Putting dad in a care home???

[Jessbow]

Fifimo is absolutely right Claire, this is the route we took with my dad, and telling your dad he is going for rehabilitation or convalescence is a very good and a to my mind, a gentler way of getting him into long term care. X

...Except when the hospital social worker believes Mums twaddle ( she'd look after herself 24/7 If I didn't 'spoil' her) and when she says ''I don't want to. I want to go home'' They tell me she cannot be forced.

You just get on and do your mental capacity test - just ask ME what the right answers are Before YOU assess how competent she is.

Have you got grandchildren? Tell me about them... Apparently they are Alison and George, aged 12 and 10.
No they are Alice and George AND Andrew. 16, 14 and mid twenties.
That was a pass- talk about squeeze the answers to fit what they want to hear!

The best of the lot- ''I get up, get washed go downstairs and gets breakfast.''

Lets insert a few more words to reflect the truth
''I get Woken up up, get washed By my carergo downstairs and gets breakfast Put in front of her.''

she lives in a bungalow!

Can you tell I am frustrated?

 

[Dazmum]

I can Jessbow, and can understand it. I recently saw a report of a yearly review done on my mum, and everything she told them was incorrect, but nothing in the report to say so. It's not crucial now as mum is in a care home, but this was also the case before she went in. I kept a diary as well before she went, as I think I would have forgotten just how many issues there were. It felt horrible doing it, but it did seem to help in getting her the care she needed.

 

[claire43]

Fifimo thats an excellent idea, thanks. At the moment my dad has got it in for the drs anyway cos he thinks they are being ridiculous keeping him in when he is perfectly fine. Medically he is doing really well. His bp is normal for a man of his age, his heart rate has stabilized & the mild water infection has cleared up. Unfortunately his mind has gone into meltdown. He swings from being able to articulate quite well to talking nonsense sometimes in the space of a couple of minutes. Then there is the angry, agitated side which is very unpleasant to see, then he gets paranoid & thinks we are all out to get him & are telling lies to keep him in hospital. Today he was very difficult, he speaks to the nursing staff terribly calling them idiots and worse. He talks & talks & talks hardly taking a breath & will not listen to anything anyone says. He is refusing to take his medication most of the time yet the dr explained they couldnt force him & dont want to give him via injections cos theyre hoping he'll come round to doing it their way. Its so frustrating.

Im feeling guilty for several reasons. I went to this afternoons visit after a very hectic day, told him I'd see him later (approx 2 hours between visits) but felt so unwell I nodded off and only woke 15 mins before visiting started. I was still feeling ill so rang the ward & asked them to explain to him that I couldnt visit. I know its almost certainly the stress of things thats causing me to feel this way but what can I do

Earlier in the day I arranged to have his car, which is really old but he loved it, scrapped. The reason Im doing this now is cos the tax is up on 31 dec & its parked on a main road. Its being collected tomorrow morning & I feel so sneaky doing all this without his knowledge or consent.

 

[grobertson62]

Hi. My dads decline was rapid too
Jan 5th he was fine had a fall and was hospitalised. Jan 6th the dad we had was gone.
As you say it was like someone flipped a switch
The hardest decision regarding where dad should go after hospital caused many a sleepless night. Heartache guilt etc etc. We knew he couldnt come home as he needed24/7 care.
His safety was paramount.
There were times when we seemed to have glimpses of the old dad and i wondered if we had made a mistake. Been too hasty should have tried harder and so on
But now dads no longer with us and i am so thankful for the decision we made. It meant the time we had with him over the last 2years was time for him. Not cleaning ironing cooking but just being.
Try not to beat yourself up second guessing and listening to the guilt monster
You are a good daughter
Hope you manage to have a good xmas in spite of every thing
Gill

 

[bailie]

my dad and alzeimers

After my fathers rapid decline over the weekend I spoke to the staff nurse about putting the wheels into motion regarding long term residential care. She explained that my dad would probably stay on the ward over the christmas period because he still has some underlying medical issues (minor water infection, unable to pass urine properly, high bp & fast heart rate. Then he would almost certainly be transferred to another hospital a few miles further away whilst a suitable care home could be found. I was at work at the time & as soon as I put the phone down I just burst into tears & couldnt stop. In the end I had to be sent home which has never happended before.

I feel like the worst daughter in the world, how can I face him tonight at visiting when I know what Ive just done. Its like Im 2 different people - 1 of me knows absolutely that my 77 year old mother could not cope, it would kill her then another me thinks maybe just maybe he could come home we'd have sitters at night Id go to help straight from work etc etc. The reality of the situation as it is at present is that my dad doesnt know where he is. He asked if he was in a hotel this morning & was there laundry service, last night he asked me if my home was like his (meaning the room he was in). But what happens if he becomes worked up & realises hes not at home. There are so many questions & worries going round & round my head I feel like I cant catch my breath.

This has happened so quickly despite years of him being confused & forgetful this huge decline happened overnight. Only last week he agreed to POA & the forms are in his house but now hes in no fit state to sign them. Sorry to ramble but these are the thoughts swirling

 

[bailie]

my dad and alzeimers

I know how u feel my dad is now in a care home previously we brought him home twice bfore to try an cope but he is now sectioned mumstil wants to keep trying but hard as it is we are told we couldnt cope Ive been today to visit dad wasnt very good I sat in my car an sobbed it never gets easier so I try to av as near normal a life I can but hes in my thoughts day an night an wonder when life wil b normal an happy again

 

[canary]

Hi bailie
This thread is 2 years old, but the advice is still good.
It is always a shock when someone you love goes into a home and the guilt monster loves to whisper in your ear!
Your head know that your mum cant cope - youve been here twice before - and you know that a care home is the very best place for him, but your heart hasnt yet taken this on board. Get a big stick to knock that guilt monster off your shoulder and keep reminding yourself that you will be doing the very best for him when he goes into a care home. You wont stop caring - there is still a lot to do, its just that it changes and someone else does the heavy stuff and night-times.