Selfish and verbal abuse
- Thread starter NP
- Start date
Hi @NP and welcome to Dementia Support Forum our friendly and helpful community of people who have experience of many aspects of dementia. I am sorry to hear about your wife. This is certainly an aspect of dementia that many of us are familiar with. The person with dementia begins to lose empathy for others, becomes completely wrapped up in themselves and takes this out on the person closest to them. It is very hard to deal with as saying that it is the dementia to blame doesn't stop it from happening.
If you search the term
Loss of Empathy
using the forum search box at the top of the screen you'll find many conversations about what you have described. They may help you to understand why your wife is acting as she is. How to deal with it is another matter.
If you search the term
Loss of Empathy
using the forum search box at the top of the screen you'll find many conversations about what you have described. They may help you to understand why your wife is acting as she is. How to deal with it is another matter.
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Hello @NP and welcome from me too this forum. You will find lots of shared experience of dementia here.
I am sorry to read about your wife's Alzheimer's, It's tough for sure and it can be totally consuming.
The link below may help you to find support in your local area.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
I am sorry to read about your wife's Alzheimer's, It's tough for sure and it can be totally consuming.
The link below may help you to find support in your local area.
Find support near you
Use our dementia directory to find local support services for people with dementia and their carers in England, Wales and Northern Ireland.
www.alzheimers.org.uk
people with dementia (of all sorts) lose empathy and are unable to see things from anybody elses view point. She is probably unaware that things need doing and you are the one that is doing it all. She may also be forgetting how to do things and that is why she has stopped doing them, yet in her own mind she is the one doing it all.
Im afraid there is little you can do and telling her that she isnt doing anything will just make her angry because she will be sure that she is and you are the one not doing anything. Can you get in a Home Help to give you more time?
I think how you handle this depends a lot on whether you can get out and about, leaving her at home on her own.
Verbal abuse at a carer is so common and it seems that they become the target because they are close at hand.
Firstly, are you getting any help with a bit of housework? Even a little bit would reduce the load.
The other thing is that while the abuse may seem to you to be a personal thing, it really isn’t. It’s a scream of anger that things are out of control and she has no way of getting that back so she takes it out on you.
Firstly, you have to learn to let this wash over you and realise that it’s not really personal. Call it whatever you like - thick skin, crocodile skin, doesn’t matter. Just say , ‘Yes, dear’ and don’t let her see that she is upsetting you. My husband would get very angry if I didn’t arrive home on time so I then never said any particular that I would get back. I would say that I might be home mid afternoon, after lunch etc which was very vague.
If your wife can be left alone for a time, then you can take the tough move. When she starts abusing you, walk out and leave her to it. This is what I did when the going got tough. I would go for a walk, ring a friend for a coffee, or maybe go and see a movie. You need to be consistent and do it every time.
My husband could be left alone for quite a time so I stayed away for quite a long time and he got the message very quickly. The abuse is a form of bullying which no one should have to accept.
And it seemed that as he realised that I wouldn’t let him bully me, things improved.
This may not work for you. We all have to find our own way through and I hope you manage to get some help.
Verbal abuse at a carer is so common and it seems that they become the target because they are close at hand.
Firstly, are you getting any help with a bit of housework? Even a little bit would reduce the load.
The other thing is that while the abuse may seem to you to be a personal thing, it really isn’t. It’s a scream of anger that things are out of control and she has no way of getting that back so she takes it out on you.
Firstly, you have to learn to let this wash over you and realise that it’s not really personal. Call it whatever you like - thick skin, crocodile skin, doesn’t matter. Just say , ‘Yes, dear’ and don’t let her see that she is upsetting you. My husband would get very angry if I didn’t arrive home on time so I then never said any particular that I would get back. I would say that I might be home mid afternoon, after lunch etc which was very vague.
If your wife can be left alone for a time, then you can take the tough move. When she starts abusing you, walk out and leave her to it. This is what I did when the going got tough. I would go for a walk, ring a friend for a coffee, or maybe go and see a movie. You need to be consistent and do it every time.
My husband could be left alone for quite a time so I stayed away for quite a long time and he got the message very quickly. The abuse is a form of bullying which no one should have to accept.
And it seemed that as he realised that I wouldn’t let him bully me, things improved.
This may not work for you. We all have to find our own way through and I hope you manage to get some help.
It's so difficult. You must try to take a breath and remember "ok it's the alzheimers not you that's behaving like that" I know it's so easy to say but really try not to take the behaviour personally. If you can walk away from the situation, count to 10, 20, 100 and go back. If you can't just get the thing done then walk away to breathe. This disease is so hard to deal with or to understand but your wife is struggling too. She might not know what's going on (and it's stressing her out causing her to be mean and rude )
I know it seems strange but when your wife behaves like this try to imagine she is a stranger that you have no choice but to get through the situation with..... Once it's done go away and take 5 mins for yourself. Hope you manage.
