Racist comments

[Lainey 127]

I'm not making excuses for my Mum, but she's 92 and has never had any contact with people from African or Asian ethnic groups. She was never a racist, but now she's in the mid stages of dementia, she's started making what could be taken to be racist comments to some of her wonderful carers.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Oh dear, yes. My mother has been in long term care (nursing home) for over 11 years now. When she was still able to speak, she would make many and loud comments about race, weight, size of nose, looks and so on. Basically, whatever ever thought came into her brain walked out her mouth! It was terribly embarrassing but the staff were always very good about it.

I don't think there is anything you can do, except grit your teeth. Eventually your mother will stop but it may take some time.

 

[Tatiana]

Sympathies - father in law has made some very upsetting racist remarks to various members of staff/Drs/Nurses at his current carehome. Unfortunately, he's at his worst when he's lucid and the staff know this. My husbands brother in law has had the unenviable task of explaining to him why he simply cannot behave in such a hurtful way towards people who are doing their best to help him. He's always been a racist and very quick to express his views loudly. It's upsetting for the staff, especially as he knows what he's saying.

 

[Noorza]

Some say not to apologise for the person with dementia's behaviour and they are right, we are not responsible, we do not share those thoughts, but I just can't help it.

I do apologise for any offence she may have caused and want to assure the person insulted that when she was well, she would never say or do the things she does.

I don't apologise because I don't share those thoughts but apologise for offence they have caused. I would not want anyone else upset I do enough of that for all of us.

Having said that, carers for dementia patients should be trained well enough to be taught not to take any of it personally, if their employers are doing their jobs properly.

 

[Raggedrobin]

My mum went through a phase in hospital of commenting very loudly on how fat various nurses were, in front of them. It must have been very hurtful for the nurses and we all came down on her like a ton of bricks, telling her it was 'wrong'. The good news is that a few months later she has stopped doing it completely. Not as bad as being racist, but one of those weird bits of inappropriate dementia behaviour.

 

[love.dad.but..]

My dad's the same, wasn't racist in previous life but at 83 probably even living in the capital didn't see many different ethnicities when he was 19 or 20 which is the age we think he's travelled back to! He also comments on people being fat, having big noses, making loud noises, eating noisily (even though he now does, had impeccable manners pre-dementia) etc so quite a variety. He says things with a schoolboy grin so he knows he's being naughty! I agree you shouldn't feel that you should apologise but it happens quite often so thinking of making a card to hold up 'I'm terribly sorry dad's got dementia'! Joking, but on the other hand.....

 

[Anongirl]

My mum went through a phase in hospital of commenting very loudly on how fat various nurses were, in front of them. It must have been very hurtful for the nurses and we all came down on her like a ton of bricks, telling her it was 'wrong'. The good news is that a few months later she has stopped doing it completely. Not as bad as being racist, but one of those weird bits of inappropriate dementia behaviour.

My mum was similar when she had carers at home. She would refer to them as "the big one", "the big black one" and my personal favourite "the drunk" !

I haven't heard her say anything about the carers at the home though. Yet. She's always been the type of person who would hate to upset anyone but it's like she says what she sees now!

 

[Beenie]

I have had so many uncomfortable situations with my uncle due to the wrong thing coming out of his mouth, but the one that still makes me cringe is the lovely lady at his daycare who he always insists on calling manly! It must be hurtful to her but she always smiles at him. I think those in the profession are used to it. He keeps telling me at the moment I'm getting "wide across the beam!" He can't remember to flush the loo but always remembers to insult me at least once a day

 

[3rdson]

I'm not making excuses for my Mum, but she's 92 and has never had any contact with people from African or Asian ethnic groups. She was never a racist, but now she's in the mid stages of dementia, she's started making dreadful abusive racist comments to some of her wonderful carers. I've asked Mum not to pass comment but it's pointless as she's beyond understanding. She doesn't realise what she's said and has forgotten it five seconds later, but it makes me cringe with shame and worries me.
Most of the regular girls understand and laugh it off, but I worry that the care agency will start to receive complaints and stop sending carers?
Anyone else been through this?

I have preemptively apologized and explained to caregivers that Mom is not aware of what she is saying and not to take it personally. Usually this comes up when she is in hospital and very confused and delusional.

I know there is no good end to trying to explain it to Mom, she can't help herself.

 

[jaymor]

My husband's care home send out regular surveys and we are invited to a meeting when the results have been analysed and written up.

One of the questions was about staffing and the high turn over of staff which leads to more agency staff which is not ideal.

We were told at the meeting that the Manager was interviewing weekly and always had at least 10 people applying for a post as carer. As it is a nursing home for challenging behaviour with dementia she always at the beginning of the interview tells them all the difficult behaviour they would have to deal with. To all non English candidates the first one always mentioned was racism.

There are several black and Asian carers on my husbands floor who are sometimes verbally abused but they are well trained in dementia and it never seems to bother them. They still sit and chat and engage with the offender. They really are very special people who can accept the abuse and still treat the sufferer with kindness and respect. I have the upmost respect for them.

Jay

 

[Auntiep]

My Mum is black (Jamaican), and she sometimes makes racist comments aimed at non-west indians, eg African, Asian and occasionally whites.

P x

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[SWMBO1950]

I honestly think it is a generational thing. They thought nothing of it years ago even if they did not express it outloud. A neighbour when I was growing up had a black labrador who they called n****r and we thought it was a good name for a black dog It would now be beyond offensive to do that now.

 

[SWMBO1950]

Auntyp if you have ever seen the show Avenue Q you would have heard a song called 'Everyone is a little bit racist' and for the most part I agree!!

I do however think it is the person and how they live their lives and not the colour of their skin that counts.

My Mum is black (Jamaican), and she sometimes makes racist comments aimed at non-west indians, eg African, Asian and occasionally whites.

P x

Sent from my GT-I9195 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Ann Mac]

Mil has also become what we would call 'very pass-remarkable' She has commented (loudly, and often rudely) on peoples appearance - we can see her 'people watching' if we go to a restaurant or cafe, or are stood in a queue perhaps, and find ourselves just waiting for the comment, and hoping whoever its aimed at is not within earshot I would never have thought Mil had any prejudices, prior to the dementia, but there have been a couple of times where she has said quite offensive things, regarding not only race, but also things like sexual orientation - and its really shocked me, because its just NOT in line with how she is (or should I say, 'was'? ). The very worst (so far) was in a restaurant and a young waiter, who laughing and joking with us in a very camp manner, was treated to Mil raising her glass of lemonade and toasting 'Cheers to queers and engineers' Mil can see absolutely no wrong in any remarks like this, and if we say anything, she dismisses it with either 'For goodness sake I was joking', or a very sniffy 'Oh, very sorry I'm sure - nobody ever told me it was wrong to say that' - or (worst of all) inform us that she is 'entitled to her opinion!'.

Every situation is different - if its appropriate, I'll explain briefly and say I hope there is no offense taken, to whoever is on the receiving end - thankfully, there haven't been any unpleasant reactions (other than the odd dirty look), but its uncomfortable when it happens, and it saddens me because the last thing my Mil has ever wanted to do, throughout her life, is upset anyone.

 

[LYN T]

There's an Irish lady in my Husband's CH who doesn't even suffer from Dementia; what comes out of her mouth makes me cringe. She tells the lovely Asian staff that 'you are taking all of our jobs-go back from where you come from'

She has a go at me for 'having another Husband at home-that's why you've put him in here-he's only 67'. When Pete is being violent it's 'that b-st-rd-I'm going to kick him in his b-lls' There's no end to it. The staff are wonderfully patient (I just want to head-butt her) Oh and she tells everyone that one of the male carers and a young female carer are having an affair-and that's when the male carer's partner is also working

She's a Catholic and receives communion every Sunday; I wonder how long it takes her to confess her sins?

Take care everyone

Lyn T

 

[Witzend]

There's an Irish lady in my Husband's CH who doesn't even suffer from Dementia; what comes out of her mouth makes me cringe. She tells the lovely Asian staff that 'you are taking all of our jobs-go back from where you come from'

She has a go at me for 'having another Husband at home-that's why you've put him in here-he's only 67'. When Pete is being violent it's 'that b-st-rd-I'm going to kick him in his b-lls' There's no end to it. The staff are wonderfully patient (I just want to head-butt her) Oh and she tells everyone that one of the male carers and a young female carer are having an affair-and that's when the male carer's partner is also working

She's a Catholic and receives communion every Sunday; I wonder how long it takes her to confess her sins?

Take care everyone

Lyn T

True, it's not just down to dementia. My OH"s old aunt (no dementia) would make all sorts of very loud comments about anyone black, fat (and she was no sylph herself) or what she saw as 'common'. I would be inwardly cringing non stop. She once said at the top of her voice in a pub restaurant, 'WHY DOES THAT WAITRESS WEAR SUCH SHORT SKIRTS WITH LEGS LIKE THAT?' It was a relief when we stopped taking her out for lunch since she only ever bitched and moaned about about the food no matter how nice it was - I would cook instead.

Oh, and the CH she eventually went into was just across the road from her flat, which was not sold for a considerable time. So of course my filthy OH was constantly over there having wild sex with her cleaning lady - and what's more before they tore their clothes off they were guzzling her whisky!!

 

[jeany123]

When my husband who has vascular dementia sees someone black he goes on loudly about not being racist and accepting people for who they are to anyone in hearing distance,
If he sees or hears anything about people being gay he claims at the top of his voice "they can do what they want as long as i don't have to watch them, some of my best friends have been gay"
When he was in hospital he had a UTI and the lovely black male nurse who looked after him turned into that black b----r, I was so embarrassed but as my son and daughter say it isn't my fault and I shouldn't apologise, if we said anything it made him worse with his denials,

 

[Padraig]

I think it's sad that people make racist comments. Somewhere along the line they have been failed. Pain, suffering, hunger, love and most defiantly Dementia knows no borders, colours or race.
I was raised in Ireland in the custody of Nuns,Christians and priests. They preached a lot about love, unfortunately never displayed any. They failed to educate me, but did train me and I provided free labour. Not their fault, they believed that they were doing was for the best.
They took control through fear and brainwashed the children.
What I took away from my entire childhood with them, was always try to avoid causing hurt to others by word or deed. I've travelled to world and found the poorest are the most generous. Racists: forgive them they do not know what they do or say, not unlike AD sufferers.

 

[fremington6]

Inappropriate comments

Have been looking at the comments about behaviour. My husband who is now in the moderate to severe phase of vascular dementia. Lately he has. Started making comments of a sexual innuendo at random times. It's ok with people we know well we just laugh and say "behave yourself" as they understand the problem but with anyone else it's so embarrassing. He seems pretty obsessed with sex just now as if he's 25 (raging hormones as my carer counsellor says). He's 76! He chats to any woman he comes in contact with saying he could easily get another woman. It's really getting me down and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions please.

 

[JayGun]

Have been looking at the comments about behaviour. My husband who is now in the moderate to severe phase of vascular dementia. Lately he has. Started making comments of a sexual innuendo at random times. It's ok with people we know well we just laugh and say "behave yourself" as they understand the problem but with anyone else it's so embarrassing. He seems pretty obsessed with sex just now as if he's 25 (raging hormones as my carer counsellor says). He's 76! He chats to any woman he comes in contact with saying he could easily get another woman. It's really getting me down and I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions please.

Oh my goodness tghat does sound difficult.

My MIL is just at the toddler esque stage of pointing at people abd making loud remarks. I have no idea how we'd cope with this kind of inappropriateness.

My heart goes out to you fremington6.