She wants to leave home

[nightowl]

I do feel mean, I only seem to have time to come here when there is a problem

Six weeks ago mum's knee flared up and she couldn't use the stairlift. So we brought her bedroom downstairs (she lives with us). At the same time her vascular dementia took a turn for the worse for a while. Carers had to be brought in to look after her in the mornings (for 30 mins) whilst I went to work. After six weeks the free service provided by the re-ablement team ended, and last Friday new carers were brought in.

Tonight she wants to know what is going on. After a long, convoluted discussion, she wants to know how I would feel if after six weeks the house was picked up and moved onto the corner. And why did we move again? (We haven't moved for 14 years). The only thing I've moved is her bedroom and the red chairs in my workroom and that, she says, is not a problem.

Two hours later...I haven't got a clue, except that she says she knows what is going to happen. I won't like her anymore. She is a bit tearful. She thinks she'll go to bed (but that's just a protest move - and "I'm depressed" statement) but, as I said, that means I'll have to do her tablets first.

I don't know how to cope with this. I've sent my husband out of the way into the front room (otherwise he'll get blamed for everything), my daughter and her boyfriend are also in the other room, out of the way.

What am I supposed to do? Please? She says that if she could drive she would leave.

Nightowl

 

[Grannie G]

The change in routine has confused your mum Nightowl. New carers, a new room , small changes to some but massive changes to someone with dementia.

It`s very challenging for you. You can`t reason with her or expect her to apply any logic. She says the bedroom move is all right but she doesn`t really know. All she knows are changes she can`t come to terms with in her mind.

All you can do is reassure her as well as you can. There is no answer and it`s exhausting for you. xx

 

[nightowl]

Well, at least you confirm my thoughts. What I don't like is the way it splits the family, but that's nothing new either, as she rarely wants to sit with my family, only with me or by herself.
Thanks for the confirmation!

 

[Grannie G]

she rarely wants to sit with my family, only with me or by herself.

My husband was the same. It was because he could only cope with one to one interaction and was lost in a group.
Even when our son visited and there were just the three of us, my husband would `switch off` because he couldn`t follow the conversation.
Now my husband is in a home and our son and I visit on seperate occasions. My husband talks to our son much more when I am not there.

 

[lin1]

Nightowl
Hugs to you.
Sylvia has already said what I was going to

I do know how distressing this is for you , hopefully in time mum will become more settled with the very necessary changes.xxxx

 

[Amber 5]

Hi,
Even though my mum is in a care home, I have come to realise that she is much better with one to one conversations too. On Xmas Eve - my birthday, and Christmas Day we had her round to my house where my husband and three daughters were all here. Then on the Monday following Christmas, my brother and family came over, so we brought her round again (as we've always done in the past).

It was obviously too much for mum who eventually banged her hands down onto the table and shouted "I wish you would all shut up going on and on". As soon as I took her back in the car, she never mentioned it again and acted as I would normally expect her to. I guess it's not much fun when you can't follow the chatting going on around you; you are feeling tired and the voices keep on and on.

Made me realise that we need to re-think the get togethers for her in future.

Best wishes,
Gill xx

 

[nightowl]

My constant dilemma is that this takes too much out of the rest of my family. Last night my step-mother-in-law "grannyh sat" for us whilst we went out for two hours. First time in 5 years. I knew she would be fine, but when we all came back and exchanged our Xmas presents together she just went into herself, it's obvious that she can't compete with more than one. She will never eat with us, even on Xmas day. I wonder how close I am to knowing that she will be better looked after in residential care?