1. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    I've really got the blues today. Some friends are having a birthday party, and we were not invited. I can't blame them, my husband is such a liability at social events now - dominating the conversation talking about himself, 50 years or more ago, and completely oblivious of the fact that he has not picked up on the topic everyone else was talking about, or that boredom is glazing the faces of those he is lecturing.
    Trouble is, I can hardly remember what he was like before. I know he was a good conversationalist, now I feel I am dying of loneliness and sheer boredom when at home, because there is no repartee, just banal comments about the cats, the weather, and the number of flies in the conservatory.
    I know it is the illness, and not his fault, but that does not stop it hurting when I come back from seeing my niece recently diagnosed with MS, and not a word is asked about how she is. Or I do a day's freelance work, and come home to find he has drunk a complete bottle or wine, which is denied. The fact that there are traces of wine in glass, empty bottle in recycling bins that were cleared by the binmen that morning, and one less in the wine rack are just pushed aside, with arguments followed by swearing.
    Our marriage was pretty ropey before this happened, so there is not the great fund of love others can call upon to grit teeth and carry on. He never maintained contact with his children from a previous marriage, so I can't call on them, although I have kept in touch with them and we have seen all four of them this year. Seeing a dotty father who can't remember your name once every 8 or so years does not warrant taking him off my hands for a week or so's respite, and in any case he would be unhappy in a strange place.
    Today I just don't feel I am the right person to be caring for him, but our home is the only place he wants to be, so I have no option but to carry on, resentfully.
  2. twink

    twink Registered User

    Oct 28, 2005
    Cambridgeshire UK
    Sorry to read your post Rosalind. I feel the same way about my husband. He's sat and cried for six days and it hasn't been nice to see at all and I have reassured him about everything I can reassure him about and today, the higher dose of Amitriptyline must have kicked in because he's quite happy again. His two daughters ring now and again or email and ask 'how is Dad' and don't visit. We do live approx 70 miles from them but I'm sure they could make the effort. One of them did say she would have him for a week so she is going to get a call from me this next week! It probably won't be convenient mind you. We were moving to be nearer the kids but that fell through a couple of weeks ago and now I just can't face starting again so we will stay here for a while longer.

  3. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    Dear Rosalind,
    Please don't feel sad and isolated, because there are many people on TP who are in a similar position to you. It doesn't sound as though you are going to have much of a social life with your husband as he is, but you could join local clubs or Adult Education Classes on your own and make new friends there. A lot of women are widows, divorced or single, so the absence of a man is not always a problem socially.
    My Mum is in a NH, and I think it is isolating having a relative with dementia, because people don't understand mental health problems, but it is good to talk with cyber friends here. It sounds as though your husband is in the early stages of the disease, if you are able to leave him. In a way, it was harder for me when Mum wasn't so obviously ill, because it is difficult to explain what they have said to upset you. At first my husband thought I was imagining things or being paranoid, until Mum got worse and he could see what I meant.
    A lot of help available needs to be organised through the GP, and he might put you in touch with Social Services. It all takes a long time, so it would be better to start now, rather than wait until you are desparate. If you are religious, your Church or other place of worship, may also offer some support. My Mum gets regular visits from our Church secretary and the Vicar from the local C.of E. Church, which she finds comforting. I think she particularly likes the Church Secratary's dog!
    Please feel free to send a PM to me if you to chat to some one.
    Take care,
    Best wishes from Kayla
  4. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    Kayla perhaps I was being a bit of a drama queen, as I am not particularly isolated, and do all sort of things on my own (although I worry how much longer that will be possible, unless he has more day care than he gets at the moment).
    I certainly don't have a problem doing things on my own, and have very deliberately set out to create my own circle of friends as an individual. I do received a reasonable amount of help, including one day's care in an emi unit, where he can also go for respite. He is actually booked in for a stay in September, when I am getting away for a week. And apart from anything else I am starting a business. The isolation and lonely feeling is more about us as a couple, I suppose (if we are still one), and the fact that I really don't much like the person he has become, yet spend an awful lot of time with him.
    Since starting the thread I have both cut lawn and strimmed, and a burst of activity does help depressing thoughts, I find, so to all of you out there feeling wretched, out with the Flymo!
  5. Bets

    Bets Registered User

    Aug 11, 2005
    South-East London, UK
    I couldn't agree more, Rosalind. I can still leave my husband alone, during the day, for a few hours, and have friends and interests that give me much-needed social contact and respite but I still spend 90% of the time with my husband and, as you say, this is a lonely and tedious existence. The companionship, the support and the friendship that we had for so many years (married 43 years on Wednesday) have gone and no amount of friends, interests, respite, day care, etc., can ever replace or make up for that.


    PS Agree, too, about the therapeutic value of activity - I call it distraction. Ironing works well for me, although I can hear a lot of other women groaning in disbelief!
  6. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Bets, I find ironing 'sucks' - scrubbing the bath tends to 'do it' for me!!!:)

    Rosalind, thank you for sharing what you have. 'Resentfulness' seems like a taboo, but musn't be - whoever we are caring for......

    I know 'social' gatherings are mostly off the agenda for mum.... most people have learnt now to use the fact they have stairs as an excuse not to invite and blame her mobility rather than her mental ability....

    A cousin (who has never bothered to ring and check how mum is) sent her wedding invitation with a note 'I know you won't be able to come but thought you might like to see the invitations anyway' - how cruel is that????

    Goddamn me if I don't feel the urge to get her to that damned wedding!!!!!

    Drama Queen? Good on 'yer! We need to be! Heroics now, Oscars later....

    Just sending a huge hug - such different circumstances but really do understand....

    Love, Karen (TF), x
  7. wendy43uk

    wendy43uk Registered User

    Dec 22, 2005
    so true

    hi every word u wrote is so true i felt like i wrote it we hear for each other its the boedom hear i cat handle wendy
  8. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    #8 Rosalind, Aug 6, 2006
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2006
    A query to Karen

    Off on a tangent, but where does the name 'Tender Face' come from? I have two very conflicting images, one of an ultra sympathetic expression, the other involving the aftermath of dentistry. Have been pondering on this for some time, and am curious (OK, I'm nosey) R

    PS don't suppose the cousin meant to be cruel - people can be thoughtless, and sometimes we have no idea how our actions are interpreted. And I speak as someone who obviously has deeply upset our local Parish Clerk, as I made a mild quip at her recently at a village do, and she completely exploded and stomped off, after saying to me 'I don't know how you get away with it.....' I can only assume I said something ages ago that she thought awful, and the recent remark tipped her over the edge. I apologised profusely, but she would not accept it, so I am completely at a loss as to why I am so dreadful, or what to say next time we meet in the post office.
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
  10. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Lol!!!:D :) :D :) Of me, or Tender Face, the name???:D ;) Had I had more foresight before registering I might have been better suited to 'Ms Maverick', or 'BolshieGit'..????:rolleyes:

    'Tender Face' is really 'mum' - and yes, my relationship with her has been much of superficial sympathy after the dentist's drill!!!! Ho, hum!

    'Tender Face' evolved from my first poem about dementia 'The Porridge Jug' - which was my first post here.... trying to look at 'mum's world' and the inanimate things around her who seemed to know more of her life than me......

    It just 'stuck' - but I kinda like it..... I have seen 'snarled', 'wide-eyed', feisty, independent anger in that face - long before dementia struck...... so sad, that only through her vulnerability now I see the tenderness I craved for so long.....

    She will never know it, but now and beyond I will look back with so much love for that 'Tender Face'....
  11. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    no ..... not groaning at all ........ just parcelling up a mountain of clean but crumpled clothes to send to London .......... remind me of your address :D
  12. DickG

    DickG Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    Oh Karen I cannot imagine you as feisty - my 1930s dictionary defines feisty as "flatulently malodourus"!!
  13. Tender Face

    Tender Face Account Closed

    Mar 14, 2006
    NW England
    Dick, either you need to improve your imagination or buy a new dictionary!!!!:p :D

    My 1970's 'Chambers' defines feisty as 'excitable, irritable and touchy' I guess that's about me in a nutshell :p :p

    Yes it also defines the etymology as Middle English Origin - 'fisten' ... but let's not go there....:rolleyes:

    Rosalind, any better today? Do hope so...

    Love from that malodorous flatulent thingamybobby! (Cheers, Dick - wanna know how long I can bear a grudge for???!!!:D )
  14. Rosalind

    Rosalind Registered User

    Jul 2, 2005
    Could Dick's dictionary be so old it has become unclear and he has confused 'eis' with 'ar'?

    Not a brilliant day. Took himself to hospital (nothing to do with his dementia) which took hours and frankly could have been done over the phone in 10 minutes, i.e. 'are the tablets giving you any side effects?' answer 'No', and a new prescription for more of them.

    He then went to shop with his Alz Support befriender to get some wood to mend garden table. I was out when they got back, later enquired if the purchases had been made, and if so did we owe Philip any money. This was answered by complete denial that he had been anywhere - angry and cross when I said I had seen him go. I know it must be hideous from where he is, not having the faintest recollection what he has done just an hour or so earlier, but this angry refusal to accept it when I say 'Yes, you and Philip went out just before I did,' followed by finding the wood in the shed is just so exhausting. So I get angry, and say things like Will you stop claiming that I am lying, which is obviously no help whatsoever.
    Still, he goes to day care tomorrow, so I have a much needed break, although I have about ten thousand things that need doing so it will not exactly be restful.
  15. mojofilter

    mojofilter Registered User

    May 10, 2006
    I know that one of out neighbours runs into her house when I take my mum into our garden... I know that it's because she can't handle seeing my mum the way she is now but I do sometimes get mad because of the "Social Leper" attitude that we get from some people...


  16. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    When my mum had a fall today, she told the men in the ambulance that she never falls down. I said I have to witness that she did. when she told the doctor that to in the hospital ,while doctor ask me what medication mum was on I mention memory tablets mum pop up with my memory there nothing wrong with my memory so doctors says to mum so do you remember how you fall ? then mum trun around and says yes lol


    That what happen with my mums friends when I see them down the street they always ask after mum when I mention that she love to see them pop around anytime they say yes but they never do .

    So now I just Cross the road when I see them If they want to know how mum is they know where we live
  17. mel

    mel Registered User

    Apr 30, 2006
    Oh yes....I find people's faces change when mum enters the room.....its like they become very uncomfortable and want to get out of the house as soon as possible!! God knows what they think she's going to do to them......I don't know about mum but I feel like a leper myself now.....people don't seem to pop round as often.......Hey ho....stuff 'em!!!!
  18. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    Hope she's recovered from that fall.

    Yes, I always had to fill in the details of falls etc. whenever my mother was questioned by doctors or nurses.

    And yes, all those people who say they'll pop round ... mind you when someone's died, once the funeral is over, I suppose I'll never see any of them again.



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