's 'be careful' could well be a way of saying 'I would not advise it'

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Registered User
Dec 29, 2012
Thanks everyone. You confirmed the doubts in my mind and gave me the opportunity to look at it from another angle. I was 50:50 now I am 99% sure I am not going to take him.
Thank you

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