For those who haven't read any of my previous posts, my mum is 91 and has been diagnosed with vascular dementia.
I've written before about her periods of anger and paranoia and the confabulations, but I've only brushed on the issue of violence.
Now, at 91 my mother really isn't physically capable of hurting anyone. She doesn't have the strength. But she does quite often try to hit me around the face.
She has always had an explosive temper and forty or more years ago when I was a teenager she would frequently slap me, until the day I slapped her right back and told her she would never lay another finger on me. Not my proudest moment, but it worked. I have since come to strongly suspect that she was menopausal at that time and not coping, but it doesn't excuse what she did.
Nowadays, so many years later, her rages mostly come from being in situations where answers or facts contradict her. She'll slam the table with her hands and start shouting about how terrible everyone is to her and so on. As I'm her primary carer, it's generally me on the rough end and if I'm in reach she'll try to slap me. Today she had a tantrum and knocked my glasses off with a lucky swipe.
There are a lot of strategies discussed on this forum such as walking away or just agreeing with whatever she says, and I do try to be mindful that it is a brain injury that's talking - and not my mum - and practice them. But I'm not made out of flint and occasionally I lose my cool and tell her what I feel about being the receptacle for the horrible and ludicrous stuff she comes out with. This, for her, is a triumph as in her mind my anger or distress simply confirms everything she has been saying.
Truth is, I've don't think I've ever felt so degraded. It is relentless and she (or her illness) is, of course, remorseless. The hitting takes me right back to being a teen and the undeserved violent focus of her rages and frustration - the emotional violence that almost destroyed my relationship with her at the time. And who wants to go back there again?
So, what do I do?
Ask her doctor to medicate her?
Try and get better at never rising to it?
Stay out of reach?
I've written before about her periods of anger and paranoia and the confabulations, but I've only brushed on the issue of violence.
Now, at 91 my mother really isn't physically capable of hurting anyone. She doesn't have the strength. But she does quite often try to hit me around the face.
She has always had an explosive temper and forty or more years ago when I was a teenager she would frequently slap me, until the day I slapped her right back and told her she would never lay another finger on me. Not my proudest moment, but it worked. I have since come to strongly suspect that she was menopausal at that time and not coping, but it doesn't excuse what she did.
Nowadays, so many years later, her rages mostly come from being in situations where answers or facts contradict her. She'll slam the table with her hands and start shouting about how terrible everyone is to her and so on. As I'm her primary carer, it's generally me on the rough end and if I'm in reach she'll try to slap me. Today she had a tantrum and knocked my glasses off with a lucky swipe.
There are a lot of strategies discussed on this forum such as walking away or just agreeing with whatever she says, and I do try to be mindful that it is a brain injury that's talking - and not my mum - and practice them. But I'm not made out of flint and occasionally I lose my cool and tell her what I feel about being the receptacle for the horrible and ludicrous stuff she comes out with. This, for her, is a triumph as in her mind my anger or distress simply confirms everything she has been saying.
Truth is, I've don't think I've ever felt so degraded. It is relentless and she (or her illness) is, of course, remorseless. The hitting takes me right back to being a teen and the undeserved violent focus of her rages and frustration - the emotional violence that almost destroyed my relationship with her at the time. And who wants to go back there again?
So, what do I do?
Ask her doctor to medicate her?
Try and get better at never rising to it?
Stay out of reach?