Right or wrong

[Ally191612]

Hi
Don’t know if I am posting this in the right forum
I posted a while ago about my dad being in denial and not taking my mum to the doctors well good news since then he has and she now waiting on a brain scan
All my mother now talks about is her parents especially her dad (they both been dead for over 20 years) every story conversation she has is about them, I have notice she is taking thing that have happend like family holidays occasions and telling the story but as it happens with her mum or dad not the people it did happen with (if you get my drift) like she was telling me about a time she had visited some where with my dad but was now saying it that she was there with her mum and dad, she is also saying things that never happend like she traveled the world with her dad, visited places she never been to or she been to a particular restaurant when she was younger but the particular restaurant wasn’t built
Now my question is do I let her tell me these stories as really it’s the only way to have a one on one conversation with her or do I tell her it’s not real didn’t happen, my sister will correct her saying no mum that never happened, you never went there ect, where I tend to just let her tell me the story as she wants, but am I wrong ? Should I not let her make up these stories and correct her
I find if I do she says no no it did happen like that or there just no conversation just me making small talk and her saying yes or no

Sorry for thinking post all so new to us
Sorry if its rambling hope you get the gist of what I am saying

 

[SAP]

There’s no point in correcting her, she won’t remember that it is wrong. She is telling you things and hopefully enjoying the conversation so why spoil it. Parents and spouses often get muddled and do siblings and children but they are all people who are loved. Times and places and sometimes film plots or to shows start to become part of a conversation. It is often said on here that you have to live in their world because they can’t live in ours.

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Ally191612 it's good to hear that your dad has been to the doctor's with your mum and she is now awaiting a brain scan. Hopefully there won't be too long a wait. You've already received some good advice above about not correcting your mum, and there may also be some techniques in the thread below which you and your sister will find helpful when communicating with your mum. Every person with dementia is different, so not everything suggested will work for everyone, but you may find something useful here:

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[canary]

With dementia you get false memories (called confabulations) which is where the subconscious brain is creating "memories" to fill in the gaps between their real memories. These confabulations are usually made up from bits of old memories, snippets of conversations, things seen on TV and a dollop of fantasy all mixed up together to try and make sense of the fragments left to them. These seem to the person with dementia to be indistinguishable from real memories, so if you try and tell them that they are wrong they will be upset or angry because they know that it's true, because they remember it....

If they are not upset by the confabulations it's best not to try and correct them. I got very good at just making neutral comments - well, well ... really? ... how lovely .... etc.

 

[PammieA]

Thank you so much Canary for explaining 'confabulations'
My mum has been doing this during our daily telephone conversations. I had heard the mixed old memories, her repeating what I'd said a few days before, but an over dramatised version (obviously the extra fantasy)
It's really helpful to know this becomes the norm for a PWD.

Because of this forum, advise and experiences of others I learnt early on to 'go with the flow of the conversation'
Never correct or challenge, use neutral comments.
Unfortunately my stepdad does not do this, and I feel he is triggering a lot of my mum's behaviour and angry outbursts.
I have tried to advise him, but he doesn't like being given advise. He lives with her and cares for her, he is having a tough time!

Thanks again for this great explanation 👍