1. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    1st load of washing done and now in the tumble drier ( because it is raining again) 2nd load of all he has wet today now on and third load of whites still to do. Earlier I tried to spend a half hour outside sawing wood, popping in every five minutes to see if he was OK only to find that he had put the soaking wet dishes away in all the wrong places and broken a glass, was trying to pick it up in his soaking wet stocking feet and hide it and the next time he had wet himself and the bathroom rug again, hidden the wet clothes in the clean laundry basket, put on pyjama trousers and was sitting in my chair - why? because he had wet his own chair. Gave up the sawing, made lunch (sandwich, soup and a banana) found the banana skin down the side of my chair and half the soup poured into the sink blocking it. All this while wearing 'pull-ups' which remain bone dry because he doesn't pull them down when he goes to the toilet, just pushes them aside, pulls his willy out at the side and pees all down his trousers, and the floor. Sorry to be so graphic. We had to come hope early from Christmas Dinner and again from New year's dinner because he had an accident in the middle of the main course. No once a week day care because they have 3 Wednesdays off for holidays. We have not been apart at all for weeks now.

    Audiologist is coming tomorrow to see how he is getting on with his replacement Hearing Aids, (he totally lost the last pair) so I did his ear drops this morning, cleaned the aids & put them in and now they are missing again. Strangely when he has no hearing aids in, he whispers and I cannot hear what he is saying. I did manage to make out him saying that he hears better without them, which is true if he sticks them in without switching them on. I am geared up for supervising their insertion in the morning and removal at night, but he is forever taking them out and planking them wherever, everytime he shaves, combs his hair etc. or because they are 'annoying him'.

    We have just heard that a lovely old friend has died and he claims not to remember him at all. I am grieving but no chance of attending the funeral or sharing memories with OH. Also just heard that the Council run Respite Unit has been deemed substandard so no referrals for the foreseeable future. I had been amusing myself planning a break at beginning of February as I suffer from SAD, my depression is always worse this time of year. He decided it was night time when it got dark at 4.00pm and went off to bed in his vest and pants but has been back twice to see if I am OK and ask when I am coming to bed.

    I have gone beyond frustration, lost all hope, feel as flat as a pancake, haven't any mental or physical energy left to try and plan ahead. Just carry on like a zombie.
     
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    10,206
    Merseyside
    I’m so sorry to read about your friend @Wifenotcarer. It’s so hard not to be able to share memories.
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    59,576
    Female
    Dundee
    I’m so sorry to read your update @Wifenotcarer. It sounds as if you are really at the end of your tether and the closures over the holidays must just be adding to your cares.

    I wondered if it would help in the short term to talk to someone over the phone - just as a listening ear. The Samaritans provide an emotional listening service -

    https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

    CALL US
    Whatever you're going through, call us free any time, from any phone on 116 123.

    I think you also need to get a review of any needs assessment that has been done. Please phone social services tomorrow and tell them you are suffering from carer breakdown.

    Thinking of you.
     
  4. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    Thank you for your replies and your concern.

    I don't really want to talk to someone else. As a qualified Counsellor myself, I find that I cannot fully participate in a counselling session or similar without being distracted by the methodology and techniques being used. I started the thread to put down my own thoughts to help me sort out and understand how I feel. This has been successful in that on rereading the post this am I can see that this feeling of flat calm is probably protecting me from all the highs and lows, stress and anxiety of the past few months. I have had such difficulty sorting out AA, POA, respite, car and home Insurance, tax return and finances, alongside house repairs, etc. then Christmas & New Year that I am emotionally exhausted and need a period of mental hibernation (and sleep) to recover. I always find this time of year difficult and depressing but KNOW that as the longer days come in I will perk up again.
     
  5. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,524
    Female
    South coast
    If writing things down on here helps then carry on :)
     
  6. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,194
    I do understand, I'm a qualified counsellor too and find it feels far more real to talk to members on here. I so agree with what you are saying about the flat calm, I felt numb for such a long time with what I was going through as sole carer for my husband. I am so sorry about your friend. This time of year is difficult, I found the whole Christmas thing traumatic and disorientating. I think there is a possible danger that we accept more and more bizarre and generally appalling stuff and lose touch with life outside. This is where I find friends on here invaluable. We are going through a series of shocks and traumas. Every time I went out I would come home to find something ruined, damaged ... even if I was only away posting a letter. I became all but a prisoner and used to wonder when my release papers would come through. My husband is in a nursing home now, following an accident.
    with warmest wishes, Kindred.
     
  7. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    My calmness continues. As a bonus the more I remain calm, the calmer OH becomes. I am reminded of two of my colleagues who when I worked for Women's Aid, both said that the way to cope with adversity, stress, trauma was NOT to stand fast, stone wall and put up a brave front, but rather to roll with the blows, to sink right back like one of those wibbly wobbly toys who, when pushed, lean back as far as they can, pause and then slowly rock back and forward until they regain equilibrium. Although I have never suffered the abuse that they have, I have found that the technique works for me.
     
  8. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,524
    Female
    South coast
    Yes, I have found this too. Both mum (when she was alive), and now OH, seem to reflect my moods - if Im calm, upbeat and cheerful, so are/were they; but if Im having a bad stressful day it is/was the same with them.
     
  9. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,404
    I find the same, when I am laid back and calm Peace surrounds us even when things are going wrong.
    I feel I have stepped into a play, another reality, like an actor I play my part.
    My real me is intact, it is as if the all consuming play takes all my time and energy. But the core of me is still there.
    I suppose to you counsellors, my self worth is still intact.
    Of course, what disturbs the calm is the fickle audience that make demands,
    Does not bother to learn the language of the play. Sweeps in, watches, feels they could play the role better, then leave to go home having dropped their rubbish everywhere.
     
  10. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,194
    Oh yes about the audience! If only once, just once, one of the tick box visitors (social services, well being, I lost track) would say to me, this is tough, you are doing so well, can I make you a cup of tea ....
    Just a small kindness. I felt like an underperforming employee ...
    with love, Geraldinexxx
     
  11. tryingmybest

    tryingmybest Registered User

    May 22, 2015
    619
    Female
    I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and am sending virtual hugs to you. Just a thought, how about buying a SAD lamp? I don't suffer but my Mum who has severe dementia and lives with me, seems to, so I purchased a couple, one for the kitchen which I switch on when she's eating, and one in the lounge near her chair. I think it does help. I also have a friend who suffers and sits in front of one for half an hour in the morning whilst eating breakfast and reading the paper and claims it's made him feel a different person. May be worth checking out?
     
  12. maryjoan

    maryjoan Registered User

    Mar 25, 2017
    1,313
    Female
    South of the Border
    I do feel for you - your situation sounds almost untenable. I too have SAD but the other way round - I go into a decline when the lighter nights come and cannot abide the sun and heat!!!
    Good Luck to us all on here, we live lives that other people would not dream about in their worst nightmares.
     
  13. Spamar

    Spamar Registered User

    Oct 5, 2013
    6,969
    Suffolk
    I still remember the one time someone did something to help. A member of the local DIST ( dementia intensive support team) has come to see me and we sat outside in the sunshine to talk. Before long OH, who didn’t like me talking to anyone without him present, came out and said he wanted to go to the loo. My shoulders slumped, Why now? She said, it’s Ok, I’ll do it. And, bless her cotton socks she did. And made us all a coffee afterwards. He died a few months later, but she was the only person to do such a thing.
     
  14. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    I do have a SAD lamp and take vitamin D during the dark months. What works best though is if I can get a half hour outside in the sunshine (if any;)) That is why I collect wood from the hill behind our house and saw it up for the open fire. Most days when I do this OH will come out, tell me how I am doing it wrong and take over the sawing for a while. The truth is that I am now better and quicker than him (He spent his working life as a Carpenter/Joiner) but I let him take the credit for the pile of wood at the end of a session.
     
  15. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    Bad day yesterday, when everything I turned my hand to went wrong, culminating in a (minor) disaster at T.Time when I took the lovely casserole out of the oven, dropped it and half stayed in the dish, half went all over the kitchen floor. Hearing the clatter OH rushed into the kitchen, again in stocking feet and trampled the spilt meat, veg and gravy all over the place. He would not sit down and leave me to clear up - I got upset, he got upset. He eventually wandered off and returned with wet pants and trousers and his pad bone dry in his hand. Abandoned kitchen clean up and got him sorted out, wiped up in bathroom. settled him with a cup of T, padded out what was left of the casserole with more potatoes and made a hot pudding to compensate. served up at 7.30! Missed the soaps again, I have lost track of who killed who :) Miserable evening.
    Just heard that long awaited plumber is coming today - Hooray - and looking on the bright side - both bathroom and kitchen were thoroughly cleaned last night
     
  16. Wifenotcarer

    Wifenotcarer Registered User

    Mar 11, 2018
    244
    Central Scotland
    Wondering if there is a name for the level below Rock Bottom? Despair? Hell?
    The weekend was OK, flat calm prevailed until Sunday lunchtime, in spite of me scalding my thumb badly while taking a re-heated cup of tea from the microwave and then being unable to get the hand brake off in the car, totally stuck. However Daughter No 2 and Grandaughter No 1 came and picked us up for our lunch date with them at a local Farm Shop and Cafe. We had a lovely lunchand although it was very cold outside the sun was pouring in through the big windows with a lovely view of the hills. I did ask OH if he needed the toilet before we left the Cafe but got a vehement NO ! and so he wet himself, pants, trousers, vest and coat, as soon as we arrived way home. Did the same thing just as I served up Tea, washed him and dressed him again and then we had the same palaver just as I sat down to watch Call the Midwife. Put him into pyjamas then and so to bed but up again within the hour, stark naked, wet PJs hidden under a clean towel in the bathroom. This behaviour has continued all week, I have washed and tumble dried 3 loads of washing each day, including the bathroom mats, and the cloths I have used wiping up the bathroom floor and the dribbles all down the hall.

    Sense tells me that he is not doing this deliberately to annoy me and keep me busy, but on the other hand why is it that he can remain dry all day at daycare or when in someone else's house or a cafe? I insist on him wearing pull ups or pads but they invariably remain bone dry. When he goes to the toilet, he will not pull his pants and trousers down to his knees and use the bottle which sits on the toilet. Instead he tries to wiggle his penis out the leg of the pants and the urine goes everywhere. I am sure the whole house smells like a public toilet. Please someone tell me that this is just a phase and this too shall pass.
     
  17. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,848
    Female
    Scotland
    Everything passes eventually but what replaces it can be worse or just different. My husband is going through a “wet” phase just now during the night and I can’t seem to get my timing right for taking him to the toilet. The constant washing is a pain but automatic washing machines are a godsend. Our grandmothers must have benn ground down with it all.
     
  18. kindred

    kindred Registered User

    Apr 8, 2018
    2,194
    sweetheart, I am so sorry. There are two stages below rock bottom, carer breakdown and residential care. Please don't get to carer breakdown. I know that is easy to say, and I went to both those stages after the inevitable accident in the home and I am so sorry about your thumb. There is no sense to any of this but it is exhausting. Are you getting enough time to yourself, any time at all?
    with love, Kindred.
     
  19. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    10,524
    Female
    South coast
    Im so sorry.
    Recent changes are most easily forgotten, so he wont remember to use the bottle and he is using the pull up like Y-fronts
    Is it time to go with him and help him in the bathroom?
     
  20. AliceA

    AliceA Registered User

    May 27, 2016
    2,404
    So sorry, you must be exhausted. Of course it is not deliberate but perhaps at daycare or when out he uses all his effort then relaxes at home. Like children beautifully behaved at school but let of steam at home.
    You need help to cope with this this.
    You may get a reduction from the water company too if the excessive use is getting expensive. It is not statutory but some are sympathetic.
    Sometimes I wait until my husband to sleep then catch up with a programme on my iPad and earphones.
    Not ideal then what is.

    Take care, xxx
     

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