Really really bad day

[vinvin]

It all started with me sitting at my desk when the phone rang it was care home giving me 28 days notice as they did not feel they could cope with mum trying to escape anymore (She has only been there 2 months and managed to escape 3 times). I keep trying to explain to her she can only go out with me or husband but she cannot understand, of course, why she cannot go for a walk when she fancies one.

Had a few tears over that as had hoped she would settle and now have to find somewhere else in a hurry and there are not many in this town that are nice and do not want big top up's.

Then when I got home from work found no sign of my son who phoned me 15 minutes later saying he was with Nan as the home had phoned and wanted someone to go and try to calm her down! I tried to talk to her but she was having none of it all I could get was "I'm not staying in this stinking sh**hole of a place" so I'm afraid I told my son to come home and left the staff to try to calm her down. Although I feel bad doing that I have been at work all day and feel a bit miffed that they would ring up and as nobody else was in ask my 15 year old son to try and calm his nan down, what the hell do they get paid for?

Ok moan over I feel better for writing it down and stops me going and buying a packet of cigs (I gave up 8 years ago). If anyone knows any decent care homes in the vicinity of Hastings let me know.

Many thanks to all. x

 

[Carabosse]

It shouldn't have to fall to your 15 year old son to calm his nan down, god only knows how he felt at being put in that situation. The staff are paid to look after people who go into a CH and should find ways of distracting someone who is new to the place and has problems settling, there is a lady where mum is for respite just now who has down's syndrome she tries at every opportunity to escape and is really grumpy and moody, but the staff are very good at stopping or distracting her, so how the staff where your mum is have given up after such a short time is a bit worrying.
Maybe you should on your next visit have a word with them to see exactly how they are trying to stop wanting to leave the facility, why is it she doesn't like the place maybe something happened and its scared her a bit hence the reason she wants to leave?

 

[Shash7677]

How awful this day has been for you!!!

What on earth are the home doing asking a child to go in to his nan when they can't calm her???? This is probably the most appalling thing I've ever heard!

Does mum have a social worker or community psychiatric nurse? If so I would be onto them first thing in the morning demanding a review meeting with them and the home.

Is the home a specialist dementia home? My mum was in a residential home specialising in dementia initially and it was the biggest mistake dad ever made putting her there. The ground floor was a specialist dementia unit and was secure so residents could not get out at will. However, the floor mum was on was mixed dementia/none dementia, mum could get in the lift, go downstairs and walk out the front door anytime she liked! Disastrous home to say the least especially for someone at the moderate to severe stage.

I had a conversation with the social worker and CPN on a Monday, meeting at home Tuesday and mum moved to EMI NH that Friday. We were lucky as the place came up for mum at just the right time, if it hadnt we would have been travelling 40miles each way to visit.

Have a word with SS and ask the SW to ring round homes to find vacancies.
You shouldn't have to do everything yourself.

Take care
Sharon

 

[vinvin]

Thanks I will be ringing social services first thing tomorrow, my husband spoke to SW this morning and she was supposed to ring me later in the day but guess what I didn't get a call!! It is not the first time care home have phoned when nobody home and asked my son to speak to or visit his Nan I have reported this to the SW before who agreed it was not right but obviously did nothing about it. Hopefully i can move her quickly no point in her staying now.

Thanks to eveyone it's good to be able to put your feelings down and get some helpfull replies. xx

 

[angelmarbella]

My mother's home which is a dementia home plus some brain-injured people is very secure. You enter through a reception room which is locked until one of the carers opens the door with a special key. You walk through the reception room into the building (actually 3 large houses joined together). The French Windows in all the lounges can only be unlocked with a special sensor key which I know how to use, as I let Mum's dog out into the (secure) gardens when I am there.

I would have thought that the CH has an obligation to ensure that residents cannot "escape." I don't think it could ever happen in Mum's home.

I think it is very wrong of the CH to place the blame on your Mum - they should have better security. And, as for your 15 year old son having to deal with this, that is so wrong and your mum shouldn't be in a situation where this is required.

There are obviously CH's such as your Mum's where security isn't tight and I am sure if you are looking at other CH's then this will be your priority.

So sorry for you all and I hope you sort this out soon.

Angel

 

[jan1962]

Hi there just caught up with your post about your mums care home. OMG i would have her out of there as fast as i could. how dare the staff put this on your mum and for them to call and ask a 15 year old to come and sort out his grandmother that is disgusting. it is the CH resposability to protect their clients 24/7 not yours, not your mums and not your 25 year old son.

i would contact your SW and explain to them that no way are the home to ask your 15 year old is to be asked to go to the home and try to calm his grandmother down. also ask the to start looking for another home so that you can move your mum to a place that is safer and more able to cope with her, this is there job not yours.

i worked on a secure unit for people with AD and there was no way they could get out of the unit, every door was opened by a swipe card. they did have access to the garden which the unit was built around.

you have to protect your mum so set the ball rolling and i would also let the care home know that you with the help of your SW are making enquieries at other home so that you can move mum asap.


keep posting so that we can continue to offer support and advice.


jan1962

 

[Big Effort]

Congratulations to your incredible, responsible son!

Dear Vinvin,
I feel for you, how all this is unravelling before your eyes. I am not surprised the home can't cope, it seems they are the ones who need to get up to speed. It is their responsibility to ensure your Mum remains on site, and I think they are just taking the easy way out: Mum has to go!

When you have a moment, in all this ruckus, tell your amazing 15 year old son that I am totally impressed with him. Care home calls, and off he goes to try to talk sense into his grand-mother, and not for the first time. The world needs more adults like him, let alone 15 year olds. You should be so proud of him. And he should be proud he can take responsibility that those who are trained (presumably) and paid (certainly) cannot do.

I shall be holding you and your Mum in my thoughts and hope for the Best Possible Outome. every good thought to you today and in coming days, good luck, BE

 

[Daisy48]

Vinvin

What an awful worry for you.I really hope that you can find a more caring and secure place for you mum very soon.

I think your son is amazing to try to calm his grandmother down. I have a 14 year old daughter who is struggling with my dad's illness. It's scary enough for adults,we don't always know the right thing to do,so it must be difficult for youngsters.

All the best
love Daisy x