Seeing uncle before cremation.

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by garfield3, Feb 27, 2019.

  1. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    151
    Dear fellow journeymen,

    Sitting here now I feel I want to see my uncle before cremation. I feel I have let him down. I was going to phone and speak to him on the Monday after I spoke to the nurse before he died. Like it happens, it was quick -3 weeks.

    Hubby thinks I am weird . It might be out of my hands if it is a closed coffin. I remember seeing my gran at home in the coffin in her bedroom. I was only 12yrs and it scared the **** out of me. I had flashbacks for a number of years. I don't want the same situation now.

    How do you decide if it is the right thing to do? I might bottle it on the day.

    Thanks.
     
  2. Sam Luvit

    Sam Luvit Registered User

    Oct 19, 2016
    5,484
    East Sussex
    Hi @garfield3

    I think it’s a personal choice. I wanted (needed) to see my dad, as I’d driven back home, leaving him “stable” in the hospital, but got the call the next day saying he’d died. I think I needed to know it was real. I also felt very guilty that I’d gone home, despite the doctors telling us he was fine

    I didn’t see mum again, but I was with her all day & night for the last 5 weeks. It wasn’t lack of guilt, but knowing it was real ... she really was gone

    It’s not scarey as an adult, but it’s very different to what I expected. With both parents, I felt I was looking at a shell, not the person I’d known my whole life.

    If you feel you need to see your uncle, then do. If you feel you should, then don’t. Do what feels right for you. There is no right or wrong thing to do, only what is right for you.
     
  3. garfield3

    garfield3 Registered User

    Jun 30, 2018
    151
    Thanks for your reply. I suppose only on the day I'll know for sure.much appreciated.
     
  4. hilaryd

    hilaryd Registered User

    May 28, 2017
    84
    It's a hard decision, and I think it's possible that whatever choice you make, you'll have mixed feelings afterwards. Many people say that their relatives look very different after death and prefer to remember them as they were. Like them, I didn't visit either of my parents in the chapel of rest, as I felt they wouldn't be the 'real' people any more, but with hindsight I do have some small regrets. I was quite young when my dad died very suddenly, and we weren't encouraged to see him at the chapel of rest, but now I feel that doing so might have helped me to accept that he'd died. I cared for mum through dementia, so in theory had more time to prepare for her death, but I sometimes think it would have been nice to hold her hand just one more time.
     

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