Proud of myself? Most definitely not.


Registered User
Sep 19, 2007
As you know I made tentative steps to going back to work on Monday. By 11.30am I was home for the day - guilt ridden! Yesterday I came home at 11am but returned to work for the afternoon. Today I did the same. Whilst I was home all the time he seemed to be doing well - getting dressed, combing his hair etc and getting the calories down. Whilst I was at home he was also responding well to the carers. Since I have returned to work I get nothing but a mouthful of the most spiteful abuse from the moment I start getting him up. He's refusing to dress. The carers are ignored completely. Having said that he is still getting the calories down so I should be thankful for that. But all he wants to do is lie on the bed in a darkened room - which is what he was doing when I was at home but his interaction seemed better - or was that just my interpretation? Then I lost it big time when I got home today. At night he has a wee bottle but is well able to potter to the loo in the daytime. When I got home I found he'd taken the wee bottle back into the bedroom to save himself coming out of the bedroom at all or even off the bed. A right slanging match ensued. Pre AD we were not a couple that rowed particularly and certainly not like that and I am feeling so guilty for having lost it tonight. In my heart of hearts I know what it is all about for both of us - change and being on tenterhooks. I deperately want to be at home with him and, despite his dreadful language and anger towards me, I know he wants me at home too. But the big GM has hit again. We are calm now and I have apologised for my part in the argument and he's had his tea and he even said thank you for that. Oh dear!!

Love from Sammyb


Registered User
Mar 7, 2004
Hey, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

O.K. so you tried something different and it isn't working too well, at present.

Give it a little more time. Every change in routine takes longer to get used too, but 'it does become the norm'

I don't quite know how things will work out for you both, but throw the GUILT MONSTER off your back right away. You are doing the best you can for both of you.

Please cut yourself some slack. Let us know how the rest of the week goes, and don't worry about the harsh words. He will have forgotten them long before you.

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Dear sammy

Connie is right, you`ve nothing to feel guilty about. You are trying to do the best for both of you, but unfortunately Alzheimers isn`t very good at compromise. :(

Stand firm. You have got all the care package sorted and it`s very early days yet.

The only thing I can suggest, if you want suggestions, is to try to ignore confrontation and avoid conflict by walking away from it. Let your husband know this is how things are and this is how they have to be. It takes a long time to get the message home but you cannot run yourself ragged.

I know how much you care and how worried you are, and so does your husband. I`m not suggesting for a minute you stop caring and stop worrying but I am suggesting you try not to let him see how his behaviour affects you. Easier said than done, I know from my own experience, but sometimes, needs must.

Give it time, if you can, and stop taking blame for something you can`t control.

Love xx


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Sammy, Connie's right. Stop feeling guilty!

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You're doing your best for your husband, you've organised care for him, and gone back to work. What's to feel guilty about?

OK, you lost it tonight. I doubt if there's one of us who could claim not to have lost it on occasion. You're quite right, it's a stressful business, living with dementia, either as a sufferer or as a carer. We're all living on the edge, and it's not surprising we lose it at times.

Try to take connie's advice and give it a bit longer. It's bound to take your husband a while to get used to the new arrangements, and believe me, AD sufferers are quite capable of emotional blackmail.

Try to stay strong, keep your cool, and see how it goes. Good luck,



Registered User
Sep 19, 2007
Thank you people. It is odd. When he was in hospital for so long I quite deluded myself that, once home, everything would be 100% better. Now I realise I must have been in denial about how bad his symptoms were/are. And yet, some of the things he says or does I feel are deliberate - that he is saying/doing things which he knows will hurt me and that wasn't him. For example, amidst all the verbal abuse this morning we both cracked up laughing. He wouldn't brush his hair (shoulder length - aging hippy) so I did it for him and for each brush stroke I made he spat out a pill which landed on the bed clothes. On the third stroke/pill I laughed and he did too - put the pills back in his mouth and swallowed them and gave me a wry smile. It was as if everything he was doing was deliberate and calculated and that can be hurtful if I'm not relaxed enough to see the funny side. Normally we both have a good sense of humour. His might be intact - mine's waning fast!!

Love from Sammyb