Hello,
I'm so pleased to have found this site and only wish I had done so ages ago.
Having read many of the posts here, I feel there is such a fantastic support network for advice and guidance from everyone.
My mother who is now 74, was diagnosed with dementia around 3 years ago and my father (76) is now her carer. As they live in the Isle of Man, my sister and I can't help them as much as we'd like, due to distance (and extortionate travel fares to get there!) We do call most evenings to provide some verbal support and see them as often as we are able.
Mum is not yet in the later stages but as Dad is now her carer and has taken over most of her roles in the house, we have discussed the importance that he receive some respite - even albeit for a few hours a week. He is in good health but we worry that it will be eventually be affected by the pressures of looking after Mum.
They have been visited by a nurse on a couple of occasions and though Mum, in his presence, was very accommodating and said she was happy to go to the day care centre, when she did so, she decided at some point before Dad had arrived to collect her, that she wanted to go home. She was told she couldn't and was not too pleased to be told this. She wasn't openly rude as she's always been a very caring and sensitive person, though her moods with this condition, as I'm sure you are familiar with, are ever changing. It was when Dad collected her that she gave him a real ear bashing and she has refused to go again ever since. He thus finds the idea of pursuing another visit a very worrying one with the stress it involves (with them both) in arranging it.
Mum did say to me the evening of the day she had been at the centre that she had really enjoyed helping the people there - helping to feed them, talking to them and giving the nurses a hand but it was being told she couldn't go home which made her feel angry.
She used to be a nurse and I thought that by gently mentioning her nursing background and saying the nurses would have been very pleased to have had her there to help, it may have coaxed her into returning there again. We haven't pushed this line of pursuation any further as Dad is sure she will refuse once a date is set.
My aunties and uncles often arrange to take Mum out in order to give Dad a break. At the time of arranging it, she is openly happy to go but when the date arrives, she will refuse point blank to go and Dad feels hugely embarrassed by having to call them to say it's off. I have said that as they are aware of her condition, they will understand and indeed they do but it still causes great concern for Dad.
I'm sure that you will be all too familiar with this and wondered whether any of you had any advice to offer as to how we can persuade Mum to go to the day care centre without causing too much grief all round. We, of course, feel very guilty by having to even consider this but my worry is for Dad especially, as he so needs to have a little time to himself. Mum is scared that it will mean, "being put away", as he has said on occasion, once these visits begin. It must be so very frightening for her. It is also so awful that we have this dreadful dilemma to deal with.
Is there any way we can get her to go of her own free will without having to force her, which none of us want at all?
Thanks for reading,
Jann
I'm so pleased to have found this site and only wish I had done so ages ago.
Having read many of the posts here, I feel there is such a fantastic support network for advice and guidance from everyone.
My mother who is now 74, was diagnosed with dementia around 3 years ago and my father (76) is now her carer. As they live in the Isle of Man, my sister and I can't help them as much as we'd like, due to distance (and extortionate travel fares to get there!) We do call most evenings to provide some verbal support and see them as often as we are able.
Mum is not yet in the later stages but as Dad is now her carer and has taken over most of her roles in the house, we have discussed the importance that he receive some respite - even albeit for a few hours a week. He is in good health but we worry that it will be eventually be affected by the pressures of looking after Mum.
They have been visited by a nurse on a couple of occasions and though Mum, in his presence, was very accommodating and said she was happy to go to the day care centre, when she did so, she decided at some point before Dad had arrived to collect her, that she wanted to go home. She was told she couldn't and was not too pleased to be told this. She wasn't openly rude as she's always been a very caring and sensitive person, though her moods with this condition, as I'm sure you are familiar with, are ever changing. It was when Dad collected her that she gave him a real ear bashing and she has refused to go again ever since. He thus finds the idea of pursuing another visit a very worrying one with the stress it involves (with them both) in arranging it.
Mum did say to me the evening of the day she had been at the centre that she had really enjoyed helping the people there - helping to feed them, talking to them and giving the nurses a hand but it was being told she couldn't go home which made her feel angry.
She used to be a nurse and I thought that by gently mentioning her nursing background and saying the nurses would have been very pleased to have had her there to help, it may have coaxed her into returning there again. We haven't pushed this line of pursuation any further as Dad is sure she will refuse once a date is set.
My aunties and uncles often arrange to take Mum out in order to give Dad a break. At the time of arranging it, she is openly happy to go but when the date arrives, she will refuse point blank to go and Dad feels hugely embarrassed by having to call them to say it's off. I have said that as they are aware of her condition, they will understand and indeed they do but it still causes great concern for Dad.
I'm sure that you will be all too familiar with this and wondered whether any of you had any advice to offer as to how we can persuade Mum to go to the day care centre without causing too much grief all round. We, of course, feel very guilty by having to even consider this but my worry is for Dad especially, as he so needs to have a little time to himself. Mum is scared that it will mean, "being put away", as he has said on occasion, once these visits begin. It must be so very frightening for her. It is also so awful that we have this dreadful dilemma to deal with.
Is there any way we can get her to go of her own free will without having to force her, which none of us want at all?
Thanks for reading,
Jann