1. Dawnee1418

    Dawnee1418 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    31
    Well it's been 4 month since dad passed away & although I'm really struggling at night to sleep I've been trying to get on with things best I can but a text message from my sister in law the other day has finally made me crack.When I get up to go to the toilet I pass the bathroom & think I can hear the water running in the bathroom, dad used to wash 4-5 times a night. My sister in laws not well & lost her father just after I lost mine.
    I've still got an open wound from December 2013 after emergency surgery due to my body rejecting mesh but because I've had so much surgery since 2003 following cancer & ended up with multiple blood clots in my lungs I've come to a decisoin with the surgeon that my body can't take any more & I'll leave things as they are.
    Before my father died I was up most of the night with him until the last week when we had night carers in & a hospital bed down stairs but I would still get up & make a drink if I couldn't sleep that final week. Now I daren't even go down stairs & make a drink for fear my father is down stairs laid in the bed. After he died the nurses didn't come to certify him for 4 hours so we sat with him in the room & I now can't get that out of my mind. My mums not well & has skin cancer & hyperparathyroidism. I haven't felt up to contacting her as often as I did I'm worrying about mum trying to cope with my own problems not sleeping & because I haven't contacted her as often she says I don't care she says at least I have mum she has no one but she does have a son & his partner who she says I didn't ring back when he rang whilst I was coming home from hospital. I did try ringing him back & there was no reply. So I left a message.
    I'm laid here crying in such a state when I should be having some me time after caring for my father. It's as if because she has no money coming in its my fault & I can't help that since dad died I've had to take on all the bills etc mum & he paid even though I'm unable to work. Sorry for babbling just needed to let it out
     
  2. Kevinl

    Kevinl Registered User

    Aug 24, 2013
    4,780
    Salford
    Sorry to hear you're story Dawnee, it sounds like you've had and are having it pretty rough, no really useful advice I doubt there is any to give, just to tell you I care, we all do on here so let it out. One day it'll be my turn so in the words of the song "I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too".
    take care
    K
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,848
    Female
    Scotland
    Dawnee you've got the lot - emotional loss, physical problems, family issues and financial struggle. Can any of them be resolved? The loss of your Dad will hurt but gradually fade given time, will your own health improve? Could you manage a short holiday away somewhere to help you recover? Maybe someone on here could point you in the direction of some funds that would help out there.

    Family need to lean on you because by the sound of it you have been their strength in the past. Now you need to concentrate on yourself for a wee while.

    We are coming to the end of this year which has been a bad one for you but in Scotland we have an almost superstitious faith in the New Year bringing new opportunities. I hope that this will be the case for you. The only way is up!

    Good wishes.
     
  4. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    No advice to offer either Dawnee. You have had a very rough time, and have an awful lot to process, and a lot still going on. I always hesitate to say it, but would you consider a couple of sessions with a bereavement counsellor or similar, to help you process your feelings and fears? I'm sure your dad would not want you feeling this way - he was your dad and he loved his girl. As for passing the bathroom at night - leave the bathroom door wide open, and the light on, so you will know immediately the water is not running, and can have reassurance on that - although at night, you could easily be hearing water going through heating pipes or into the attic tank if you have flushed the loo? I often find I will hear things like that at night, where I wouldn't notice them during the day.

    My dad died almost 15 years ago, at home, in a hospital bed in mum's living room. After the funeral directors removed the body, we had the bed removed the next day, and after the funeral (which took place two days later), my mum felt she couldn't look at the living room the way it was any more - so she had it completely re-decorated. Everything, from the carpet to the curtains, to the pictures on the walls, even changed the furniture. She felt if she didn't, she would always see dad in the hospital bed, dying, in her mind's eye, in that room. Maybe you have friends who would help with that? You know - the way people say "let me know if there's anything I can do."? :D

    I too hope that things will improve for you in the coming months. Meanwhile, this is certainly the place to come and at least let things out. We may not be able to help, but at least we can listen - well, read. xx
     
  5. Mrsbusy

    Mrsbusy Registered User

    Aug 15, 2015
    356
    Sorry to hear you are going through this when you feel bad enough yourself. I think it's unreasonable of your Mum to put everything on you.

    Have you checked online websites like Entitled2 to check if you are claiming what you can to help the finances side. Is your mum getting attendance allowance for herself? Carers allowance for you? Council tax reduction? Did she get help with the funeral costs?

    How about going to your GP and talking to them about everything getting too much. Even a short six months on anti depressants may help you.

    In respect of your Dad in the house feelings, I was always told either talk to them if you want to or if you tell them in no uncertain terms, swearing no doubt, then that helps too. I know what you mean with mind playing tricks etc but as time goes by it will get easier to think if your Dad and may become a comfort to think you hear the water etc.

    Hugs, be kind to yourself, you are doing your best, people can't expect anymore from you.
     
  6. Dawnee1418

    Dawnee1418 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    31
    Hi my mum isn't putting it all on me I said to mum it would be easier for me if all the bills
    were in my name it took so much sorting out after dad died apart from council tax & water rates & they could be done online by filling in a form. This way when anything happens to mum it's easier for me I've only to companies & the banks to contact. I am getting more money than mum as she is only getting a small pension & by paying the bills I know up to now so long as my financial circumstances stay as they are I will be able to cope.
    The person whose making me feel guilty is my sister in law for my not contacting her or my nephew all the time asking how they are & im sure keep putting money in my nephews bank as I was. My mum & I are close but I see her health deteriorating
    & im worried sick about her but others don't realise how much I'm worried about her as well as having my own problems. Yes my sister in law is ill but I haven't had it easy having to give up a job I love back in the 1990s due to health & operation after operation since I had cancer in 2003. We didn't get help toward the funeral as mum had planned & done a insurance policy for death although it didn't cover the funeral fully she had saved & luckily my eldest brothers friend who is a funeral director did the funeral & didn't charge for her services or the chapel of rest.
    I'm on that many drugs I don't want to take antidepressants but I did get some sleeping tablets which I've taken when I need. I think had my sister in law not put a comment on social media then text to say what had they done wrong I would have been ok that just pushed me to the edge. She having looked after her mum with dementia & lost her father just after me should have realised I did still care but needed time to myself to come to terms with what's happened.
    I can't help the fact she can't claim ESA & has no money coming in I do care but have my own health problems & everytime I sit down I feel myself falling asleep. In fact my friend & I took mum to see Calander Girls at the Theatre today & I sat behind her & mum as there were empty seats either side so I had room for my crutches & I could feel my head nodding although I did manage to stay awake for the 3 hours.
    I mentioned to mum about dad & she started to smile she is feeling exactly the same still hearing him. I think it's because we've got so used to hearing him wash so many times a night.
    Thanks for listening
     
  7. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Dawnee, between your health and your grief, you will be exhausted. My husband died in August, and I still find that often, I start falling asleep if I sit for a while. Give yourself time, and go with it.
     
  8. Dawnee1418

    Dawnee1418 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    31
    Hospital bed

    Hi thanks for the advice I did decorate the bedroom dad was in before but with the dementia & alzheimers even before end of life care he spent a lot of the night down stairs so I spent a lot of the time sat drinking chocolate with him. Everytime I went into the bedroom I could smell all the smells from dad the drinks he spilt on the carpet etc.
    When he died we were 3 hours with him laid in the bed then with it being a weekend we couldn't ring up until Monday when mum told the man at equipment service dad had died & we had a bed needed collecting as soon as possible he asked so why do we want the bed collecting. It was nearly a week & I kept ringing up telling them we had a constant reminder. In the end I had to contact my friend & local councillor who emailed the head of equipment services & they came 2 days later. In January next year my brother & his wife is coming to stay for a couple of weeks that might help we could move furniture round then. I'm worried about mum everytime I look at her her face seams more drawn in she should have been sent months ago for a rodent ulcer removing but she wouldn't go to the Drs & when she did they sent her to another medical centre now then they sent her to the hospital & the registrar said she should have gone there first but there's a lot of small Red ulcer marks cropping all over her face & neck now. I'll be glad when she goes next Friday to have the big one removed & hopefully the others biopsies.
    What's made me so upset is the fact I have another family member telling me I don't care about them because I haven't been texting & ringing to ask how they are well I'm sorry they feel that way but my mind Is on mum at present & having some me time to try & come to terms with my loss.Thanks for listening
     
  9. Dawnee1418

    Dawnee1418 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    31
    So sorry

    So sorry for your loss LadyA that's exactly what I'm trying to do now both my mum & I find ourselves sat falling asleep & now we are able to do that. I thought the morphine I take for the back pain & pain from all the surgery would have helped me sleep but it doesn't. Thank you for the advice & for listening.
     
  10. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Dawnee, how long have you been on the morphine? I ask, because my dad was on morphine when he was ill years ago - and my mum was on it for a while after surgery, and they had to stop it - but I remember that it gave dad some minor hallucinations. Nothing alarming, thankfully. But he was convinced there was a toymaker in the corner of his room. He couldn't actually see him - but he was convinced he was there. Sitting on a stool, making toys. :rolleyes: Could the morphine be actually part of the problems you are having at night?
     
  11. Dawnee1418

    Dawnee1418 Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    31
    Hi Lady A no I think we looked after dad that long & he would get up & washed up to 5 times a night & for mum to say the same without me saying anything to her it's probably we are still expecting him to be there. I've been on morphine for quite some time but some days I don't take as much that's when my back is really bad. It's never had any affect on me even when I was on a really high dose during surgery.
    I'm sure it's just dad was always in the bathroom in the night & that's just going to take time. When we went away for a week in September neither of us felt like that. I actually thought the week away would break that feeling but I guess it's going to take longer.
     
  12. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    13,517
    Ireland
    Probably. Other than leaving the light on and door open, the only other thing I can think of is to leave a radio or something on low, so there's background noise, and you don't find yourself listening for the water running.
     

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