I have seen what produces tensions for my wife, even within routine conversations. I try to avoid topics or even words that trigger distress for her. It produces a limited-variety day, but contains problems. I'll take a happy, predictable day for mutual calm.
Repetitive routine contains problems
- Thread starter Chris100
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Hi Chris
I totally agree. Routine, for me, is stability in a life of unpredictability. When something goes wrong-even the small stuff-my stress levels go up big time. My OH doesn't know what day of the week it is unless I say what happens on that day, every week.
I totally agree. Routine, for me, is stability in a life of unpredictability. When something goes wrong-even the small stuff-my stress levels go up big time. My OH doesn't know what day of the week it is unless I say what happens on that day, every week.
Regrettably I lack enough self-control when I am tired later in the day and sometimes make things worse. Must try harder!
Don’t you think, really, that you are tired because you have been working so hard, so hard that you should be able to forgive yourself if you lose the plot occasionally?
Frankly, I lose the plot quite often but I feel better doing it my way than bottling everything up. Been there and done that only to discover that I was quietly losing sight of myself, disappearing down the plug hole of insignificance.
I understand the value of routine but it can come at a cost if it rules your life.
Perhaps it might be better to delegate some of the stuff you are doing that makes you so tired in the evenings. Its impossible to contain your frustration when you are bone tired, however hard you try.
xx
Wonderful phrase, Lawton, “the plug hole of insignificance”! I often feel that we are not part of the real world. I have often read your posts and am amazed that your husband still plays bridge, a very complicated game which I have never grasped. My husband gets in a muddle with the tv remote control - finds channels I never knew and records all kinds of odd programmes by mistake.
You are right, Canary. I have been planning for months to get a cleaner but need the time to organise it. I have a bit of a block about having someone else in the house but it definitely is needed.
I think thats a common feeling - that we "aught" to be doing it ourselves and not have anyone else in the house, but thats madness. We are doing everything that we used to do, plus everything our OH used to do PLUS a whole lot more that never needed doing at all (like cleaning carpets and looking for "stolen" items)! So there really arnt enough hours in the day for one person to do it all
Oh dear I say every morning I must try harder not to shout in sheer exasperation at my husband. It lasts 15 mins if hes lucky. He now has less than a 2 minute attention span I tried to get him to do a jigsaw for 2 to 3 year olds he couldnt do it. A 4 peice chunky wooden jigsaw. I just wanted 5 mins where I wasn't constantly being asked the same question over and over ad infinitum. I did manage to get him into day care last week from 10am to 5pm one day a week £75.00 beleive me it is worth everypenny and more to give me a break. The down side of that is it was such a welcom relief I sat and stared into space just enjoying the silence for over an hour then felt guilt for not rushing round cleaning everything while I had the chance. I will try to be more productive this week
You needed that hour to wind down so make sure you take that “ time out” every week.
There is nothing wrong with sitting staring into space and enjoying the silence for a while - you almost certainly needed the relaxation. If hes going every week then incorporate a period of doing nothing. Go to a cafe, a park bench or any other nearby quiet spot and just watch the world go by for a while. The respite is for you as well so that you can recover, not for flying around like the proverbial blue-bummed fly trying to get things done!
OH might play bridge but he hasn’t been able to use a mobile phone for years and failed his driving test almost ten years ago. Apart from walking the old dog around the block, he never goes anywhere on his own. He can make himself a hot drink but spills half of it down the cupboard doors and drips it all the way down the hall. He can cook something in the microwave but leaves his plate and cutlery all over the dining table.
All too confusing to understand. Such a muddle of a human being.
I many times feel like I’m running a race. My husband desperately wants to help but I feel like I’m trying to do 2 things at once. When he helps I end up doing things at super high speed. An example is when cleaning up after dinner my husband will start washing the dishes. I’ll be trying to put away the leftovers but he’s taking the dishes with the food and putting them in the dishwasher. I have to go as fast as I can to catch him but at the same time I’m trying to put the leftovers away.
I like how you put it canary. I’m doing everything I would normally do but also everything he’s trying to do at the same time. It definitely can be exhausting.
It took several years but my mum has conditioned/trained me somewhat
she feels safe within her established routine although there is a little room for manoeuvre nowadays (albeit almost ten years on)! I'll take it anyways... if it makes mum happy I'm happy too She will occasionally surprise me but I reckon it's her way of just keeping me on my toes!
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Like most of you, we experience stress, tension and most of our days , walking on eggs.
My wife now goes to a day centre 4 days of the week. This gives me (sole carer) time to myself. Whoever, the tension starts when trying to get her change and get tea ready.
At the time I can’t see an end then a few minutes later I tell myself, get a grip man.
My wife now goes to a day centre 4 days of the week. This gives me (sole carer) time to myself. Whoever, the tension starts when trying to get her change and get tea ready.
At the time I can’t see an end then a few minutes later I tell myself, get a grip man.
HI Jac69 I am so pleased that i found your post I feel exactly the same as you. I tell myself not to lose my patience but when I have to repeat myself constantly, within a short period of time my patience goes. I feel so guilty. I see People on tv whose partners have Dementia and everything is lovely and they are so patient and understaning I just wish I was like that but I am not. Its such a lonely existence. I miss having a conversation because its almost impossible to converse anymore. I really fear for the future.
Ha! I doubt that is what it is like most of the time even for them
As for TV depictions of dementia, its pure fiction!
Welcome to a crowd of people who are honest and say what it is really like
xx
This is exactly me, after 20 times of watching a programme that is interrupted by can I have a biscuit, can I go upstairs, are we going out ….. I’m afraid I do shout and accuse him of being selfish which winds him but then literally one minute later, we start it all again. I’m the only loser!
Hi @Silversally , I too know that lack of self control when tired. I can lose my patience and OH mirrors my mood. Whilst I'm still trying to control the feelings I have managed to learn to walk off "kick the wall' count to ten before returning calmer.
I too must try harder, half way there!
