Really Struggling now

[desperado]

Mum is now 92 (nearly93) and she has come out of hospital after breaking her hip. Since she has come home she keeps asking (every 1/2 hour) where my father is. (He died 4 years ago). I have told her over 100 times now that he is dead but she can't get it into her head and thinks it's becaue she went into hospital and is convinced he was at home when she went. She has reablement care 8am 12pm and 4pm but they come and go very quickly. I am working full time and she keeps phoning me at work crying and screaming that she wants me at home, I don't care about her, I'm cruel etc etc etc. I have spoken to the Dr, memory clinic, social services everyone I can think of and just don't know where toturn. My job is on the line as I keep cryng at work and having to go home and "it's affecting the team!!" Got another meeting this morning with bosses to ascertain what's happening with mum but I don't know myself !!! It's a nightmare. she has deteriorated so much in the last couple of weeks I don't know what to do. I have always promised Mum i wouldn't let her go in a home. Have looked at private care at home whilst I'm working (£14.99 per hour) so that would be impossible to afford long term. I can't affiord to give up work as I pay the bills and my debts !!
She flatly refuses to go to day care centre. Neighbours getting fed up as I have to call them to sit with mum till I get home if she calls me in a panic. Anyone out there who can give me some advice ?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello desperado

I`m afraid you have made a promise it is impossible to keep. If you have to work, your mother is a vulnerable adult spending too many hours alone and so is at risk.
You cannot rely on the goodwill of neighbours indefinitely. A painful decision needs to be made.
I`m sure if you contact Social Services they will help you .

 

[sussexsue]

Hi

By the sound of your thread your mum can no longer be left alone. She has been in hospital with people all around her, and if it was only 4 years since your Dad died I am sure she does think he is still around.

I think it is time to get SS more involved. If you mum needs more care during the day it should not be at your expense. Financially she is not your responsibility. If she has money of her own to pay for her care it should come from that or state funded.

Do you want to give up work to look after her ? Do you want to/can you afford to live on benefits. These are questions that you have to ask yourself.

Someone else mentioned on another thread that their SW spoke to mum/dad? and made it very clear what the implications were if the person didnt go to Day Care. Promising someone they wont go into Care is easy when that person is well or in the early stages of an illness. We should never feel a failure if we cannot keep that promise.

You certainly sound at breaking point and may be it is time to investigate full time care or I think your own health is going to seriously suffer.

Hope you manage to get something sorted.

Sue

 

[nicoise]

Hi Desperardo,

I echo what SussexSue says - you may have made a promise to your Mum based on the circumstances at the time, but now the situation is very different.

I am sure you are a person who likes to keep your word and commitments, but the truth is now that residential care may be the only way to keep your mum safe. And I'm sure that her wellbeing is what you really value most - and sometimes residential care is the only way to ensure that.

Keep in touch with us xxx

 

[mistyhollows]

Hi desparado, my heart goes out to you right now with the decisions you have to make. My dad never wanted to go into care and in the end it was the only way he could get the full time care he needed.

You also need to consider yourself and your job and the fact that you still need to pay the bills. Your neighbours have been very generous with their time but they will also be only able to do so much. I hope you are able to make the right decision for yourself and your mum as painful as it might be for both of you.

 

[BeckyJan]

I agree with others about promises that sadly cannot be kept when dementia becomes impossible to control.

Is there any chance the SW and/or the Mental Health Team (? CPN) would consider taking your Mother in for assessment, its usually around 6 weeks. During that time her behaviour could be monitored and medication considered. The benefit for you is she would become accustomed to not being at home and give you chance to think. Then you may, if necessary, be able to consider permanent residential care.

With my husband I told him the assessment was to review his medication and when he went to the NH we told him it was for convalescence. I never let him think he would never come home again. Yes, my promise to both him and me was broken but it was necessary.

You will have to be persistent with the SW but it is important they know how worn down you are. Insist that your job is important and your Mother is at risk and vulnerable left alone.

Let us know how things go. Best wishes

 

[benny]

Oh Desperado How I feel for you I'm right there in exactly the same spot except mum in hospital being monitered and they trying to organise a CH for some respite, and I'm dreading them telling her but also the thought of telling my dad cause he thinks she is fine on the new meds and doesnt think he needs any break now, it's just so harrowing even thinking about it. So I cant say much to help, except tgat you are doing a wonderful job, but you have to look after you too! good luck Cheers Robyn

 

[FiveWords]

With regard to your problems at work, it sounds like your bosses are being extremely unreasonable and putting extra pressure on you, and this isn't helping you look after your mum. Maybe if you could sort something out with work, it would take off a lot the pressure you are under. Have you considered taking a period of compassionate leave, or even sick leave, to give you some breathing space for a while? It sounds like you would benefit from it. I don't know what others think about this, but I would definitely be considering getting a doctor's note for stress and taking time off if this was me.

When you have this meeting with your bosses, I would tell them in no uncertain terms that they are putting you under even more pressure than you already were, and that if it doesn't change you may have to go on long term sick leave. They can't lay you off for this - if they try, threaten to sue for constructive dismissal, as their behaviour is contributing to your (as they see it) inability to work effectively. Telling you that your personal tragedy is "affecting the team" has got to be about the most heartless thing I've ever heard, and it won't look good when quoted in court, believe me

I'm so furious on your behalf right now!!! I hope you find a resolution xxxxx