refusal to joiun in

[malcolmpr]

I must admit when I found out 3 weeks ago that my wife had alzheimers I broke down . I am over the crying now and am determined to care for her as long as I am able.
I would like her to join the local alzheimers society but she will not go and says "I do not want to see what I may end up like"
Does any other carer have this problem

 

[jaymor]

Hi and welcome,

We were asked to join the Al's café group that is run by the Carer's Association. It was a monthly get together for carers with lunch, talks, information and entertainment. Because so many carers can't leaved their cared for, sufferers were also welcome.

It took me some time to decide to go because I was fearful of how my husband would react seeing those further along the road. I should not have worried, it was very difficult to distinguish who was the carer and who was the caree. We both enjoyed the monthly get togethers and I now attend on my own as my husband is now in nursing care. Lots of information and support on offer and lots of practical help available and the bonus is being around others who understand and accept you with a smile and hello.

Would it be possible for you to go along on your own and see for yourself as you know your wife best and will know what she will accept.

Jay

 

[60's child]

Hi Malcompr
My Mum has alzheimers and did not want to go to the memory cafe for the same reasons as your wife. I left it for a while and when I suggested it again she agreed to give it a go. She now really looks forward to it and as Jaymor says it is often difficult to tell who has the dementia...
If your wife has only recently found it she may still be struggling to come to terms with her diagnosis and therefore not feel up to it yet. There is no reason for you not to go on your own though, if you feel it would give you some support. There will be people to talk to and it may reassure your wife if you have "checked it out" already.
Good luck and welcome to the forum. It is very supportive.

 

[hollycat]

My OH and I are live in carers for my mum.

The only method that we use whereby we can get mum to do something she doesn't want to do is choose something that she loves....in mums case......food.

So long as what we want mum to do involves food, no problem, she goes.

This is how we finally managed to get mum to day centre. We have briefed all the staff accordingly and they appreciated our input and honesty. When, for example, they play cards and mum doesn't want to, so long as they mention food at the end of cards, mum will play cards.

Hope this helps

P.S. we also briefed them to cheat at cards and make sure mum wins at least once, because if she doesn't win, she comes home really moody.

 

[di65]

I am taking my husband to our first meeting at the Alzheimers Society tomorrow. I am looking forward to meeting other carers,but my husband is rather reticent about the whole idea. He says 'I don't want to get involved with that sort of thing' and when I say that we would be going for me (shifting focus) he snorts that there isn't anything wrong with me. I am not going to take no for an answer, just tell him 'OK - time to go to that meeting you were coming to with me'. His father had Alzheimers so he knows what is ahead of him already, but he rarely mentions it. Our meeting is to have a speaker on POA's and a cuppa and chat with an afternoon tea. We already have our POA's in place, but the company should be good

 

[zeeeb]

I would suggest to go on your own, you may find some support or a friend for yourself, and remember, it's not all about the alzheimer's sufferer, you need to look after yourself and find some supports for yourself as well. It might fell like it's no longer about you, but you do have to make time for you as well, that is very important in the big picture.

 

[1954]

My MIL would never ever have agreed to go so what I did was just say we are going out. Turned up and she said 'they are all fogies here' to which I ignored. She then proceeded to join in with everything they did and laughed and talked to others. So I would say just go

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Malcolm

My husband only went once to the relative`s support group and spent the time looking out of the window, refusing to join in or even make eye contact with anyone.

I decided, as long as he was fit to be left alone I would go by myself, because I needed contact with other carers and enjoyed it.

I went once a month for a couple of years and each time asked my husband if he would come with me. He always said he would but backed out at the last minute.

I continued to go by myself until I felt it wasn`t good for him to be by himself , and then I stopped going.

 

[MReader]

My husband does not admit that there is anything wrong with him at all except that he is a bit absent minded!!!
I took him to our local Synergy (Alzheimer's) Café but he hated it as he didn't see why we needed to go to anywhere where people were ill (not put quite a kindly as that, I have to say!!!) and although the company was great & the food good and there was a lot of support for both of us, it made him so cross, so we stopped going after a few times.
He now goes to day care twice as week and tells them there and me that he shouldn't be there as there is nothing wrong with him - we just ignore and distract him now, which seems to work. It also has become part of his routine that he goes.
I would suggest that you go together & see what happens - things change from day to day with dementia so she may enjoy the company - you don't know until you try

 

[malcolmpr]

I am taking my husband to our first meeting at the Alzheimers Society tomorrow. I am looking forward to meeting other carers,but my husband is rather reticent about the whole idea. He says 'I don't want to get involved with that sort of thing' and when I say that we would be going for me (shifting focus) he snorts that there isn't anything wrong with me. I am not going to take no for an answer, just tell him 'OK - time to go to that meeting you were coming to with me'. His father had Alzheimers so he knows what is ahead of him already, but he rarely mentions it. Our meeting is to have a speaker on POA's and a cuppa and chat with an afternoon tea. We already have our POA's in place, but the company should be good

Hope it goes well I will keep trying with my wife the problem is like other sufferers she is in denial.
I am quite happy with that as we nursed her father who had alzheimers and while ever she wants to think that she has only memory loss its ok by me

 

[Margaret938]

Hello Malcolm
Welcome to TP, you are amongst friends here, and will get lots of advice. I can see by the replies you have already received, that we all have the same problem as you and your wife. Reluctance to join in groups where you may get an insight into the future. Unfortunately my darling husband is now in a Care Home, a very nice one, I might add.
I was in complete denial when George was diagnosed, and we did not join any of the local groups, when we eventually did, we enjoyed them so much and made so many friends, It was difficult to tell who had dementia at the groups. I was of the opinion that everyone would look at us and point the finger, as if this illness was something to be ashamed of, I learned a lot from these groups and realised that there was lots of help out there, help which we so desperately needed. Don't be afraid to take the first steps, I wish I had done it long before I did. George loved the company.
Take care,
Love Margaret x

 

[malcolmpr]

Thanks Margaret
I am going to try l all the suggestions from carers to get her to attend meetings and I know she will enjoy them if i can get her there.
She loves singing and the A S run a group called singing for the brain and I checked it out but the song they were singing was "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands" I dont want to decry this activity but it is not the sort of singing I want for her yet
Malcolm x


OTE=Margaret938;796896]Hello Malcolm
Welcome to TP, you are amongst friends here, and will get lots of advice. I can see by the replies you have already received, that we all have the same problem as you and your wife. Reluctance to join in groups where you may get an insight into the future. Unfortunately my darling husband is now in a Care Home, a very nice one, I might add.
I was in complete denial when George was diagnosed, and we did not join any of the local groups, when we eventually did, we enjoyed them so much and made so many friends, It was difficult to tell who had dementia at the groups. I was of the opinion that everyone would look at us and point the finger, as if this illness was something to be ashamed of, I learned a lot from these groups and realised that there was lots of help out there, help which we so desperately needed. Don't be afraid to take the first steps, I wish I had done it long before I did. George loved the company.
Take care,
Love Margaret x[/QUOTE]