Please just need to vent so angry and upset....

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by cerridwen, Jun 9, 2015.

  1. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Sorry to be on a downer folks,

    But social services tend to ignore medical recommendations. My Dad is just ready to be discharged from hospital after being admitted for severe dehydration due to carers employed by SS not looking after him properly. His kidney function became critically low and his heart stopped beating. He hadn't drunk anything for days and the carers didn't even notice until he was really poorly. His doctor and occupational therapist in the hospital both said he is not fit to go home and needs a care home and social services have refused. They have made plans to discharge him tomorrow and his social worker has contacted the hospital and told them I will pick him up, even though I told her I was away on business until Friday! I am writing this from Holland! Not once did they consult me. They are also sending him home with the same care plan as before so the same thing will happen again. They don't care at all and are trying to dump him on me. I have also told them that I can no longer be Dad's emergency contact because he is ill so often I have to keep coming out of work and I also travel a lot for work so am not always available. They have completely ignored my mail.

    I am so stressed I have been sick with a terrible headache. I am so angry! They are quite happy to drive me into the ground and there is not a thing I can do about it.

    Cerridwen
     
  2. BeckyJan

    BeckyJan Registered User

    Nov 28, 2005
    18,972
    Derbyshire
    This is awful. They have no right to ignore the recommendations!! My thoughts are you should write your concerns, similar to those here, and send them to Head of Services, Social Services in your area, with as many copies to whoever you feel needs to be in the loop

    In a letter (which I would send recorded delivery so as to have proof) please say that they have left a very vulnerable person at risk and that you hold them responsible should there be any further problems. This wording tends to put them on alert for future proceedings, so please do it but send a letter rather than email so that you have proof.

    It really frustrates me that loving and caring people are put through these ordeals.
    Social Services were a nightmare for me too and yet I know others have super ones who are wonderful - it depends so much on where you live.
     
  3. 2jays

    2jays Registered User

    Jun 4, 2010
    11,477
    West Midlands
    I would contact PALS at the hospital you father is in and let them know what is being schemed.... Sorry planned for him by this social worker.... No idea if it would help, but the more people "in authority" know about this situation the better are my thoughts


    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
     
  4. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    31
    #4 Sad Misty, Jun 9, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2015
    Although im not familiar with the specific Social laws in you're country what i can say as a advice is this .

    Try to check up and learn about what the law says in this case and what the social departments are required to do by law . Then rather then as suggested just writing angry letters (which of course also could be added ) my suggestion is book an appointment with sed social worker and well in there make it clear what the law says and that you from now on sadly cant be there fore him based on your job etc.... and if sed social worker still refuse ask to be directed to there boss (trust me on this im a old warrior in the social spectrum my self ) they might back down as well at this point , or if directed you present the same claim as you done with the other again (and ad the doctors notes etc.... ) )
     
  5. Summerheather

    Summerheather Registered User

    Feb 22, 2015
    160
    What these Social Workers forget is that you chose to care, you don't have too, it's not the law - they have no right to make you do anything. They do it by making you feel guilty - so people feel they have too. Don't do it, don't feel guilty - if your Dad didn't have Alzheimer's, like most parents he wouldn't want his child going through hell for a shell of a body
     
  6. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    1,056
    GLASGOW
    What about affirmative action? Can your Dad get into his house without your help? After her second night on the floor hallucinating and a trip to hospital that is what I did. I told the emergency social worker in A&E I was going to her home to take the keys out of the key safe. I was refusing to allow her back home as she was not safe. I told them to take me to court and see who wins.

    Mum knows none of this. It worked. The hospital social worker was over-ruled by her own social worker and they agreed to pay for her personal care in a care home. Since in Scotland you then pay the "hotel" element I was able to choose a place for Mum.

    Stand your ground. Your Dad needs you to. You are doing it for him. Best of luck.
     
  7. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Can't do it any more

    I emailed social services this morning to say that, going forward, I can no longer be emergency contact or main carer for Dad. My work involves a lot of travel, I work three days a week in our office that is 80 miles away from where I live. I also travel overseas for work. My employer have been very supportive over the last year but are now saying I should return to the core of my job and this means some travel. I love my job and don't want to give it up. I wouldn't get another like this one and I need the money too. But social services have ignored my pleas for help and support for caring for Dad for over a year so I have taken things into my own hands and put down some boundaries. I told them today that I will continue to do his banking/pay bills, hire a home help to do his washing, cleaning and shopping but that I cannot be emergency contact or main contact for all his care agencies and his medical issues any more. I told his social worker that I would notify all care agencies involved with Dad to contact Adult Social Care should they have concerns about Dad or should the GP want to book his routine check ups. Adult Social Care can then tell his main home care agency to take him to appointments etc. I can't do anything else. I have no family or friends in the area where I live so there is no one else to look after Dad.
    Social services have, of course, completely ignored this email when putting together his new post-hospital care plan even though they've read it but I am going to stick to my guns. I still feel wracked with guilt and worried about Dad's care. I feel I am neglecting him but I can't afford to lose my job and I am burned out and exhausted. Social services are killing me. Am I really a bad daughter? I feel like one. I still need to query his care plan too. I am tired of fighting.
     
  8. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,958
    Dunno whether these thoughts would help.

    When I encounter the kind of unhelpful, reckless behaviour of the sort you've been facing, I go up the chain of command. If you've been talking to SS at Social Work Assistant or qualified Social Worker level, contact them once more and tell them you need to deal with the Head of Social Services - who are they? Point out you'll also be copying in your MP on the correspondence.

    What you clearly need also is an advocate to do some of the running round for you. I'd suggest contacting the Alzheimer Society helpline to find out who - in your area - could do this work for you.

    Good luck. I am so sorry you and your Dad are being put through this hell.
     
  9. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    You are NOT a bad daughter. You are NOT a bad person.

    You are stressed, and tired, and you've been pushed past your limits and then some.

    You care about your dad and want him to be cared for and it's no shame or blame that you cannot do everything yourself all the time.

    You are a human being and you deserve a life, and your job, and to not have a breakdown.
     
  10. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    31
    #10 Sad Misty, Jun 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2015
    I emailed social services this morning to say that, going forward, I can no longer be emergency contact or main carer for Dad. My work involves a lot of travel, I work three days a week in our office that is 80 miles away from where I live. I also travel overseas for work. My employer have been very supportive over the last year but are now saying I should return to the core of my job and this means some travel. I love my job and don't want to give it up. I wouldn't get another like this one and I need the money too.

    " good fore you dear , why should you have to sacrifice you're job ,own health , other family etc... ? what good would that do to you're dad ? "

    But social services have ignored my pleas for help and support for caring for Dad for over a year so I have taken things into my own hands and put down some boundaries.

    " thats to be expected dear (fore now) , well done "

    I told them today that I will continue to do his banking/pay bills, hire a home help to do his washing, cleaning and shopping but that I cannot be emergency contact or main contact for all his care agencies and his medical issues any more.

    " If this is what you feel then that should do just fine with the help you can offer "

    I told his social worker that I would notify all care agencies involved with Dad to contact Adult Social Care should they have concerns about Dad or should the GP want to book his routine check ups. Adult Social Care can then tell his main home care agency to take him to appointments etc. I can't do anything else. I have no family or friends in the area where I live so there is no one else to look after Dad.

    "you have no choice dear and i understand this must feel very hard fore you but we al have a breaking point "

    Social services have, of course, completely ignored this email when putting together his new post-hospital care plan even though they've read it but I am going to stick to my guns.

    "Thats what you need to do as they will try to use you're guilt against you to see if they can yet again sdtay out of this "

    I still feel wracked with guilt and worried about Dad's care. I feel I am neglecting him but I can't afford to lose my job and I am burned out and exhausted.

    "I feel the same with me having to step down as well dear thats natural however as i sed before as long as you continue to be there the social and al else will gladly let you do it ,if you're actually dont they (according to the laws of sed country ) should have no choice anymore "

    and Social services are killing me.

    "sadly they can sometimes have that effect yes"

    Am I really a bad daughter?

    " No you're not you have given it you're al dear "

    I feel like one.

    " you shouldent dear were only humans "

    I still need to query his care plan too. I am tired of fighting.

    "we understand dear

    Try to stand you're ground this time dear and they have no other choice then to do there job i know its tough but continue as you have done will not be a pretty picture ether fore you or you're dad im afraid :( "
     
  11. milly01

    milly01 Registered User

    Aug 27, 2014
    8
    Staffordshire
    So sorry to hear your story.
    I too have been in a similar situation with SS, they over turned two clinicians who had assessed mum as having no capacity whilst she was in respite due to her consumer unit setting on fire just before christmas 2014. They sent her home, she is 93 with a dual diagnosis. Unfortunately they relayed all my conversations with them to mum and she has refused to see me ever since. I like you agreed to continue with my duties as holding LPA but not support her daily care needs.

    They overturned my LPA with mums consent, I did not contest as if she will not speak to me how could I look after her finances. I have now found 15 months later that no one has taken over the responsibility and there have been no withdrawals from her accounts other than the DDs which I originally set up in all this time. I dont even know what she is living on i.e. food!!!

    Do not trust SS, try to ensure all your communications are by email as they are blatant liars. I agree to try and escalate but unfortunately you will find that the SS dealing with your case will be supported by their managers and further up. The advice I would give to you is to copy in your MP to all your communications.

    Do not feel any guilt as previously said, keep your chin up, you deserve a good career and life. Just remember the SS don't care about the safeguarding of your Dad only reducing their escalating nursing/care home fees when they have had their budgets slashed.

    The most important thing to remember is do not give up your job!!

    Take care x





     
  12. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Hello cerridwen, what an awful time you are having. I would second what Alsoconfused has said - go much further up the chain of command - to the top if possible and ask if this is what SS are supposed do - going against medical advice - are they doctors or medically trained in any way?? His doctor and OT have said No to a return home and SS are going against that completely and seem to basing Dad's return home on you being a part of his care when you have stated you are not. And copy your local MP and your local councillor in too. And yes do get somebody to help you - you seem to be coping with all this on your own and that's no good.

    It is so hard to keep fighting - we shouldn't have to, but when that is how it is you do just have dig deep and keep going. Easier said than done I know. Good luck.
     
  13. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Update

    Thanks all, it's a very similar picture for everyone struggling with a dementia-effected friend or family member. The latest is I got a call yesterday from Dad's Alzheimer's Dementia Adviser and another one from Social Services saying the same thing; that Social Services are now putting Dad into respite care for four weeks at the care home he has just had some respite in, but this time funded by them. This is an opportunity to do a detailed evidence-based assessment of his capability and to see whether he can come home. The Dementia Adviser says she is optimistic that Dad is so poorly that the assessment will conclude he must stay in the care home, but I am not that hopeful; I won't hold my breath! They are just covering their backsides because I said he was at risk and that I would hold them liable if anything happened to him at home on his current care package. They will have him out of the care home before you can say 'breach of duty of care',:rolleyes: but still, it's an opportunity for him to be safe for four weeks, so I can breathe a bit now.

    Cerridwen
     
  14. Suzanna1969

    Suzanna1969 Registered User

    Mar 28, 2015
    346
    Essex
    Well that's certainly a step in the right direction. Use this four weeks as an opportunity to gather as much info and evidence as you can. I'm not knowledgeable about SS matters (surely the shared acronym is no coincidence?!) but the excellent posters above have given you some excellent pointers so, after you've enjoyed an evening ALL FOR YOU involving some wine perchance, you can get cracking on their suggestions.
     
  15. Essie

    Essie Registered User

    Feb 11, 2015
    566
    Oh I'm so pleased for you cerridwen, and your Dad, as you say he is at least safe and with full time care for the next 4 weeks so you can take a breath and recover a little before tackling the longer term issues. Do get as much help as possible - your local AS/AgeUK/GP/Dementia adviser etc. The more people that support the option of your dad remaining in permanent care (in writing wherever possible) the better as the more ammunition you will have to counter any move by SS to send him back home.

    Best of luck.
     
  16. AlsoConfused

    AlsoConfused Registered User

    Sep 17, 2010
    1,958
    A little holiday from your worries first maybe? If you give yourself 5 days off completely from your caring and evidence gathering activities, you could well work faster and more effectively after the break.

    Am pleased about your "win". May it be the most recent of many "wins" to come ...
     
  17. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    31
    #17 Sad Misty, Jun 12, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2015
    I would say you have won the first battle dear ,now its a waiting game to see what there next move will be. Until then al you can do is try to recuperate and get some fresh air and recharge you're batteries so you're ready if they try something else

    its good that your on you're guard dear but lets try to not see things too gloomy until they really are dear hmmmm ;)

    Well done this far dear (clapping hands ) and im very happy fore you this far :)
     
  18. cerridwen

    cerridwen Registered User

    Dec 29, 2012
    99
    Gloucestershire
    Thanks everyone; it's nice to know that I am not being unreasonable in putting my foot down about this. I was so worried about him collapsing at home with no-one there and I can't take care of him because of my work commitments. Apart from feeling guilty about putting Dad in a care home and him being passed between one agency and another like a hot potato, I am okay. I can relax a little bit over four weeks.
    I was told by SS that it is their intention to stop using care homes altogether for sick elderly people and to keep them in their own homes or with their family. That's very noble, but what if they are too sick? What are we going to do with them then? Put them in a space ship and blast them off to Mars? It's not always possible for them to stay at home. What if a carer is seriously ill and can't care anymore? What if they deteriorate so much that their home carers can't cope? It's all driven by budgets not what's best for the person, I think.
    xx
     
  19. Sad Misty

    Sad Misty Registered User

    Jun 8, 2015
    31
    #19 Sad Misty, Jun 13, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2015
    We al come to that conclusion dear (me included and im now (soon ) of the ground work altogether,just still taking care of and see that her dog is well and well takend care of ,and of course emergency runs which im fine with btw (probably sometime next week the home helpers will step in ). you must try to rather then feel guilty look at it as he (while in sed care home ) is safe and its the best thing fore him (i will most probably sadly have to see my mum move maybe as soon as this fall if this new arrangement dont work :( im not at al happy about it but i also have to accept that its the best thing fore her at that stage :(

    The simple answer on why they feel this way is "money" dear (we have the same over here with seek elderly is put in there home) ,this is why as i sed before we as the relatives have to start say no and stand our grounds against this noncence . They try there best to dump over the load on us relatives based on the money but if us relatives refuse or put down our foots or are simply unable to due to rl iccues then what exactly do they have as a choice ? They cant just leave the caretakers home without caregivers now can they ? No they cant. So at the end it will come back to them again as they are by law (again speaking of the laws over here ) to take over if the relatives cant no longer or if they are too seek to function in there own home or present a danger to them self or others .

    Do take care of you're self now dear and as i sed try to reload you're batteries and when /if sed problem comes up with them trying to move him home again etc... then you will be ready to take battle 2 (which fore al we know might not even come up ) If they whont to keep you're dad at home it has to be with ample home help service on there money ether way and judging from you're statement of you're fathers current condition it will be lots of help required if he is suppose to be at home ( not so shore they want to put him home at those costs to be honest. Could only be a test of the waters from SS side against you )
     

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