Resents my phone calls
- Thread starter Wifey1
- Start date
As the disease progresses people with dementia become more and more reliant on their carer and want their carers attention all the time. Anything that takes their attention away (especially if it involves talking to other people) is resented.
Im afraid there is not much you can do about it. Just let it roll off you and dont try and restrict your social connections - you need them, even if your husband is no longer able to understand this.
Im afraid there is not much you can do about it. Just let it roll off you and dont try and restrict your social connections - you need them, even if your husband is no longer able to understand this.
Gosh this sounds familiar. I ended up messaging my friends, but stopped seeing them. I kept pointing out that I no longer saw anybody because he couldnt handle visitors anymore and then pointed out that I was allowed to keep in touch with my friends still. It was only when my man went into a care home that I realised how much I'd missed social contact. So, wise words, @canary. I didn't realise it was part of dementia. Good luck and thanks for sharing.
My husband is the same and often misinterprets the one side of the conversation he can hear and then keeps on about it and ends up not happy with me. Don't stop your conversations just explain to your friends that you need to keep your chats a little shorter than you might have under different circumstances. Perhaps take the call in another room so you are not aware of the rolling eyes! I agree it is probably because attention is taken away from them as it can also happen if someone pops in to talk to me about something.
Yes I will do that, keeping calls shorter is a good idea. Annoying but if it keeps the peace then it's us worth while.
mine was a bit like that/jealous or possessive even before he was diagnosed with alzheimer anyway. So, yes, I try not to be in the same room, or just not talking too long. Yes, I resent it, but opt for easier life rather than argue the case. Yes, I do not do as much socialising these days. Definitely no more inviting friends over. All these and more we do for our PWD. Has my lofe changed? You bet.
I have just been reading your other thread and apart from the hygiene issues, my husband sounds a lot like yours. I came to the conclusion that there was an element of bullying in this sort of behaviour and it used to get me frustrated and angry.
I cannot stand bullying and I dealt with it in my own way. I could recognise when he was genuinely concerned about something and when he was trying to push me around resulting in my taking certain steps to manage this. My husband was quite high functioning so I didn’t feel that mollycoddling him was going to resolve the situation as I believed he knew what he was doing. He may not have understood why he was doing these things but I certainly wasn’t prepared to put up with it.
If you think about some of the behaviour, it’s a bit like a child having a tantrum and so that’s how I proceeded to stop the issues. I didn’t treat him as if he was a child but I used strategies to manage the childish behaviour.
Things got a lot better though we still have an occasional hiccup. I agree that it takes two to have an argument and that was my starting point. My approach would be considered very different to most of the other carers on this forum but you have to do what works for you. Try all sorts of options and don’t be afraid to sometimes have your say, express truly how you feel.
After years of this sort of behaviour I have realised I need to look after myself. I know it is hard and I did feel guilty initially, but what the PWD doesn't know can't hurt them. I take phone calls in my bedroom, I meet friends out for coffee but can't have people back because my husband can be aggressive, plus we live in a small flat and it would be tricky. @Wifey1 , as hard as it is, you are entitled to your own life, to your own friends if you can find a way.
I agree with the others on here. My husband has always been possessive and jealous, the dementia initially just made it worse. I also get eavesdropping on my phone calls, eye rolling etc. However rather than giving in as I used to do I now tray very hard to simply ignore unacceptable behaviour like this. I do control how long I spend on phone, how often and for how long I visit my daughter and son but I still go/do and act as if I haven’t noticed his sulks, nasty remarks etc. I can’t control him ‘getting up to things ‘ e.g. up the step ladder, going out for a walk, the minute I go out. But I try not to let the worry get to me. And I refuse to take on board the blame if something happens -like he’s sat outside because he can’t unlock the door ….
Totally agree it is like childish tantrums and my instinct is to not bow down to that. What strategies did you use to manage this?
You accept that educating children is managing asendancy not managing decline as with AZ.
Whole different ball game, personally I find the comparison to childishness a bit offensive, children don't know how to behave necessary, AZ deprives you of what you already know, but can't remember.
One is managing ascendancy the other managing decline, many of the same problems but little in the same when it comes to solutions, just my view. K
If the same strategies work for a person with dementia having a tantrum as for children, I don’t have a problem with that. Hopefully the tantrum stages disappears in both. I did say that I didn’t treat OH like a child. I simply adapted the strategies to suit an adult who was behaving in a childish way.
A lot depends on how safe is it to leave your husband on his own for a time. If you can do this, then this might be a starting point, bearing in mind that what works for one person might not work for someone else.
Initially, it bugged me that if I said I would be home by twelve and was late, I would get an earful about where had I been and didn’t know he was getting worried etc. So I learnt very quickly to be very vague about where I was and what time I would be back. That seemed to slide into place without him even realising. I now tell him the things I am going to do (mostly unless I am going shopping!) but I am still vague about my return.
Then came the really hard bit. One day, when he started being a bully, I walked out and went for a walk along the beach. I returned after about an hour and he seemed a little unsure about what had happened. It took a while for him to realise that every time he started being argumentative, I walked out without a word. I stayed out longer each time, going shopping, or to a movie, a walk in the park or the beach. I was totally consistent and never stayed around or him to get abusive.
One day he had been particularly rude, so I walked out and called a friend to meet up for lunch. When I returned, he thought that he wasn’t going to tolerate this ’behaviour’ on my part so started getting really obnoxious. I had been in the house all of one minute when I walked out again.
He got the message eventually and now if he gets cranky, I tell him we are going to stop right now or I am out of here. I find that by doing that, I didn’t cop stuff and I was able to stop bottling things up. We still have our moments but they seem to be much less frequent.
Now, I don’t know if you can adapt that to suit you but I do know that I felt better by taking action to improve our situation which of course includes my own health and well being.
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Doing this at least gives you some agency in your relationship. We are losing our loved ones but we are also in danger of losing ourselves as we become subjugated to their whims.
And we have to do it while we can because the day is going to come when OH might not be able to be left alone at all.
Yes it would be nice to have a social life again. As things get worse I myself as a carer stop going out unless it is to have a quick shop, and I mean quick. Loosing interest in doing anything. I just sit and do my knitting most of the day, that is my only pleasure for now. Take 💔💔💔care of yourself as we all say to each other.
Yes indeed @Lawson58. My OH respects an appointment so I have a LOT of them. Some of them are just me and a quiet cup of coffee but it works for me and my sanity.
