Pushing myself .... When I'm not even ready!

[Roman223]

Hello to everyone! It's been just over a year since I lost my wonderful mum but I guess with dementia I lost her years ago ...! I have come to realise that no matter how many Counsellors/ people I speak to about my mum and the dreadful experience I went through with her, it will always be painful and traumatic. My Counsellor told me that "There will always be a block regarding your mum" and I do think she's right. I know members on here have said before that a year is not a long time for grieving. I have been trying to push myself far too early and have found I cannot do that. As my body is telling me otherwise. I really thought I was ready but I am starting to realise that I have to take things "One Day at a time" (as someone said to me recently). I am still finding it difficult to put me first as it was mum and her needs for a long while. Maybe in time my brain might programme that . . .

I probably have gone on a little in this post but I just felt the need to put my thoughts down in writing. As always thank you for reading and I hope everyone is doing ok.

 

[Izzy]

I hope posting here has helped @Roman223. You know you are amongst people who understand.

 

[SAP]

Thank you for sharing this. I think a lot of people would assume that once our loved one has gone there would be a big feeling of relief and that life can get back to normal because the dementia has gone too. But of course it is at this point that all the stuff we have put on hold, feelings, memories, realisation about what we have gone through, comes to the forefront. It can be very traumatic caring for someone and that trauma needs to be addressed for us to move forward. To read posts from people talking about it is so important , to raise awareness of the true cost of caring .
Yes , one day at a time, be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

[Gosling]

I am glad you posted this @Roman223 . I too lost my dear Mum just over a year ago, having had a slow eight year deteriorating journey with Alzheimer's. It was plain horrible - and like you, I know I started to loose her a long time before she actually passed away. I miss her, I miss being able to share and confide - she was always wise counsel to me.
Anyway, Yes I do totally get what you say. A year is no time, and don't let anyone suggest that you should 'be over it' That's just nonsense.
And you haven't 'gone on a little' in your post. And I hope this helps, as I have said many time on this forum before, you will always find understanding here. Do please take care.

 

[canary]

Yes, @Roman223 , do listen to your body. Grieving takes more time than people realise, especially after dementia. I have heard many people express the opinion that with dementia you do all your grieving before they die, but its really not true. Yes, there is anticipatory grief, but there is no closure with it - the grief is just being constantly recycled. It is only after the finality of death that we can properly process it all and the emotional cost of caring for someone with dementia means that there is even more to go through

Please be kind to yourself
xxx

 

[LynneMcV]

I find that writing my feelings down always helps me sort my thoughts out @Roman223 - and hopefully, you will find the same by posting here.
I am glad that you have decided to stop pushing yourself and instead, to take one day at a time. Grieving and finding a way forward takes as long as it takes.

 

[Banjomansmate]

I say that caring for The Banjoman knocked the stuffing out of me. Everything was and still is, coming up to four years since he died, too much effort. Even things I enjoy and want to do I have to push myself to do.