Right time to move nearer to family

[Gillian321]

Hi
My father has middle/late stage dementia but still enjoys walking into his local village to the pub or to see a friend and the familiarity of his surroundings. My mother his main carer finds it increasingly difficult to manage and has some heart problems herself.
We live 4 hours away and can only get to see them about once a month although we speak regularly.
We asked if they wanted to move next to us so we can support/care for them better. My mother welcomed this but my father, who will miss the community he knows, agreed with it but with some understandable regret. They suggested moving next Summer.
I would welcome people's advise - when is the 'right time' for them to move. How can we make this move as positive as possible. Any other advice would be very much welcome.
Thank you
Gillian

 

[Soobee]

Hello Gillian,

People with dementia find it harder in unfamiliar surroundings because some might struggle to retain the newer memories. If you can move your father sooner rather than later, it would be better for his orientation levels. Of course, a lot may change in the next 12 months so he may not be able to make or agree to this kind of decision then.

I am sure other people will provide their own experiences.

 

[DMac]

Hi
My father has middle/late stage dementia but still enjoys walking into his local village to the pub or to see a friend and the familiarity of his surroundings. My mother his main carer finds it increasingly difficult to manage and has some heart problems herself.
We live 4 hours away and can only get to see them about once a month although we speak regularly.
We asked if they wanted to move next to us so we can support/care for them better. My mother welcomed this but my father, who will miss the community he knows, agreed with it but with some understandable regret. They suggested moving next Summer.
I would welcome people's advise - when is the 'right time' for them to move. How can we make this move as positive as possible. Any other advice would be very much welcome.
Thank you
Gillian

Hi Gillian

When you say move 'next' to you, do you mean a granny annexe, or something similar that you already have available?

If this is the case, then why not give it a trial run for a defined period? That way, you may get a better insight into how they are coping.

If there is more upheaval involved with buying, selling, disposing of house contents etc., I would think seriously before putting your parents through this. There isn't a right time when dementia is in the mix. A common misconception is that downsizing, or moving closer to another relative or to an assisted living arrangement, alleviates the problems posed by dementia. It doesn't. As another poster has mentioned, it can even make things worse as the person has to learn new routines, which can be very difficult. Plus there are costs involved with stamp duty etc.

When you say you can support / care for them better, what level of care did you have in mind? Are you planning to give up work to look after them? You don't mention your own family situation, but if you have children, this could have a major impact on them as well as yourself and your partner. And with dementia, the demands will only increase over time, putting a strain on all your resources.

Have you considered having visiting carers for them? Provided your parents would accept this arrangement, carers can carry out a range of domestic tasks as well as personal care, which could help both of them, at least for the time being.

If that option is out of the question, then the time may have come to consider a care home for them. Some care homes will accept couples, so they don't necessarily have to be apart. This might seem drastic, but one single move may be better in the long run that 2 or more distressing and disruptive moves.

There is such a lot for you to consider here. I have probably posed more questions for you to think about than provided answers! Have a look at other threads on this forum to see how others have solved this issue. There are no easy answers, but I do urge you to think very carefully before making any decisions.

Good luck.

 

[Gillian321]

Hi Gillian

When you say move 'next' to you, do you mean a granny annexe, or something similar that you already have available?

If this is the case, then why not give it a trial run for a defined period? That way, you may get a better insight into how they are coping.

If there is more upheaval involved with buying, selling, disposing of house contents etc., I would think seriously before putting your parents through this. There isn't a right time when dementia is in the mix. A common misconception is that downsizing, or moving closer to another relative or to an assisted living arrangement, alleviates the problems posed by dementia. It doesn't. As another poster has mentioned, it can even make things worse as the person has to learn new routines, which can be very difficult. Plus there are costs involved with stamp duty etc.

When you say you can support / care for them better, what level of care did you have in mind? Are you planning to give up work to look after them? You don't mention your own family situation, but if you have children, this could have a major impact on them as well as yourself and your partner. And with dementia, the demands will only increase over time, putting a strain on all your resources.

Have you considered having visiting carers for them? Provided your parents would accept this arrangement, carers can carry out a range of domestic tasks as well as personal care, which could help both of them, at least for the time being.

If that option is out of the question, then the time may have come to consider a care home for them. Some care homes will accept couples, so they don't necessarily have to be apart. This might seem drastic, but one single move may be better in the long run that 2 or more distressing and disruptive moves.

There is such a lot for you to consider here. I have probably posed more questions for you to think about than provided answers! Have a look at other threads on this forum to see how others have solved this issue. There are no easy answers, but I do urge you to think very carefully before making any decisions.

Good luck.

Thank you Soobee and DMac
These points are both incredibly helpful. This would indeed involve buying and selling so a trial run may be difficult but you have given me more things to think through which will help in getting towards the best plan. Care at home has certainly been considered but my father is very reluctant to accept this from anyone other than close family. A joint care home arrangement doesn't seem quite right as my mother is far more able to live independently than my father at this time. I'll check the other posts as you suggest and work through your other suggestions - they certainly help getting us nearer to the best plan. Greatly appreciate your time in providing other aspects to consider and plan for.
Thank you again.