1. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    My wife is four years into alzheimers and has changed from a houseproud and considerate woman to person who wants everyones attention at all times.She never sees any dust or crumbs or anything else that may need cleaning.She sits groaning in her chair and when asked what the problem is she will say she has pains all over.She feeds our cat and leaves cat food all over the door handles and the floor.If anyone is on the phone she will try to interupt them all the time.If I want to watch the television she will either stand in front of it or talk meaningless until she gets my attention.She is man mad I darent leave her alone with a man as she wants to hug and kiss them evan the paper man who comes on a Sunday morning she tries to give him more than twice the paper money. Up to now I have tried to let her take care of the household money as I feel she needs some responcibility But yes I do keep my eye on her.I have to be sat in my chair doing nothing or she complains even if I go to work in the garden she says I have left her Her only outing is to the supermarket and to get her hair done once a week.Shhe would stop the latter if I would let her.My wife wont go anywhere we were going to fly down to Southampton last week and when we got to the airport she feined being ill so I had to take her back home.I have just tried booking a few days at a good hotel but she refuses point blank to go.Her toilet cleanliness has gone to pot she wont change her underclothes unless she is forced.Bathing has got bad she made the excuse she couldnt get in and out of the bath and she just refuses to get into the shower.I helped he to get out of the bath but she is an heavy woman now weighing over 11stone when she used to be only eight.I bought a lift that fits into the bath and works off batteries but I have to operate it as she says she cant.She is now saying I cant stand or walk as I am too dizzy but if the cat wants anything she can cope more than very well which always makes me think she is taking the p... out of me I am just about at my wits end as she wont accept any respite no matter what she wont evan let anyone look after her whilst I have a break.The other week an old school friend came to see her and because I was talking to her friend about old school days my wife got her breast out her friend said she was most embarresed and left saying she would call again but of course she hadnt.The reason why I have written this is because she is having one of her off days the decent days have now become few and between.I love my wife of 53years and often cry at night when I am in bed not that being in bed is respite as she wakes me up at least every hour to tell me the time or ask if the cats in.I would love to hear from other carers about their problems that way I may be able to accept mine better
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,873
    Kent
    Dear Gerrie,
    What a dreadful ordeal you are going through. it is too much for anyone to cope with without some help.

    Please go to your doctor and explain the situation. Write things down so you don`t forget.

    It is possible you can get help from Social services. You will need to be strong if your wife objects, but even if she can`t help her behaviour, it is putting you under enormous stress.

    If you can, it would help to have more information about the services, if any, that you are in contact with. Does your wife have regular monitoring by her GP or Community Psychiatric Nurse, the Social Services or any home careres.

    Do you have any family support.

    It`s not good enough that she won`t hear of respite to give you a break. She is making life unbearable for you and if you need a break, you should have it.

    Some people on TP, go away for a break and bring carers into the home for respite. This causes less disruption. Have you considered that for your wife.

    Please see the doctor and explain your position. If you have already see the doctor, then go again. You can`t be expected to live like this.

    Let us know what happens. Keep in contact with TP. I`m sure you`ll get lots of support from different people.

    Take care of yourself.
     
  3. Kayla

    Kayla Registered User

    May 14, 2006
    621
    Kent
    My Mum used to complain of feeling nauseous or light-headed, so I wonder if those symptoms could be real to your wife. Mum was also very demanding of my attention and always seemed to feel poorly if my children came for the weekend, from University or work. I stopped telling Mum in advance when they were coming because I knew she'd be ill.
    Mum has vascular dementia, but some of your wife's other problems may be connected to different forms of dementia. It would be a good idea to try and arrange for your wife to see a doctor so she can be referred to a specialist. It sounds as if you also need some support and you could ask for a carers assessment, so perhaps respite or daycare could be provided.
    If you become ill yourself, then you will not be able to look after your wife at all. Other conditions could cause the symptoms you describe so a visit to the GP is very important.
    Good luck!
    Kayla
     
  4. Nebiroth

    Nebiroth Registered User

    Aug 20, 2006
    3,511
    My Dad does the same thing. Most of it is the illness I think, but I know that some of it is manipulative behavior to get Mum to do what he wants, or things that he can do but can't be bothered to, or to gain attention.

    However, even this is probably part of the illness, in that he has lost the inhibitions that in the past would have stopped him behaving like a spoilt child.

    Does that make sense?

    Just because someone has dementia, this does not mean they cannot be cunning and manipulative, but they may not realise they are doing it, or they may but no longer worry about it.

    It's so very difficult to tell but I think the root cause is usually the illness and changes in personality it brings.
     
  5. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    thanks

    Thank you all for your replies I can relate to you all.
    A young girl comes every three weeks from the Mental Health Sevice she isnt a nurse but is part of a team and she reports back to the doctor who diagnosed my wife four years ago we have only seen him twice in four years.We have been to our local doctor who prescribed stronger pain killers.

    Our son and daughter in law both work and have little spare time as they still have two children at home My wifes sister will come for a few hours a week if we pay her which I think is disgusting.

    I am in a very difficult position as my wife doesnt want other people in the house When we do have visitors and family my wife always mouths to me I wish they would go and says things to make them uncomfortable
     
  6. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    Reply

    Thanks Nebiroth Its just the same with my wife It has helped me to know that there are others with the same problem.My wife goes out of her way to annoy me at times she takes out her teeth and blows raspberries and makes a terrible noise and she knows I cat stand it. We went for our usual pub meal last week we usually go Monday lunch.She took out her false teeth and put them in her Bitter Lemon twirled them around and looked at everybody then put them back in her mouth and drank the Bitter Lemon
     
  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #7 Margarita, Mar 18, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2007
    Yes many of the things that you have said, has happen to me with my mother when I took over looking after her , wondering how then when my father use to say thing about my strange behaviour . I thought he was just picking on her , then when he pass away it all came out my mother father was married for over 50 years also and his own health was not very good . So good advice yes above is to make sure somehow you can get breaks away , if that person that your wife embarrassed is a good friend she understand that it’s the disease not your wife making her confused in trying to commutate , she is just losing her social skills , your find out who your real friends are if they care to understand what is happening to your wife .

    My mother insulted my friend’s son, when my friend took us all for a car drive around Gibraltar. My mother spat on the floor when we were out side having a meal in a restaurant, because someone who was looking at me, the embarrassing moment are endless , then I got to learn how to avoid them and then thought as time went on , if people don’t understand that’s they problem ,my mother has an illness . they is not enough awareness and to mush ignores surrounding dementia.

    So I put my pride aside knowing I can’t isolate myself , got support from social services AZ society family and good friends that stayed around.

    Great book to read is the simplicity of dementia. A guide for family and carers Huub Buijssen .

    PS must say Last stage medication for AZ did give my mother back some of her social skills , 5 years on its still helping her in that area .
     
  8. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    619
    Male
    Ronda Spain
    Gerrie hi,

    Feel for you... and the awful thing is it is going to get worse.. One of the best bits of advice I received from the GP was

    'get her used to having people in the house'.

    You cannot carry on alone... Frankly friends and relations will fall by the wayside in my experience - and in many ways it is hard to blame them.

    Get carers in.. You will have to pay them but then you can't take it with you - can you? I get out of the house, 2 afternoons a week and two mornings a week I can clear out for a couple of hours... If I did not have that liberty I would crack for sure. I have developed interests outside of Alzheimer's and although it is sometimes a difficult balancing act and my hair is going grey, it beats hell out of being 'alone' with it...

    I failed but lots of folks on this forum got their AD patient to go to day centres --- that is certainly a good way to ease the blow when they eventually go into a home permanently - I think

    I have for the last year, with my wife, thrown money at the problem... That and very frequent visits to the doctor to whom I hand a note, I have previously typed telling him of the problems and what the various drugs are not doing.. So she does not object to my statements... Sometimes the GP telephones or I call him after the visit to discuss things a bit more..

    I was lazy in not getting her to the docs recently and have had a pretty horrendous time, which has reduced to more or less manageable proportions, now that the 'calm down drugs' have been more than doubled...

    About 6 months ago I moved out of the bedroom to a little single bed in a room next door and that has helped no end... She does not like it - did not like it, but now despite sun-downing and night fears she accepts it and I frequently get a nights sleep...


    To be fair with our poor sick wives - they don't give a 'monkeys' any more about hygiene, appearance, modesty or the clothes they wear... and can you really blame them? Frankly if some woman walks out of the house cos you mentally sick wife showed her tits, then that woman is bigger a**ehole than your wife.. Not worth bothering with... In fact most people who criticize folks with AD or the way we look after them, are not too clever...

    Michael
     
  9. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    That is so right.


    it’s your wife that is feeling uncomfortable having people around, so feels insecure having people around , because her social skills are going , they so much, so far you can go in trying to understand what is happening to your wife , that you do lose yourself in it all and does affect the health of the career at that point I know I need a rest away from it , but I can understand how much harder if must be for husband wife , being apart after so many years together and not wanting to get respite
     
  10. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,873
    Kent
    Dear Gerrie,

    My husband doesn`t like people in the home too. About the only person he will make an effort with is our son, as long as he comes by himself. This is because our son knows his father well and is able to ensure he is included in the conversation.

    If he brings our grandchildren, my husband switches off, and makes faces and gestures to me, thinking no-one else notices them, but of course they do.

    If my husband was as demanding as your wife, I wouldn`t allow him to make the decisions whether or not anyone came to the house to help me. I would tell him he is wearing me out and I need help, whether he likes it or not.

    After all, Gerrie, if you become ill through stress, where will that leave the two of you.

    Take care
     
  11. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    Thanks to you all

    You have all been very supportive and it has helped me no end.I have told my wife so many times she is wearing me out and believe me she is.She in turn doesnt understand what I am getting at and sometimes says its you that has got me like I am and that really hurts.There are only a few of us that really know the devestating effect this devils disease alzheimers has on a person I accept I need help but how and where is another problem I would never go against my wife wishes I care for her too much or I regretfully did and thats alone is terrible
     
  12. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,873
    Kent
    Dear Gerrie,

    The dilemma you find yourself in is that indeed you do still love your wife, you are brokenhearted that she has been afflicted with such a dreadful condition, and the last thing in the world you want to do is make things worse for her.

    But then on the other hand you know you need help.

    There must be some way to compromise. If you discuss it with your GP, you might be given a suggestion that you find acceptable, and your wife can cope with. If you don`t ask, you`ll never know.

    Please try to get some help before you fall apart.

    Take care
     
  13. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    10,824
    london
    #13 Margarita, Mar 18, 2007
    Last edited: Mar 18, 2007

    I would say that you’re not terrible for saying that, I am saying that because if my father had been open with his feeling and not said so mush about my mother in a critical way I would have understood where he was coming from.

    He use to tell me my mother was mad , well at that time none of us new about AZ so she did seem to come across like that , they say real love is unconditional, but they must be referring to a mother father love for a child .


    I do not see anything wrong in you feeling like that towards your wife and if you go to your doctor to refer you to counseling, I am sure they say the same , It must be normal if you feel like your life is falling apart in your marriage , every one has a choice even if they are man wife to want to care / look after them or not , they have the same right, choice as anyone ales who care for someone who is not married to them .



    Emotion go up down when looking after someone I am sure that the love you felt for your wife before will never leave you , So help you in looking after your wife until you want to .


    don’t be scared of falling apart , I did and I got myself up after , its normal part of grieving for how thing where how they are now .
     
  14. gerrie ley

    gerrie ley Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    83
    bradford yorkshire
    thanks to everyone

    Thank you all again for your valuable advice I know your replies to my thread are correct.I must programe myself no matter what because If I go down then whats left for my wife.People do think my wife is mad but they musnt let me here them say it.Thank you all once again
     

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