Process for Dad going into a home

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Cross Stitchery, Feb 15, 2016.

  1. Cross Stitchery

    Cross Stitchery Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    North West London

    This is my first post. My Dad was diagnosed with dementia last year. He has the most common form.

    He has now deteriorated to the point where we are considering putting him in a home.

    I just want to know what the process is. He has a social worker and a carer for two hours a week, but my mum simply cannot cope with the illness, no matter how often we explain she doesn't understand that it is not my Dad's fault and he is not the same person she married. She takes everything he says literally and gets angry when he accuses her of losing his things, or lying to him. It's happening more and more often. He's very frightened and the rows between him and my mum are just unbearable. I don't want to send him away, but it seems to be the only solution. Any advice would be welcome.

    My Dad is 85 - nearly 86 and my mum is 84. They have been married for 53 years and have known each other since they were teenagers. There are 4 of us, me, my sister and two brothers. As siblings we have all accepted the diagnosis and do everything we can to support our parents.
  2. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    #2 Pickles53, Feb 15, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
    Hello Cross Stitchery, welcome to TP from a fellow stitching enthusiast.

    Sorry to hassle you, but if you could give a little more information it would help...

    Do you have Lasting Power of Attorney for Finance and for Health & Welfare? If not, make this your priority as everything is more complicated without it. You can download the forms and complete them online from the website. You don't need to involve a solicitor and the fees may be waived depending on your mum & dad's income/savings.

    The second question is, do you know if your dad would be self-funding in a care home? Assuming your mum remains in the house it would be disregarded, but if he has other savings above £23,000 (including savings in his own name and 50% of any joint savings) he would be self-funding. Below this, he would be entitled to some financial help from the LA BUT only if SS assess him as needing a residential placement rather than (for example) increased care visits while he continues to live at home. So I'd suggest you should ask SS for an assessment if his needs have increased and your mum should also have a carers assessment to see whether there is any additional support she can be offered (eg a sitting service so she could have a break for a few hours).

    If you are sure he would be self-funding, you do not need to involve SS at all and can start looking for homes you think would be suitable. I did this for my mum and SS were completely uninterested especially as she was moving out of their area. She did have a CPN but he was satisfied that mum had capacity to understand what was being proposed and was not unwilling to move.
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    Welcome to TP
    Sorry everyone is having such a hard time - it is a really difficult diagnosis to accept.

    You can phone Social Services Adult Care Duty Desk and ask for an assessment for your Dad - if you ask for day care that should be an option - a day centre where your Dad can go for lunch and activities. As well as our social services centre we also have Crossroads Day Centre where people can go for up to 3 days It is a life saver and it would give your mum back some time for herself which may be a good thing

    Your mum should also have a carers assessment - this will give her a break and some 'free' hours of help possibly

    This leaflet on compassionate communication is very useful - I found it very hard to master but I stuck it on my fridge to remind me every day and it really does work

    Do have a look at it

    If you are not already getting it do apply for Attendance Allowance - the forms are a bit tricky in that you have to imagine the worst possible day and write down the help that is needed (not the help that they get at the moment but what would be ideal for what they NEED). Attendance Allowance is not means tested and you should get it, if you need some help with the forms come back and ask Age UK are really good at helping with assessing what benefits you can claim and then they also help you fill in the forms - someone will come to your house. Age UK are also very good at practical advice and help - Age UK Advice line free national advice line that is open 365 days a year. To talk to someone, just call 0800 169 2081.

    Another lifesaver for me is our local carers cafe - you can get lots of local info there including all the things you will never read online like which care homes are good, which are not, which day centres are worth going to and anything new that is going on.

    and last but not least if there are issues with incontinence all areas have a continence service - you will need to look up your Trust or google your area plus Continence Service. The continence nurses we have had have been wonderful and pads are supplied free by the NHS.

    Some of these might help while you are thinking about the next stage and you may even find that with the extra help your mum's life might change for the better and give you all a bit more time to think and visit local homes and get info from the local carers cafe.

    Good luck and keep posting x
  4. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
    You could be describing my parents,my mum never came to terms with the changes,in Ly dad post dementia,no matter who or how often we tried to explain it was beyond her comprehension.We tried carers,day care,the problem was that she was still on her own for most of the time,my siblings and I had a rota to call every evening after work,carers 4 times a day,day care eventually 4 days a week.She still couldn't cope.Dad eventually went into a NH,followed about 6 months later by Mum.With hindsight I wish we'd moved Dad sooner,at least that way my mum might have had some peace.Mum died last September,Dad fights on!I think if the carer also has health issues,or even if they are also old,they really need pretty much full time support.I hope you have a better outcome
  5. Linbrusco

    Linbrusco Registered User

    Mar 4, 2013
    Auckland...... New Zealand
    #5 Linbrusco, Feb 15, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2016
    This is me at the moment.
    Mum 75 with moderate Alzheimers, and Dad with cognitive impairment.
    It took us almost 2 yrs before Dad was diagnsoed with MCI ( his brain was in worse shape than Mums) that we had a reason why he could not understand/accept Mums condition.
    Mum isn't far off going into care, she has declined considerably since before Christmas.
    Dad can get into a rage over things Mum says and does,and he's already on blood pressure tablets. I have told him before, that if he doesn't accept more help or go to any outside groups for respite he will have a heart attack. He prefers staying at home, and Mum goes to groups 3x a week. He days he doesn't want anyone knowing his business.

    The thing is he will not admit to any one, us kids or health professionals how things really are. Everything is "fine".
    He has said to me only once that Mum was getting worse and would need to go in a home. Later on he denied saying it.
    If Dad was more capapable, Mum would be able to stay at home much longer, but I feel it isn't fair on Mum also dealing with Dad, because of her AD, if you know what I mean.

    You all have my sympathies.
  6. notsogooddtr

    notsogooddtr Registered User

    Jul 2, 2011
  7. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    I find it so sad to read yet another post about a family being torn apart by this disease. Most of the population must be affected by this in one way or another. It really makes me sick that it is not recognised as an illness and treated under the NHS like everything else and indeed that there is no treatment for some people like my mother who is just expected to suffer for the rest of her life. Sorry to hijack your post but I am feeling very angry and frustrated at the moment. Good luck with your journey into the unknown.
  8. Cross Stitchery

    Cross Stitchery Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    North West London
  9. Cross Stitchery

    Cross Stitchery Registered User

    Feb 15, 2016
    North West London

    Hi Pickles 53, nice to find another stitcher here, we have a power of attorney for Dad, me, my sister and younger brother are the ones who are responsible for looking after Dad.

    We will follow your advice and get another assessment done. I don't want him to go into a home yet, he's still OK for several days at a time, but I can see that it will happen sooner rather than later.

    I will look into the things you've mentioned and let you know how I get on.

    Thanks to everyone for the fantastic support. I wish I'd joined the community sooner.

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