Scared and Apprehensive!!.

[denno_jo]

Hello Everyone..
I just want your views on what I am going to talk about..
My mam is the main carer for my step-father and she is wanting me to quit my job to help with his care.I will get something called a direct payment for my work so to speak. what is upsetting me is my mam saying 'I will be her employee'!!..this is something that I dont want!!.
I feel so worried I dont know what to do!!!!!!..My friends are saying me and mam will argue etc...
HELP any views will be greatly appreciated I am so distracted by this right now!!..xx
feel free to private message me also xx

 

[Wolfsgirl]

Don't think this is the best career move for you, whatever your job is! From the sounds of it, you would soon feel resentful (as I would) being referred to as your Mum's employee!!!

Suggest that as she wants to employ someone that she gets the best person for him with experience of such work? Do it from the angle that the right carer could be left to it and give her a break at the same time...

Hope someone more experienced will be able to help.

Hello Everyone..
I just want your views on what I am going to talk about..
My mam is the main carer for my step-father and she is wanting me to quit my job to help with his care.I will get something called a direct payment for my work so to speak. what is upsetting me is my mam saying 'I will be her employee'!!..this is something that I dont want!!.
I feel so worried I dont know what to do!!!!!!..My friends are saying me and mam will argue etc...
HELP any views will be greatly appreciated I am so distracted by this right now!!..xx
feel free to private message me also xx

 

[loveahug]

Some points to consider:

1 if your mum is your employer she will be responsible for deducting tax and NI and paying this to the Revenue, completing year end returns etc.
2 you will require a contract of employment and paid holidays plus the statutory xmas, easter etc.
3 you will also need a payslip each pay period showing the amount of tax and NI deducted from your wages
4 your employer is also required to ensure you receive the correct training for your job and ensure health and safety policies are in place
5 your employer is also required to ensure correct grievance and disciplinary procedures are in place

Is your mum prepared to do all of this, if not, then you are off the hook!

Hugs

 

[jeany123]

I think that you should keep your job as this doesn't sound very satisfactory to me, your mum saying she will be your employer is a bit worrying it would be better if she found someone else to do this for her , if you are not happy don't do it, you are not obliged to and I would think quitting your job would be the last thing you need to do,

Best wishes Jeany xx

 

[hollycat]

OH and I are early 50's, sold our house, gave up our jobs and moved in with my mum to care for her. We are OK financially.

My father had alz and died in 2000. My mum was his carer. OH and I were distant carers. We were not financially OK in 2000.

My mum never asked for help with dad and stubbornly battled on and nearly killed herself caring for him. Had mum asked, the only way we could have made it work would have been to receive some form of "financial compensation".

When your mum says you will be an employee, what EXACTLY does she mean ?

Do you still live with them ?

Does she mean financial compensation rather than pay ?

 

[denno_jo]

When mam says I will be her 'employee' she means I will work for her!..
No I dont live with them I have my own family to look after!!!.
The pay I will get is a direct payment from god knows who!!..
I am starting to feel resentful now so heavens knows how I will feel if I do care for him!!..

 

[sistermillicent]

.My friends are saying me and mam will argue etc...



I don't think it would be a good idea at all, neither do your friends and you don't want to either by the sound of it.

You haven't said anything positive at all about the idea of doing this - it seems to have come entirely from your mum.

Are you afraid to tell her you don't want to?

 

[hollycat]

When mam says I will be her 'employee' she means I will work for her!..
No I dont live with them I have my own family to look after!!!.
The pay I will get is a direct payment from god knows who!!..
I am starting to feel resentful now so heavens knows how I will feel if I do care for him!!..

From the tone of your reply, no way would I get involved.

However, it is very difficult to make such a sweeping statement without knowing the full situation, which of course you do !

Best of luck with whatever you decide

 

[hopeful56]

Hi Denno Jo

This link explains what Direct Payments are. In brief, this is money that cared-for person receives to pay directly for the care they need. So your step dad would be the person paying you the money so he would be your employer in effect - does your mum have PoA for him? If he has over £23K in savings or other assets (excluding the house) he is unlikely to get any help towards care anyway.

http://www.nhs.uk/CarersDirect/guide/practicalsupport/Pages/Directpayments.aspx

If you go down towards the bottom of the screen you will find other sections, one of which is "employing a family member".

Direct Payments won't pay mega-bucks of course. You could end up working virtually full time and received about £7 an hour or less.

This does not sound an ideal arrangement to me - I agree with other posters that you could say she needs to get a specialist carer and you are not that person.

Do let us know know this goes!

JJ

 

[ITBookworm]

I believe that one of the ways social services can provide help to someone who needs it is to provide "direct payments" where the council gives money to a carer who then 'employs' someone to help rather than the council employing someone and sending them round to help.

That might be what your mum means.

From anything I have read the amount that is provided is never massive and certainly not enough to replace a full time job.

 

[kingmidas1962]

The first thing that popped into my head (purely a gut feeling that I got immediately after reading your post) was NO - never in a million years. I'm really sorry if that sounds awfully harsh ...

Maybe for some it would be ideal - but for you personally the very fact that you have so many hesitancies about it, and that you are having to think about it so hard means that you wouldn't do it willingly - if its any comfort, neither would I (everyone can shoot me down if they like, but I wouldn't)

 

[garnuft]

'No, no, no, no, no, no NO.'

'Thanks but no thanks.'

'Rather have me lungs pulled out of me nostrils.'

These are varieties of the Theme.....

You hate the idea now,
I hate the idea on your behalf!

Don't do it girl, keep your job,
save your family and sanity.

Even Cinderella escaped.

Be your own fairy Godmother and just say NO!

Then help her to find the help she needs, no strings attached.

#dontturnintoapuppet

 

[Chemmy]

It's a 'don't even think about it' vote from me too.

 

[denno_jo]

To each and everyone of you that replied to this can I just say thank you for your replies and support!!..
I have told mother I aren't doing it at all and I am keeping me job!!..she's not happy but hey ho...
Let me tell you this she said this morning that 'I can't be her daughter after I clock off'..I was furious and have made my mind up not to do it!!..
Thanks all
J xx

 

[denno_jo]

can be her daughter I mean!!...

 

[kingmidas1962]

Without sounding too judgmental that comment spoke volumes about what it could've been like - a bit grim!

It's not impossible for her to employ anyone she likes using direct payments ... just not you

Well done xxx

 

[rajahh]

stick to your decision . NO NO NO

Jeannette

 

[stanleypj]

And it's a NO NO NO from me.

If she continues to put pressure on, tell her you're sure she will be able to find someone much better than you and only the best is good enough for your step-father.

 

[Onlyme]

And its another no from me too. What if he got really ill and was admitted to hospital? You would be without an income as payments would be stopped.

I am glad you have decided its not for you as is sounds like a minefield.

 

[Moonflower]

A big fat no thanks vote from me too. It could ruin your relationship with your mother, plus you would have absolutely no job security as your payments would end as soon as your stepfather went into hospital, a care home or whatever.

Maybe your mother knows she needs more help and employing you would be easier/less scary than finding a stranger to do it? Would it help if you offered to assist her with the process - working out how many hours the direct payments will fund, what she wants somebody to do in that time, perhaps advertising and interviewing?