Sexual behaviour in a care home

[Carerin20s]

Hi all,

My Mum in residential care for a year now, was found by carers in bed with a another male resident, in a room belonging to neither of them. They are both some of the most mobile residents and the carers assured us that there was only a small 20 minute window in which this could have happened.

My Mum is less and less lucid. She knows who I am and my family, but can't really recall information without being coached or prompted. Her Dementia is vascular and she has real trouble connecting sentences when trying to express herself. She has never exhibited any overtly sexual behaviours since being diagnosed and I don't think it's due to medication. She understands which bedroom is hers and I've never seen any inclination from her to walk into other residents' rooms without being directed.

I and my Dad are not sure how to approach this. We feel upset and let down by the care home staff but understand that they can't have eyes on all the residents, all the time.

Has anyone got any experience in dealing with these types of situations? I haven't seen my Mum or visited her care home for a few days but am due to do so in a few hours for a pre-planned day out.

 

[jay6]

Gosh that's hard for you. I haven't had any experiences like that but do remember a few years ago when my OH was in hospital. The guy in bed opposite had dementia and he always made a beeline for someone else's wife. (the same lady) He got angry when anyone spoke to her and got really annoyed when she sat by her husbands bed. But was always ok when his own wife visited. It turned out that as he was so confused he actually thought the lady was his wife. I must admit they did look quite similar. The staff moved him to another ward.
Maybe this is what is happening here?

 

[Rishile]

Forgive me, but I hope you are considering your father's situation in this. This is his wife and he will probably be going through a range of emotions that will be very difficult for him to deal with. I know this from experience. My husband was found having oral sex with a female resident at the Care Home and, to be honest, I'm not sure I could have coped with the emotions I experienced without the support of the amazing Manager there. In my husband's case, there was a window of one hour which really shocked me. I couldn't understand how two people could go to my husband's room and shut the door and be alone for up to an hour without somebody noticing.

My husband and the lady had both forgotten the incident within minutes and my husband was adamant that the lady was his wife (me). The Manager encouraged me to tell my husband what he had done and how I was feeling and also allowed me to be angry if that was what I wanted (I didn't get angry but it was good to know I could). He had soon forgotten our conversation but I felt much better for it and was able to forgive him.

The Care Home should now have safeguarding measures in place. My husband and the lady concerned both had 1to1 carers to keep them apart. My husband has now left that Care Home. It sounds as if the Care Home is being very casual with regards to your mother's incident and I would certainly be asking questions if I were you.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Carerin20s , My mother was always keen on the opposite sex, so slightly different to your mum. One of the reasons that I moved her into care was that she was going out drinking with much younger men (mum was in her 90s) and bringing at least one of them home. While in the care home she started up a sexual relationship with a younger resident, much to his wife's unhappiness, and also displayed interest in several of the other male residents. The manager talked to me about it, and we both agreed that mum didn't really have the capacity to make informed decisions and that moving her to a different floor would be in her best interests.
I hope your visit to your mum went well. Did you get a chance to talk to the manager and or senior carer about what happened and what they think will be for the best going forward?
In my mum's case the move to a different floor really helped, as mum settled much better. The fact the the senior carer was male also helped as he was very good at caring for her.