Removing husband from care home ?

Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
Hello
I might have asked this before but I am not sure
My husband is in a care home and has been since mid October
He hasn’t been officially diagnosed with dementia but he has got it
He certainly has delirium
I am not completely happy with the care home , for instance , it’s a battle to get him hoisted out of bed ( he has no mobility at the moment but has started private physio at the care home)
He gets fed up of being in bed and I can sympathise
I feel that if I don’t go and see him , he will be left in his room all day
I can’t go and see him every single day although I do go most days
He keeps saying he wants to go home , I try to explain to him that he can’t ‚yet‘ but he doesn’t seem to get it
I haven’t got LPA .
So my question is : can I remove him from the care home , take him back home and arrange for carers to come and help
At the moment, he is chc funded
I would be grateful for comments/advice/tips to handle this situation
Thank you
 
Last edited:

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,790
0
Midlands
If he is CHC funded- very hard to get- it suggests he's really quite poorly- realistically, how would you mange? Carers are all very well, but unless they are 24/7 ( unlikely) how will you rest/get any time for youself?
You cannot hoist on your own
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,590
0
N Ireland
Hello @Boutinette

Given my own personal experience I have to warn you to be careful.

My wife spent most of last year in various hospitals and residential care homes(even though it had been decided that nursing home care was required). Like you, I wasn't happy with what my wife had to endure so decided to ask for a best interests meeting and push to have her sent home to me.

My wife was discharged to me last November, with a care package that included 4 care calls a day and 2 respite sits a week. I knew that it would be tough but that the care package would help.

Agitation and aggression from my wife was what met the attempts of the carers to assist me. Indeed, it was so bad that I stopped the carers as their visits were making things worse, not better.

It is all down to me now(no support from family either) and I can't sugar coat how tough it is.

The only things that keep me going are the love for my wife and the knowledge that she is now receiving better care from me. I dread to think too deeply about the cost to me but luckily I've always been an optimist so hope I will survive.

Be very, very careful.
 
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Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
If he is CHC funded- very hard to get- it suggests he's really quite poorly- realistically, how would you mange? Carers are all very well, but unless they are 24/7 ( unlikely) how will you rest/get any time for youself?
You cannot hoist on your own
I know but he keeps asking me to take him home and I run out of things to say
I would have to make sure the carers are good I suppose
 

Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
Hello @Boutinette

Given my own personal experience I have to warn you to be careful.

My wife spent most of last year in various hospitals and residential care homes(even though it had been decided that nursing home care was required). Like you, I wasn't happy with what my wife had to endure so decided to ask for a best interests meeting and push to have her sent home to me.

My wife was discharged to me last November, with a care package that included 2 care calls a day and 2 respite sits a week. I knew that it would be tough but that the care package would help.

Agitation and aggression from my wife was what met the attempts of the carers to assist me. Indeed, it was so bad that I stopped the carers as their visits were making things worse, not better.

It is all down to me now(no support from family either) and I can't sugar coat how tough it is.

The only things that keep me going are the love for my wife and the knowledge that she is now receiving better care from me. I dread to think too deeply about the cost to me but luckily I've always been an optimist so hope I will survive.

Be very, very careful.
Thank you for your poignant reply
I am sorry you are finding it so tough
I know it’s a difficult decision to make and I am aware that I may not be able to cope at home either
I suppose I tell myself that , if it didn’t work , I could have him taken back into the care home system
What do you think ?
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,344
0
Nottinghamshire
@Boutinette , I think if you did take your husband home not only would you be finding it hard to cope, if he has chc that suggests lots of needs, I doubt he’d be any happier. In fact he’ll probably still be asking to go home as ‘home’ is a state of mind rather than a physical place.
To set your mind at rest make an appointment with the care home manager and talk all of this through,
 

Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
@Boutinette , I think if you did take your husband home not only would you be finding it hard to cope, if he has chc that suggests lots of needs, I doubt he’d be any happier. In fact he’ll probably still be asking to go home as ‘home’ is a state of mind rather than a physical place.
To set your mind at rest make an appointment with the care home manager and talk all of this through,
Thank you , will do but she’s not very easy to talk to
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
288
0
I know but he keeps asking me to take him home
Are you certain that you know what ‘home’ he means? For many folks with dementia, the term is a kind of metaphor. They want to go back to a place - and time - before the dementia, where they weren’t confused and they felt safe. For many, ‘home’ means somewhere they lived as a child.

You run the risk of taking him back to your current home, then finding it’s not what he wants. That would make life unbearable for you both.

It may be better to just constantly reply with an optimistic delaying strategy - We have to wait for the doctors to give you the all-clear… you just need to do your exercises so you’re more mobile first… as soon as the new bathroom is ready to be used etc.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,590
0
N Ireland
Thank you for your poignant reply
I am sorry you are finding it so tough
I know it’s a difficult decision to make and I am aware that I may not be able to cope at home either
I suppose I tell myself that , if it didn’t work , I could have him taken back into the care home system
What do you think ?
I suppose that would be possible - if a place was available!

I was warned that if I cancelled the carer calls I might not be able to get them back(I had 4 calls a day, not the 2 that I stated earlier). That's how broken the system is in my region but you may have better services in your area - it's a question to ask your local Social Services.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
5,790
0
Midlands
Carers can be good without being able to meet your husbands needs, again one carer couldnt mange 24 hours, so you would need a group of carers- which via an agency may not even be the same people every day. Eery carer does a task slightly differently whilst following the care plan, which can lead to difficulties.
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,535
0
Dorset
Who do you expect to provide the hospital bed, hoist and everything that goes with them, along with the staff /carers to do the hoisting? Do you have the room in your home to cater for all this equipment? Have you really thought through the logistics of this idea? If the care home doesn’t have the staff to cater for his apparently high level of care how are you going to manage?
I think you really need to give this idea a lot more consideration.
 

Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
Who do you expect to provide the hospital bed, hoist and everything that goes with them, along with the staff /carers to do the hoisting? Do you have the room in your home to cater for all this equipment? Have you really thought through the logistics of this idea? If the care home doesn’t have the staff to cater for his apparently high level of care how are you going to manage?
I think you really need to give this idea a lot more consideration.
Yes I know it would be difficult but nobody is advising me on how to deal with his constant demands of me taking him home
What would you do ?
 

Boutinette

Registered User
Nov 15, 2023
34
0
Carers can be good without being able to meet your husbands needs, again one carer couldnt mange 24 hours, so you would need a group of carers- which via an agency may not even be the same people every day. Eery carer does a task slightly differently whilst following the care plan, which can lead to difficulties.
Can’t I appoint the carers I want through a private care company ?
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
5,535
0
Dorset
Yes I know it would be difficult but nobody is advising me on how to deal with his constant demands of me taking him home
What would you do ?
You deflect them however you can. It will a lot harder mentally and physically to cope with him at home 24 hours a day than to put up with his requests to come home while you are visiting and can walk away after a few hours!
What will you do if you get him home and the carers don’t turn up or don’t come at the time expected? They could be inexperienced and not capable of using a hoist. What will you do when once hoisted out of bed your husband needs changing or wants to go back to bed and carers aren’t due for another couple of hours?
I think the pressure you currently feel because of his constant requests to “go home” is minimal compared to caring for him at home. He isn’t getting CHC funding for nothing!
 

Dunroamin

Registered User
May 5, 2019
447
0
UK
I think @Banjomansmate gives a sound reality check. Even private carers are thin on the ground, may not always be and be to be on time or even provide cover at some times. They may not all be conversant with hoists. Try visiting less often and also ask the staff what he is like when you are not around.

As stated upthread, the fact he has CHC funding suggests there are multiple aspects of care to consider. At the end of the day it is what your husband NEEDS not what he WANTS.
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
12,004
0
Essex
Hello
I might have asked this before but I am not sure
My husband is in a care home and has been since mid October
He hasn’t been officially diagnosed with dementia but he has got it
He certainly has delirium
I am not completely happy with the care home , for instance , it’s a battle to get him hoisted out of bed ( he has no mobility at the moment but has started private physio at the care home)
He gets fed up of being in bed and I can sympathise
I feel that if I don’t go and see him , he will be left in his room all day
I can’t go and see him every single day although I do go most days
He keeps saying he wants to go home , I try to explain to him that he can’t ‚yet‘ but he doesn’t seem to get it
I haven’t got LPA .
So my question is : can I remove him from the care home , take him back home and arrange for carers to come and help
At the moment, he is chc funded
I would be grateful for comments/advice/tips to handle this situation
Thank you
I would think very carefully about because if he so ill that he needs CHC they may take it away if he is taken out of the care home. I could be wrong but I don't want you to make a mistake.

MaNaAk
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,871
0
Yes I know it would be difficult but nobody is advising me on how to deal with his constant demands of me taking him home
What would you do ?
Your answers to this question could be as follows:
When the doctor says you're better
When the house is decorated
When the boiler gets fixed
When you've fully recuperated
When I've sorted out a hospital bed
Keep deflecting and repeating I'm afraid you have to learn to lie . It will be easier in the long term to say the above than having him at home. I'm sure that's not what you want to hear. There comes a point where the person with dementia's needs become so great that they outweigh what they or family members want to happen. You have now reached that point
 

MaNaAk

Registered User
Jun 19, 2016
12,004
0
Essex
Yes I know it would be difficult but nobody is advising me on how to deal with his constant demands of me taking him home
What would you do ?
Dad wanted to go home as well but in reality this was not possible and also he was actually happy in the care home.

MaNaAk
 

Collywobbles

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
288
0
Yes I know it would be difficult but nobody is advising me on how to deal with his constant demands of me taking him home
What would you do ?
As advised above, keep telling ‘love lies’, deflect, change the subject.

As might be expected this is very common amongst folks with dementia. Who wouldn’t want to go back to more familiar surroundings, or - more likely - a time and place in the past which was less frightening and confusing.

But the reality is that his needs have outstripped his wants, which if you step back, you will see that you really couldn’t meet at home, even with a team of carers.

I do feel for you, as do others here. It’s a terribly upsetting situation but not unusual and you’re not alone in your feelings. My family went through it with my Mum when she was temporarily in hospital, and only ten days of her demands to come home, brought my father to his knees. The rest of us found it easier to rationalise, as she needed to be in hospital for investigations into a suspected heart attack, but it broke my poor Dad’s heart. We do understand what you’re facing and how upsetting it is.
 
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Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
3,523
0
Can’t I appoint the carers I want through a private care company ?
I just had to reply after following this thread for a while. In my experience even if you go through a private care company you will have a variety of different staff as staff have days off, holidays, sickness. Most care even provided by ASC is via these private care companies so hiring via a private agency directly or via ASC there’s no difference.
I really do worry that about your health physically and mentally if you bring him home.
another thing is if things don’t work out and he can’t go back to the same home it would starting over again, finding somewhere to accept him, settling in, you getting to know the home and staff.
I'm sorry if this sounds all negative but…….
 

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